Today's topic: Just Breathe
Hi, I'm Doug Holt with Author of Your Own Story and this is your Daily Growth Hack
where each day we give you a tip, trick or insight to help you up level what we
call the Five to Thrive that is your mind, your body, your soul, your
relationships and your business. I had a great conversation with a coaching
client of mine this morning and what came up was something that comes up
often now it can come up in inter personal relationships most often and
that's the idea of getting triggered right when you get triggered or you get
stressed or you get anxious and oftentimes this happens with people that
were the most close to because they know our buttons and we let them in a little
bit more but when I talk about a trigger what I'm talking about is that that
pattern that happens where somebody says something to you they they act in a way
that you don't like or a way that triggers a response you've lost control
it's a knee-jerk reaction now we all do this right I know I do this on a on a
daily basis and it's been my practice probably for the last five years of so
of identifying my triggers recognizing them and being able to either stop them
or get out right away now this hasn't come naturally I mean it certainly
didn't come right away this was a practice and a practice that I put in
place about five years ago that took me several years in my relationship with my
wife and with my family and with those closest to me and to my employees
to really hone down now it's actually the knee-jerk reaction the other way
immediately when it's something that would trick trigger me I've taught
myself to recognize that and then get grounded and actually what happens is
nothing happens nothing happens to me except for me being more grounded and
relaxing and that allows the other person to do the same thing whereas
typically in a relationship someone would say something I'll use my wife is
an example she would like to say something to me and how many of you can
relate to this I would get triggered and said well no that's not what it is and
then she would get out well yeah it would escalate right she would get
bigger more aggressive I would get even bigger and nothing was physical or
physical confrontation but both of us felt tension in our shoulders and she
was coming at me with more masculine energy so to speak and I was you know as
a guy and especially as someone has been playing competitive sports his whole
life you know somebody comes to me a competitive
nature it's natural for me to kind of rise up to that challenge I actually
enjoy it but in these cases I didn't right in an escalating both of us have
lost complete control we'd have control anymore you know at
the end often times we were so heated we'd walk away one of us would walk out
you know whatever it would be she was wrong you know and he would be saying
the same thing about me of course and we wouldn't you know take a lot of pride
and our love brought us back each and every time but you know how many times
does this happen to you on a daily basis you know your day is going through
someone just says one little thing and maybe you take it out of context or
maybe you don't maybe they meant it and it just triggers you and ruins your
whole day or it gets you upset or reminds you the past and you just come
off in this knee-jerk reaction we all do it right so what's one way that you can
actually combat this and this is what I taught myself is simply to breathe you
know I recommend ten breaths in through the
nose out through the mouth if I'm doing this in front of somebody actually I'll
just breathe internally and I've gotten to another stage but this is the first
stage is just the breath and I'm happy to have a conversation with you if you
want to know the rest of the stages of this progression but this is what I was
telling my client you know he was in a situation where he was getting triggered
regularly in the escalation stacking of those triggers was happening and it was
blowing up the relationships around him one relationship in particular and then
we talked about the idea of breathing and and it clicked for him he just
totally knew that's what he needed to do but of course in the moment you're
triggered and how do you do this and I'm gonna tell you what I told him now I
don't go to the gym in one day and you don't either and just expect to be to
lose 10 pounds or to gain 10 pounds of muscle in one workout know it's practice
you do it over and over again till becomes natural like riding a black bike
or any other skill that you've learned if you've learned a foreign language it
takes repetition and practice and continual practice so one thing you can
do right here right now if you're not driving is grab your smartphone if you
have a smartphone you can use other timers as well and set a series of
alarms now I recommend a minimum of 5 alarms throughout the day and during
these 5 alarms I want you to have a distinct ring tone if that's possible on
your phone that one that reminds you to breathe right it could be a chime or
something relaxing what I like but something that's gonna
catch your attention and then I want you to name that alarm if you have the
ability to do that you do in most Android and iPhone devices name that
alarm just breathe what that's gonna get you in the habit of is breathing and
more conscious breath so next time that person and let's just say it's a
significant other or a staff member or an employee of yours triggers you just
remember to breathe take about ten breaths and what's gonna happen you're
gonna notice is if you're just breathing and they feel you kind of relaxing and
listening to them odds are it doesn't always happen but odds are they're gonna
calm down too and you're now creating the space in a level playing field where
they can get out what they want to and a lot of times they're like I'm sorry I
just you know I didn't mean to go off on you and they'll start apologizing it's
amazing now you will be tested by these people right they don't know if this is
the real you is this the real you that always used to get triggered and now all
of a sudden is it or is this a creation of something you're just trying out now
of course you are trying this out but over repetition this becomes you this
becomes the new you you know when it's run family or
anything else now some people often ask me what with Doug you know what if he or
she is wrong what if they're accusing me of something what if they what if they
told me I did something you know wrong and I just didn't do it
you know that's a common thing in relationships right they said I did X Y
and I didn't do any of that so what I would say to you is if I write now look
to you and said you're a purple you would be like what are you talking about
not purple and he would just leave it probably chuckle and laugh it off and
think I'm crazy well the reason you get triggered I'm gonna invite you to think
about this the reason you get triggered is you believe what they're saying is
true if you didn't believe what they were saying is true like being called
purple you know you're not purple right you just know it now I don't know what
ethnicity or what your skin color is but it's probably not purple and so you just
brush it off however if I said something specifically like looking at myself I
said oh you're just you're way too white you know and I am I'm I live by the
beach almost my whole life and I just don't and you know that could trigger me
in the past it used to make me feel sad Oh
you know I am too white or whatever it may be it's funny it's laughable for me
now but as a young kid my friends would go to the beach get tan they're surfers
and I would be this kid that always got burped right but these triggers can go
deeper into emotional concepts right so things like you're a jerk like you
whatever it is if you internalize them and you believe what that person is
saying about you then you can get triggered now again all you have to do
is someone's like hey they're going out you like you're a jerk you're always
late you're doing this you know you never do the dishes you never take out
the trap whatever it is for you you take a deep breath and just know something's
occurring for them there's nothing to do with you really does it something's
going on in their world right if you just take a breath allows them to calm
down and then most likely they're gonna go look I'm sorry
and you can ask them to have an intelligent conversation like is this
really bothering it's is this the real issue that we need to address and that
allows them to relax because you're standing into what I call your power
right you're in your power center you're confident in yourself and loving
yourself now this is only step one step one but it is a deep step and it's one
that you want to practice so set your alarms right and then I also invite you
to grab your journal and grab your five to thrive and write out what your
triggers are the next step is identifying the triggers right you need
to know what your triggers are in order to identify them and put this into a
practice like a doctor has a practice a doctor isn't just an expert they call it
a practice because you're always doing stuff you're always learning and this is
the same for you when it comes to triggers now I know this is a longer
daily growth hack but we do it deep dive in this and the author of your own story
University just like I do a deep dive with my personal coaching clients that I
work with one-on-one so I invite you to go over the author of your own story
website and make sure you get on that waiting list for the author of your own
story University so when we open it up we have additional slots you have the
opportunity to make a choice of going in rather than rushing and all these people
that email me and contact me can I get in can I get in
the answers probably no right so unless you get on that waiting list unless you
sign up we want to make sure those people that have already taken action
are getting priority priority seating so to speak and that you can have deeper
dives and deeper conversations like this that's it for me today
go out and inspire somebody by being the author of your own story and inspire
them by being in your power by just by breathing during confrontation and I
look forward to seeing me more.
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