everybody it's Chris from the rewired soul where we talk about the problem but
focus on the solution this is a video that I've been debating on making for a
very very long time and I don't know it's just it's a uncomfortable subject
for me I'm still dealing with stuff but yeah August 23rd so just a few days ago
as of recording this video was the nine year anniversary of one of my best
friend's slash ex-girlfriend Courtney and her passing away and I debated
making this video for a lot of different reasons but you know I'll be honest with
you one of the reasons I debated on making it because I never want to
exploit or feel like I'm exploiting her passing away but it's also one of my
motivations for even having this channel is to help other people who are dealing
with struggling or their suffering or depression or addiction or anything like
that and that's what helps me make these videos no matter what my brain tells me
because I asked myself on a regular basis you know what are my motives and
my motives today or to help any of you who have dealt with grief and loss or
inevitably in the future when you're going to deal with grief and loss so
yeah I'm gonna share about my best friend Courtney and tell you about what
our relationship was like what happened how I've healed from it since then cuz
I'm a million times better than obviously I was when it first happened
and hopefully that you can learn from this and maybe it can help some people
out there so Courtney and my relationship had happened we met when I
was about 19 20 years old it was when my drinking was starting to get really
heavy those of you who don't know me I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic and
Courtney and I we we clicked because we drank the same you know I think I
remember one of the first parties that we were out together everybody was done
for the night and going to sleep or going home and we're like what there's
still a bunch of alcohol left you know we drink the night away and you
know we hung out with each other and this eventually turned in dating because
we drank the same and most of our relationship was anytime we were
together we drank we got really drunk and you know back then I had a lot of
emotional issues as did she and this was a it was a toxic relationship it was one
of those relationships where we were on-again off-again on-again off-again
but one thing was whenever we weren't dating she was still one of my best
friends in the world one of the one of the reasons I love Courtney so much was
no matter what was going on with me she had no problem telling me the truth
telling me when I was acting like an idiot or a jerk or whatever and you know
we we knew our drinking was a problem we both knew our drinking was a problem and
there were so many times when we had just conversations just like we need to
stop this we need to quit doing what we're doing we need to get better and we
would say like should we go to rehab should we go to pee meetings we didn't
even know what any of this stuff was and we would like talk about it but we never
did anything about it and it was it was messed up and like you know a lot of my
hurt a lot of my pain came from the fact that you know any time that we were
together it was because we were drinking and I'm like does she like me for me or
does she only like drunk crisps or like what is that and then I had to ask
myself do I like her for her or do I only like you know her when she's drunk
you know like there was so much confusion going on and I'm very
fortunate I live in Las Vegas and I've driven drunk all over the city of Las
Vegas and blackouts and thank God I didn't kill myself thank
God I didn't kill anybody else and I remember one time Courtney got into a
really bad car accident because of her drinking life she came this close to
death it it messed her up she was bumped and bruised and cut open and everything
and I think we weren't dating at the time and over to her house to just check
in on her see how she was doing hang out with her and like I broke down in tears
because I I almost lost her and and she was just
like that wreck messed her up and I remember us talking and I was getting
upset she was showing me some of the cards from our other friends and her
other friends like they were sitting there like cards and saying like you
know get well soon so we can go out drinking again now gets so mad like this
almost killed her and you're talking about when you can go drink again but
like I had to look at it too because when she did heal up and stuff that's
what me and her did again you know and it was difficult because any you know
any time that we weren't talking I knew her friends were taking around I knew
there was a problem and I knew I had a problem too but what eventually happened
was I ended up meeting my son's mother when Courtney and I want dating and you
know my son's mothers she obviously got pregnant and things like that and
Courtney still was one of my best friends in the world and when my son was
born I think he was maybe four or five months pregnant my son was a pregnant
huh he was four or five months old and at this time you know my drinking was
really bad and I knew I had to get better because I had a son that's when I
got introduced to pain medications okay that's when my drug addiction started
and you know I thought I was better you know I'm not drinking anymore you know
Courtney was off she was still drinking and going to bars and partying and
things like that but I thought I was better because I was taking pills
instead which is it better my life is still a hot mess and my son was four or
five months old or six months Courtney's still being one of my best friends who
want to come over and meet my son and I remember yeah it was it was July it was
July she came over and she got to meet my son and she hang out with my she hung
out with myself my son's mom and one of my best friends we were you know hanging
out we were playing board games and I remember her and I went outside to go
smoke and something that meant a lot to me at the time when she said like how
proud she was of me the Courtney was telling me how proud she wasn't me
because I wasn't drinking anymore you know and it meant a lot to me but you
know I was doing pills you know like she thought I was doing well but I just
switched from one substance to another and you know that day ended and you know
that would end up being the last time I saw Courtney so on August 23rd 2009 I
remember getting a call from one of our mutual best friends Bronte she's the one
I went to go visit on my birthday this year in Long Beach so one of my best
friends to this day and brothy called me up and she said she
said Chris you gotta come down to the hospital like Courtney's grandparents
found Cortney and like she was having a seizure or something like that and they
had to rush her to the hospital and my brain just starts going a million miles
a minute like what happened what's going on what's going on with what's happening
in my I was telling you know my son's mom I'm like I gotta go Kourtney's in
the hospital something happened I don't know what's up and I'm like trying to
figure out what I'm gonna do with Dylan and you know I'm trying to figure out
how may I get down in the hospital and before I could even walk out the door to
get to the hospital I got another call from braås Lee telling me that they
ended up pulling the plug on Courtney and she had passed away and that was the
first time I ever lost somebody that close to me and I didn't know what to do
I didn't know how to feel still this day I don't know the specifics of it it was
a result of Courtney's alcoholism but I don't know if it was alcohol alcohol
poisoning or I don't know if Courtney was trying to quit and the withdrawals
is what hit her so those of you who don't know alcohol withdrawals can be
deadly all right they can cause seizures cardiac arrest all sorts of things and
yeah you know I took it really hard and you know we went to her service and
everything like that and I think this was still back into my space time before
Facebook like really became a thing and I remember looking and seeing her
friends especially after Courtney had just passed away and they were like
let's go out and have a drink for Courtney let's go have a drink let's go
to our favorite bar let's have the drinks at Courtney high now I'm sitting
there that anger came back like are you kidding me people this this thing just
killed her and now you want to go celebrate her life by drinking you want
to go do the thing that killed it and I hated her friends so much because I felt
like her friends had enabled her but I still I had so much guilt to because
I could save her like maybe if I would have stayed with her maybe you know if I
had been a better friend maybe if I would have got sober maybe I could have
helped her and all this guilt and the loss and I never knew how to deal with
my feelings or emotions and this is the first time someone close to me died so
not only was I taking pills but then I started drinking again and it got bad it
got so bad and the guilt and shame that I felt because of it I can't even put
into words because this is what killed her and I knew she didn't want me to be
doing this I knew she wanted better for me and like when somebody passes away I
think something that eats us up is like how do we honor them how do we honor
their memory right and because of my addiction and because of the fact that I
couldn't stop like I wasn't honoring her her memory
like I was doing the thing that killed her and I knew she wanted better for me
I was a father you know all these other things like I had the opportunity to get
my life on track and so that guilt and the sadness and the grief it was just
making things worse and it took a long time of dealing with this and I did so
many things I remember just crying in my car and writing like emails to her and
talking like to myself to her and just so many things I was taking it so so so
poorly as most people would if your best friend or you know an ex of yours like
had passed away and you know I won't dive too much into my story but it took
two two and a half years later for me to finally get clean and you know now now
this is what I made this channel for you know we talked about the problem to
focus on the solution and you know today
not even today but early in recovery my early recovery is hard for any of you
out there who are in recovery like you know you know this thing's hard and one
of my motivations was like you know I'm doing this for her I'm doing this for
her I'm staying clean for her I want to get high I want to get drunk today but
I'm gonna do it for her I'm gonna honor Cortney I'm gonna honor remember I'm
gonna stay clean you know what I mean like I would ask myself what would she
want me to do in this situation what would she want me to do and you know I
would laugh about it like not a religious person or anything like that
but I'm like if Cortney is up there she's probably laugh
her her ass off about what I'm dealing with or struggling with or whatever and
just stuff because that's just the kind of person she was she would make fun of
me and I loved it like you would she was a great crap talker like she was amazing
at that and like I imagine her laughing at my struggles but you know wanting me
to learn from my lessons and the dumb things I was doing and early recovery
and the terrible relationships I was getting into afterwards and stuff and
you know I I stayed clean you know for a lot of reasons I saved cream for my son
and for myself and for my family and for my friends and all sorts of things but
you know like one of the biggest things is today today one of the reasons I have
this channel and the reason why I want to talk about this or the reason why I
have my job at a rehab center and help people with mental health is because you
know I wasn't able to save Courtney you know and I eventually accepted that but
maybe I can help somebody else who was dealing with the same pain and suffering
that she was dealing with that couldn't stop her from drinking you know what I
mean that's why you know my my career is out of rehab you know helping others who
deal with depression and anxiety and PTSD and all those other things that's
why you know in my off time I do these YouTube videos and stuff because I knew
her pain but I didn't know how to help it and educating myself and you know
going back to school for this thing like my goal is to just help others and you
know even talking about grief I know some people are still dealing with the
grief or loss of their friend or family member and stuff like that and I have to
share this story to let you know that it doesn't get better like the thing is
this never goes away the pain never goes away it doesn't but it gets better it
gets better over time I can look back and understand that my pain that I felt
nine years ago was way more than the pain I feel now like I still miss her
all the time I have dreams about her there are things that remind me of her
Courtney and I you know we dated and we're best friends in the city that I
currently lived there's places I drive around town I remember there was a
casino here I can't remember the name of it where she worked and I used to go
visit her she worked the graveyard shift I would go there just to hang out with
her food and my friends will go in there and
you know and and they tore that casino down and I remember that that heard me
and it killed me because it felt like they were you know taking part of her
away from me you know and I had already lost her because I used to drive past it
and but you know there's still so many other places here in town but you know
it does get better and you know something else is that you know Courtney
was one of the the first people that I truly loved you know that relationship
and you know when she passed away and then my my son's mom and I was split up
I thought I'll never love somebody again I will never find somebody again like
Courtney and you know I didn't good for anybody who knew Courtney Courtney was
one of a kind but I learned that I can love again I have a beautiful girlfriend
right now who I love with all of my heart and she's amazing but I I think
it's important because you know when we lose somebody we think that we'll never
experience those emotions again so although my girlfriend now is nothing
like Courtney I have that same love for my girlfriend Tristan and I think that's
important you know especially this even looking at breakups and things like that
you know because we think we're never gonna find anybody again are never gonna
experience those emotions but you can any will when you go out there and do
these things but you know the biggest thing is like on a regular basis I'm
just trying to honor my friends memory and you know I'm glad that I'm sober and
clear-headed to help my other friends you know every year when the anniversary
comes up and things like that and you know my best friend bras nee who called
me when Courtney passed away like it I know it means so much to her that she
didn't lose two of her best friends because I got clean because I got sober
and you know that's that's another reason why I do this thing and broster
he does a great job telling me how proud she is of me and stuff like that there
was a time when bras me thought she was about to lose another best friend and
that's that's terrible you know not only did my mom think she was gonna lose a
son but my best friend we're gonna lose their friend Chris and
all that kind of stuff so I do a lot of what I do in memory and in honor of
Courtney and my suggestion for any of you who are dealing with grief and loss
you know ask yourself what can you do to honor your honor their memory ask
yourself on a regular basis what would they want you to do when I get into that
depression and things like that and I want to isolate and curl up in a little
ball or not spend time with my son or something like that just because my
emotions are hitting me I'm just like what would Courtney want me to do like I
live my life in honor of her I'd do it because she didn't have that opportunity
and I'm going to link a video that I did in the last three years I've lost over
70 people just that's the nature of the disease of addiction and working at a
rehab center and knowing a bunch of other people with addiction and you know
something I do is I live in honor of them I live my life to the fullest every
single day that's something that brings me joy and happiness because I know all
these people whose lives ended way too soon
my Courtney was only 24 years old like I live in honor of that I experienced life
and I'm present for life I'm present for my emotions like whether they're good or
bad like at least I get to feel them and every day I wake up with a smile on my
face because I'm least no matter how bad my day was before at least I get to try
again today and try to become better because there's so many people who will
never have that opportunity and I'm starting to ramble but I really wanted
to make this video and I hope it helps some of you people out there but yeah
like I don't know I don't know this is a purely unedited video and I just want to
be honest and open and hopefully provide y'all with some hope and hopefully let
you know a little bit more about me and why I dedicate so much time and effort
to helping other people with mental illness and their struggles and their
pain and their suffering because I've been there many many many many many
times and I'm here to help all right so thanks for watching I'll be back with
some more upbeat stuff and I'll see you next time
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