(Producer) Is it alright if I introduce you as Alexander Sparrow?
(Alexander) Yes, that's the plan (Producer) Okay cool
(Producer) You've had a bit of a run-in with a comedian by the name of Enigma
(Alexander) Yeah, I don't like to get into personal stuff on camera but, yeah he's an asshole, basically.
I've actually seen him make moves on my girlfriend before which
makes me uncomfortable, I'd say.
(Producer) Have you ever caught them together?
Um...
(Producer) Best piece of advice that you've taken from Enigma?
(Alexander) Best piece of advice...
I guess just walking the talk, you know. If you if want to meet somebody talk to them
You should just go off and do it and see where it goes.
He's just stolen that from other motivational speakers and he's a bit of a
piece of shit but I wasn't gonna - sorry I wasn't gonna say anything.
You can cut that.
(Announcer) Please welcome to the stage, Enigma!
Ooh yeah how are we doing oh yeah how are we doing are we good oh that was
lackluster I'm gonna ask you one more time and I know that some of you were
nervous right I want you to take that nervous energy and I want you to squeeze
it into a ball right I want you to take that ball I want you to put that ball
into a sack I want you to set that ball sack on fire and I want you to throw it
out of me all right I said how are we doing are we good
Okay my name is Enigma
I am a PUA pick-up artist that's right you may know me by
my official job title of PCA pro coitus activist
that's right I'm a PUA PCA from the US of A and I'm here today to help you get
laid who's excited about that? That's what I'm talking about! Okay good guys maybe not
you your like seven years old... but guys guys at large I'm here to help you get
the ladies you think you deserve you know that little six-year-old in your
class you can have her too buddy! You can have her - maybe not you you're
too old for six-year-olds stop looking. This guy's getting all exciting like yeah six
year old. No Ben no! There are limits buddy guys I'm here to help you get the
ladies you think you deserve and ladies I'm here to tell you that settling is okay.
Good now I want you to know right that
I'm not just a PUA right. I am also a motivational speaker.
I'm a realist okay I'm not an infomercial. I'm not Anthony Robbins writing books
telling you that you have unlimited power. You all have very limited power.
I'm here to help you reach the peak, the pinnacle, the climax of your existence so
if you listen to the tips I give you buddy under me you will reach your
climax. I want to make it very clear I was pointing at Ben and not the child
Okay good now I'm seeing some of the ladies in this room they say some of
the targets or ladies in this room they're looking at me and they're saying
enigma I've not heard anything yet that I can use in my life what value do you
have to add into my existence allow me to fill you in little lady
allow me to fill you in, right. That's your mama that I'm talking to... Woo! And
you're so tiny you could do nothing! This is the enthusiasm I'm gonna give you in your life.
Here's my number one tip okay here's the thing right you got to go out there and say
what you mean say I walk into a club and I see a beautiful woman and it's your mom
What's your name? Ruth? Ruth! Good okay Ruth right say I see a beautiful
woman like Ruth right she's not very obviously sitting next to her marginally
physically intimidating husband. I'm gonna go up and talk to her, right? Wrong!
My number one tip except for the one in my pants is never ever never
ever approach a woman... that's it never ever never ever approach a woman. You want
that woman to come to you okay so you notice I'm doing this thing it is called
pre-selection you notice that I'm wearing these
leather studded gloves I got this black nail polish I got this mascara I got
this studded belt right I got this pocket square steampunk goggles and a
shirt for reasons unknown to me covered entirely in grapes
and Ruth is looking at me and she's going he looks good
so Ruthie wanna come to meet right so I walk into the club I see a
beautiful woman her name is Ruth I'm peacock to the nines she comes up
and talks to me and let me tell you everybody it's going Oh real good sorry
buddy it's going real good she got real good with your mom right it's going real
good and here's what happens okay she gives me her number I'm hoping
it's real right she's talking to me I'm pretending to listen things are going
the way they should he's going the way they should and I say
to her okay now this is where my big tip for the ladies it's mainly for the
ladies but it's also for the guys okay. Always say what you mean. Always say what
you mean. Now I say to her I say simple yes or no question. I say Ruth you're
very very very beautiful woman, Ruth. It's important that you go down a little bit
for that gives you a bit more emphasis on that Ruth you're a very beautiful
woman would you like to see me again? Now
for some reason Ruth is like I want to stick with my husband and child and the
family that I've built over several years. There's absolutely no accounting
for taste. But there you go but she doesn't say no
to me she doesn't let this she doesn't let this guy down gently man you know
what she does she says sure maybe we could meet up sometime and go for a walk
somewhere. My heart skips a beat that's because let me tell you everyone there's a
walk right and then there's a walk. And a walk is a date and if you're dating
someone you're a couple. So me and Ruth are a couple now we have
a couple of kids and you're not there and it's going real great. It's going
real great man and we're living in a flat together and then we decide wait a
second we got to get our family we got to get our family properly started okay and
I get a promotion I'm working for your dad now Ruth I get a promotion I'm
making a bit more money I shoehorn us into a little two-bedroom place we
had a third bedroom okay we have children number five six and seven we
need to upgrade again we have another wing to our house I get so another
promotion I'm doing so well for myself we get a couple of dogs and a fish tank.
We have child number nine ten and eleven Ruth oh my god you're so tired
but you love me so much and it's going so well and we get a third dog and we
got this little we got this little house Ruth we got this little house
with a little strip of lawn out the front and I get out there
every Sunday and I mow that lawn for you Ruth and she's having an amazing time
there's this little apple tree over here and every Sunday she gets out there and
she picks those apples to make a beautiful apple pie she chops those
apples into pieces she makes it into a freshly baked apple pie and she puts
that on the windowsill to cool for our children and oh my god Ruth I love you so much.
I love you so much Ruth. And then I think wait a second
what has Ruth actually committed to here? Maybe some time we can meet up and go
for a walk somewhere and I'm thinking maybe why not definitely Ruth? Some time
when we are we gonna meet up for this walk, Ruth? And where where are we gonna go
my dreams start to fade and I don't know what's happening we're gonna get a
divorce you're gonna get the kids that's how society works! You're gonna get
you're gonna get the house and the kids I'm gonna be living outside in the
cardboard box in the street we had to have the dogs put down because we couldn't
decide who was going to get 'em. Ruth, you vicious woman you could have given me
that and you know the worst thing we get rid of the fish tank. There were never any fish
I never got to that part in the dream. And when I look up to confront
this cold callous woman and look her in the eye and ask her what she really
means Ruth is gone and I look at my hand at the number that she's given me
and it's just a business card for an old Chinese restaurant across the street and
I walk over to that Chinese restaurant to binge eat to make me feel better about
myself and that Chinese restaurant is shut down
Ruth shut down my restaurant like she shut down my heart.
So ladies, gentlemen. Whatever you do always say what you mean. My name's been
Enigma thank you very much
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