What could you do if you had more confidence? How to build self-confidence
today at Live On Purpose TV.
There are a few things that are more attractive than
self-confidence. How are we going to achieve that? There's a paradox, oh big
surprise! I've thrown a few paradoxes at you, this is another one.
A lot of people don't realize that low self-confidence is a problem with
destructive pride. I'll throw that out there for a minute and I'll explain what
I mean by that. You wouldn't necessarily think that low self-confidence, low
self-esteem is a problem with pride. It sounds like the opposite but here's
where I'm coming from, it's based in opinion, not fact, opinion,
not fact. There's a really entertaining movie out there called Inside Out and
it's about the workings of the mind, it's an animated show, probably you've seen it
and there's one part where they're riding along on the train of thoughts
and it gets a little bumpy and all of the stuff spills and there's thoughts
scattered round and there's ideas scattered around and there's facts and
opinions all over the place and one of the little characters was a little
worried about, how are we gonna get them all back in the same place, how do
we know where the facts go and where the opinions going and somebody else says,
"Oh, don't worry about it they all look alike anyway." Facts and opinions, we are so
confident about our own opinions, that's where the destructive pride kicks in.
For example, if you're my client and I get to know you over a period of weeks and
maybe months, I develop an opinion about you. Now do you have an opinion about you?
Yes, you do. Does my opinion match yours? Probably not, right?
There's some differences. Who's right?
Okay, now notice that you know that you're right, you do and you'll take my
opinion and you'll ride it off and you'll discount it and you'll say,
"Oh, Dr. Paul you're so nice and I'm paying you and thank you for being so nice to me."
Right? And you'll totally throw my opinion out the window even though I'm
the one with the PhD, even though I'm the one that's the psychologist, you'll hold
your opinion above mine and you'll know that you're right, okay?
And I'm not even saying I'm all that smart, I'm just saying you know that
you're right. What about your spouse? What about your parents? What about your
ecclesiastical leader? What about your rabbi? Do these people know you? Do they
have an opinion about you? Does their opinion match yours? Hmm, who's right?
You see what I'm talking about? So to hold an opinion of ourselves that is low is no
different fundamentally than holding an opinion of ourselves that is higher than
thou, that's the all, you know, I'm everything, I'm God's gift to the world
and you're nothing. There's no difference fundamentally between those two
positions. The truth of the matter, you and every other fellow human being on
this planet, you have value inherently, it's built-in and you can't change it.
One of the most fundamental beliefs that causes depression is the belief that
your worth can change, it can go up, it can go down. The truth is your worth is,
great and it's fixed. You know, that's my opinion you can see
what your own opinion is about that but I'm standing behind that is truth now if
that is true, and I think it is, here's another true thing about human beings.
We all have strengths and weaknesses, we've all got both. You are not a special
case, the fact that you have weaknesses, does not mean something's wrong with you,
means you're human, welcome to earth, that's how we roll here, just like every
other human being on the planet. Can you think of anyone who doesn't have
weaknesses? No, right, that's the human condition. Guess what? You've also got strengths.
It's true, every person on the planet, you're not a special case, oh by the way,
special case, I call this the special case syndrome in my book. Special case is
when you set yourself up as being different from all those other human
beings on the planet. You're not, okay? You're special just like all the rest of
us are, meaning you've got your own package of skills and abilities and
disabilities and weaknesses. You've got a special package but you're not a special
case because everybody has it. Are you with me on this? Now where are we going to
go with that? Destructive pride gets in our way and tells us that we're
different from everybody else, you're not, you got strengths, you got weaknesses.
How are we going to improve self-confidence? We focus on our strengths because that
allows us to then use those strengths to show up and bless the lives of our
fellow human beings and we can do it in a big way when we focus on what we can
do instead of what we can't do. When we focus on our abilities instead of our
disabilities, when we focus on what we have instead of what we have not and
this creates an ability for us then to show up and bless the lives of other
people. This is one of the paradoxes in psychology. The best way to get what you
want is to help other people get what they want and it's a bit of a paradox
but it works beautifully. When our focus gets off of ourselves and on to how we
can serve and provide value for other people, that's when we really start to
grow in our own strength and in our own confidence. There's a lot of
psychological reasons for that. Trust me that when we focus in that area, it
improves our own sense of who we are and the strategic side effect is that other
people are going to love us and they're going to appreciate
the impact that we have in their life but we're not doing it for that purpose.
We have simply shifted our focus to how we can provide value for them. So one of
the formulas here is to produce more than you consume. Produce more than you
consume because of our weaknesses, we have to consume. By weakness I don't mean,
you know, those things that are, "I'm embarrassed about that" I mean even
just the mere fact that we are mortal human beings means we have a weakness,
it's called mortality. You have to sleep, you have to eat, you have to take care of
the physical structure that you're housed in, that's a weakness
technically. Take care of that and the gifts and talents of other people will
help you to fill those needs. I go to the grocery store and I buy food that I
did not produce, I did not harvest, I get dressed every morning and clothing that
I did not fashion from fibers, that I did not harvest, you with me? I'm relying on
the gifts and skills and talents of other people just to get dressed in the
morning. Now what can I provide? That is the important question. What can I
provide? How can I create and produce value for other people out there and in
doing so, I'm using my strengths and my resources and my assets to make a
meaningful difference in the lives of other people, that is how we build
self-confidence and it's not about us, it's about the people that we serve,
that's the key, produce more than you consume and get out of your own way,
really, you're not a special case, you're part of a human family that shares the
same characteristics.
Who'd have thought that it's going to take
more humility to have more self-confidence? Now you know why
that's true. Hope to see you tomorrow for Live On Purpose TV.
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