Greetings everyone. I trust everyone's doing well tonight
it's been a while since I have done a
Facebook life
and so
I'm
Back in sync and gonna be sharing some things tonight with all of you
the
The reason I haven't done a Facebook live in a few weeks as I've been globe-trotting
I've had quite a bit of mileage. I've had to put on my
schedule all around the world and so
I'm slowing down to the speed of life at least for this week
Just got back from Lagos Nigeria. And so
At least for this week. I'm slowing down to the speed of life
And it's it's just great to be a pilot slow down to the speed of life
I've got some things I want to share with you tonight that I trust will be an encouragement. You see the title
that I put on this called you had me at hello, which we know is from
the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire, but we're gonna go into an integration of
psychology and
Theology as it relates to our personal journey. So I'm glad you're all logging on. I'm glad you're all
Saying hi
There's so many of you saying hi that I would miss a number of you to say hi
but from all over the place from New York from my hometown Staten Island from
Australia and from
Cincinnati Ohio from Atlanta, Georgia, and so
We
were just grateful that you're all on and
We're grateful that
You've taken the time to tune in Houston, Texas. Welcome, Houston
glad you're
locking on and
We're um
We're really grateful for the opportunity to share with you. So what I'd like to do is talk to you about
emotional masks because all of us have them all of us wrestled with them and
learning how to take them off isn't always that easy and
one of the things that I I
learned
right around the
1996
Era of my life right around the same time when?
The movie Jerry Maguire came came out where that famous scene that is
Became a Kenny Chesney song. You had not yet. Hello
where Jerry Maguire the Tom Cruise the
character Tom Cruise plays comes back from the greatest
victory in his life and realized he has
very little to share because he has never really admitted how much he loves Dorothy Boyd who's played by
Renee Zellweger and you know the whole story he begins to explain and
describe all these things and eventually she just she just says shut up you had me at hello and
The interesting thing about that moment is that she heard something in his voice?
That went far beyond his words
She heard something in his voice that went far beyond his words and she had never heard it before
now all of us desire
Intimacy and you've heard either lance or I or others
Talk to you about how intimacy is into me
See that the key to intimacy is self disclosure self
transparency
The thing about self disclosure and self transparency is that we don't always feel safe
disclosing
to others where we really are and
Because of that we mask now appropriate self disclosure has to be learned and yet
intimacy is often forfeited because we never feel safe enough to take off our masks and
when ask Sarang we end up in some pretty intense moments internally that lead us to
operate out of negative emotions instead of out of a very
effortless flow of owning where we are
being transparent about what we feel
So that we can connect at a very deep level with others and really pursue
building the kind of rapport that makes for
relational
intimacy and so
What I want to just tell you a story about me, you know, most of you know that I I love academics
I love study and
I've had my share of schooling
I've had my share of tests never gets easier no matter how old you are sitting and taking tests, especially
Oral exams when it comes to master's degrees and doctoral degrees
And I'm in postgraduate work now
past all that doing another doctorate and I remember the orientation day just
Less than ten months ago
sitting with a number of
younger students with two very brilliant professors and
Feeling that thing called the impostor syndrome
The impostor syndrome is is is when you feel like an impostor because you doubt your accomplishments
You doubt that you have any capabilities or confidence and you have an in?
constant ongoing
internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud and
Anyone who has ventured out into anything new no matter how competent or capable they are can often wrestle with what psychologists call
the impostor syndrome and so I was wrestling with it for
Quite a bit of time in that initial meeting and then even afterwards in the first number of weeks of this new
Postgraduate program and it reminded me it took me back to that season in 1996 95 when I was going through a real
Crucible of affliction in my own life internally and having to learn how to take masks
and so what I want what I want to talk to you about is is
Getting to a place where other people have you at? Holo where you have them at? Hello?
Because I think that's important for us if we love the Lord if we love
Christ if we have this desire to reach others and connect at a deep level
With others we want to make sure that what they get is the authentic
genuine real
Transparent us and as a result of that
Sometimes we can try too hard
sometimes we can make too much of an effort and other times we're not able to get there because we
Don't know how to handle our negative emotions. Now, here's where I want to start as it relates to negative emotion all of us experience
anger and anger is no respecter of persons and
Anger will show up even with the people you love the most as a matter of fact
Anger can show up more with the people you're most in
relationship with and with those that you're not and
You can go from zero to 10 in a fit of anger in less than 10 seconds
The thing about anger is that more often than not anger is an emotional mask
We tend to attribute anger to something that's outside of ourselves. That's making us angry
when an actual fact that's a psychological deception because
anger is a mask that actually veils our own fears and
Vulnerabilities anytime you are angry
It is more revelation about you
Than it is about the person or the event you are reacting to let me say that again
So, you know miss that we we don't like to hear this but this is this is true anytime. We are angry our
first psychological
Tendency is to attribute it to the event or the person outside of us. That is
Creating this for us. Well, no one makes us angry
It's a lie. It's a deception
anger is a mask that behind which we are dealing with fears and
Vulnerabilities that we have refused to own and face and deal with and as a result when anger shows up
More often than not we operate at three levels in denial
We deny that
anything's wrong and then we justify and then we end up lying to ourselves in line to others and all of that is
Masked so again we talk about masking when?
When in in the movie Jerry Maguire at the end where the Jerry Maguire figure comes into this setting where these?
Seven or eight women are talking about why you shouldn't trust men. It's a great scene. I mean, it's gets guy
It's just everything shifts in the scene
If you saw a movie
You know exactly what I'm talking about and most of you probably did see the movie but up until that moment
Maguire has been living a life where everything he says is muffled
You see because a mask
muffles your true voice
emotional masks muffle your
True voice, but because you don't own the mask
Because you don't know how to deconstruct it or take it off
People never get you
They get these layers of all sorts of confusing messages and don't never forget that words
Create feelings
Words create feelings. And so one of the greatest things we need to realize is that
Giving people a sense of value and worth comes from the words that we say and
The question you want to ask yourself is what?
Am I doing with my anger when my anger shows up? And how often is my anger a
Justification and a denial and a lie for me to avoid facing the part of me
I keep running away from thinking if I hide from it or run from it. It won't have any power
When an actual fact we're giving it more power
And the truth is we don't always know what to do with our anger
now the scripture tells us to be angry and not to sin and we all know that's easier said than done and so
Anger is one of those emotions. We wish we didn't have and yet just be honest with yourself
we all have anger anger is a part of a
survival mechanism inside of us and
So you got to ask yourself. Well, how am I supposed to be angry and not sin?
Because all of us experience anger
all of us often try to disown our anger all of us project our anger onto other people and we all treat it again as
if it's coming from the outside of
ourselves because something out there is making us angry and
So if it's triggered it's triggered in ways that even those who are closest to us
experienced its fury so there can be
all sorts of destruction left in the wake of our anger things that we regret after we say what we say and
so
You can either build or you can tear down with your words and usually when you're tearing down with your words
anger is present and it's a mask and it's a response to
Something you perceive as a threat
Anger is a response to something you perceive as a threat and
Whenever you feel threatened
Anger is what is triggered? And so what do you do with what threatens you?
Well, we tend to vent we tend to dump on other people we hurl at them with our words
Because when we're threatened anger is a triggered response
Something is behind the anger that's causing that trigger, but we still don't realize this is a mask. It is not
Pure righteous anger
It's not we're not pure we're not perfect
And so what we don't want to what we don't want to do is hide the fact that we tend to consider
our fears and our vulnerabilities
I need you to hear that we tend to conceal our fears and our vulnerabilities and
So what we do with our fears and our vulnerabilities is we try to cancel them out by stuffing them
To protect ourselves from feeling them because if we feel them we feel weaker instead of stronger
Fear is an emotion that weakens you but guess what anger
Physiologically weakens you even more when it's lying on top of a fear
the strength when it says the joy of the Lord in your strength, they've proven scientifically that joy
causes energy
vibrations in the human body
That are higher than any other motivational power that you can think of in the human experience
So the vibrations of joy you're way up here
But the vibrations of anger and fear are way down here and there's negative energy and all sorts of negative things that happen to you
Physiologically emotionally psychologically all because of those emotions and so whenever anger is present
Hiding behind anchor anger is fear
weakness
Embarrassment and even shame so anger can be a mask and
More often than not it is a mask. So what is it a mask for? Well if it's a mask for fear
What you want to do is the next time you get angry. You want to take a step back before you vent before you dump?
Before you explode and say let me
begin to observe from the inside out what I'm feeling and let me own my anger and
before I
Dump it on the other person
Let me ask my myself in my heart this question
what am I afraid of and
Get quiet on the inside
Because scripture says the heart knows its own bitterness
Solomon says that in Proverbs the heart knows its own business and in the converse and a stranger can't share its joy, so
But you want to understand i've said this a thousand and one times
Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides
Don't judge your insights because a lot of times we know our own weaknesses our own fears our own vulnerabilities
These abilities are things that make us feel ashamed the thing that makes feel like imposters like we're incapable
but we're threatened when other people we feel like other people are gonna find that out and so anger becomes a way of
protecting ourselves we build these walls and anger becomes a way for us to build a wall and instead of
Feeling so we can be healed we hide and we hurl so that we can preemptively
Prevent being hurt again. So we keep recycling the past
Because we we know that works
But it doesn't really work and it doesn't work for us and instead of creating the unknown future
Because we don't feel safe. We keep repeating the known past and so
When anger is present more than often it is a mask
For fear, which means underneath the fear. There's probably a earth and
That hurt goes back to a season in your time in your heart when something happened that got layered into your awareness
Where you made a vow or a determination?
I'm never gonna let this happen to me again
And as a result of that you set up the cycle to keep reliving that moment every time anyone or anything
Seems to touch that soft vulnerable place where you feel like you're living with the question. Why is this?
Happening to me again
And there's an entire script that goes along with that
There are layers to every belief system
And by the way, it's not just a belief there's an entire system. That would take a whole
Hour, just to talk about belief systems
But what you want to do is take a step back and realize that your anger is a mask for fear
And you want to begin to ask yourself? What am I afraid of?
am I
Not owning the fear because behind the fear there's a hurt and what is the hurt?
My heart knows its own bitterness and the anger then becomes this
opportunity to relieve the tension
Because it's too painful
Or I think it's too painful to own the fear, and I'm not sure I'm not sure it's safe
To own the fear in the presence of someone who I claim is making me angry, even though they're not doing anything
So this is something I learned from Bill McGrane senior years ago, and I want you to hear this
The person with the skill has the power and the person with the power has the skill
The person with the skill has the power and the person with the power has the skill
So what I mean by that is that when you have skillfully learned
how to own your anger and own your fears and
vulnerabilities and instead of
reacting by dumping
You own your feelings and are able in that moment with skill
To own your words and own your feelings and say something like when you made that statement
It caused me to feel like
I'm not sure that you really value who I am and I'm not sure I want to make that judgment about you
what I really would like is you to help me sort out is my is what I'm feeling valid now at that point you're
Disarming any sort of sense because you're being really transparent really open and you're disarming any sense of you being threatened by them
Because you're taking full responsibility for where you are
So this doesn't mean that they might not have their own issues
but it does mean when you own your anger you're in a place of
Being responsible and you're not losing any power
You're actually being empowered by owning where you are, and so you don't have to vent
Because you've got the skill of owning where you are
You're not dumping and exploding you're owning you say, you know
When you said that you may not realize that but it made me feel as if I was insignificant and you probably didn't mean it
But I need to let you know that that triggered something in me
and it goes back a long way and I'm working my way through that and so I just need you to know that if you
That's where I'm at
And can you help me with that so that we can get past this and have a real connection here now?
that's just an example and and so
There's there's a sense in which
We want to be able to own what's underneath
The anger so anger can be a mask for fear
It can be a mask for her a mask for tension a mask for feeling like you're invisible
Nobody sees me for who I am
And so I preemptively react in anger because I don't think people gonna really see me because I've been invisible
I feel like nobody knows who I am and and all those vulnerabilities
Again don't judge your insides by other people's outside because they're just as vulnerable. They just may not want to admit it. And so
You don't have to prove your worth. You don't have to prove your legitimacy
You can own your anger and own your fear and begin to describe what you feel
without blaming the other person for what you feel and it will
absolutely create an entirely different a different atmosphere in the conversation and
More often than not and once you hear this more often than not
what it will do is build a bridge to the other person where they will feel like you let them in and let
Them see you now. Guess what happens when you let them in to see you
They now feel safe enough to let you in to see them
That's where
relational
Intimacy begins and rapport begins and at that point the emotional level of connection
Can grow until there's a plateau of bliss which is where real?
Relationships thrive and and flourish because you're now moving beyond trivial talk to real
Connecting where you feel like you've known each other for your entire journey
And so let me just close with this on
Your fears. Well, how do you own your fears?
Realize that anger more often than not is a mask and when you're feeling it don't vent take a step back
Ask your heart a question. What am I afraid of and wait before the Lord in that moment and
let those insights and
impressions about where the fear is coming from
Rise up from the depths of your heart and then let the light go on inside and and own the fear and say wow
It's not this present moment
I'm reacting to it's that event back there and I don't want to keep repeating my past
I want to keep repeating the known past
because it's limiting my
expectations for the unknown future can bring and I want to be creative enough and innovative enough to move into a future that
I've not known before
and so
Again don't judge your insides by other people's outsides develop the skill and the power to own your anger on your fear
Describe don't vent don't dump describe what you feel takes time to learn to do that and develop the skill
Because the more you develop the skill the more empowered you will be and that's how you walk by faith
That's how you begin to be angry and sin not because you love God you want to love everybody now
Listen, everybody's got issues
but you want to be the kind of person that everybody can connect with move with talk with flow with and
The more you become skillful and let your let your words be seasoned with grace
From the inside out the more there will be
Into me see and that's you know
What made Jesus so so attractive was that people felt safe?
He's called the Savior for a reason because he makes people
have a profound sense of safety in his presence and
Christ is in you and
he wants other people to feel safe around you and
The only way they can feel safe around you is when you feel safe knowing you are in his presence
And it's okay to be less than perfect
And therefore you can own your anger own your fear own your vulnerability and don't dump
Don't vent don't do any of that. Just describe and be present
To the other person and let them in on where you are and what you're wrestling with and watch
How the connections in your life get richer?
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