- Hello, hello, my friends.
It is the end of 2017 but what if 2017 was not your year?
You know, you start out with bright eyes and lofty goals
but then somewhere along the way, you realize that
you are living but you are not really on the path
that you had laid out for yourself
when you made your New Year's resolutions,
but also you feel kind of guilty because
what if your life really isn't all that bad?
There's so much terror and sickness and strife in the world,
and you know that you're very privileged
not to be dealing directly with any of it.
So then is it still okay to be disappointed
with the way things have been going?
This is something that I think about a lot
because 2017 has not been the best year for me,
but it's also not been like horrific in any way.
I've technically had worse years
and there are a whole bunch of other people
who are having a lot worse years than I have.
Essentially, it's not the year that I had envisioned
back in January.
There's been a lot of realization that I am not
where I want to be in life at this point.
It's like I accidentally took a side path
that I thought was kind of just parallel
to where I wanted to be, but in reality,
it kind of took a big detour off into the woods somewhere,
and I'm like, "Wait, what. How do I get back
"on that other path? Am I, what's happening?"
Some things that happened this year for me.
One is that I was offered my dream job.
Like I applied for it, I got an interview,
and I was actually offered it,
but I ended up having to turn it down.
This was so stressful for me, and it's also something
that's very difficult to talk about because
you don't really tell people when you got your dream job
but you turned it down.
You only tell them, you know, that you got it
and you're doing it.
There's this weird place of saying, like,
"Yes, I applied for something that is my dream,
"and I was actually offered it
"when I didn't think that I would be
"but it didn't fit with my life at that very time,
"and so I had to turn it down."
So honestly, since this spring when all of this happened,
it's been something that I've been very much dealing with
on my own, and sometimes I'll bring it up to like friends
if I see them, and they're like,
"Oh, I didn't know any of that,"
and I'm like, "Yeah. I just, I don't talk about it."
It's a weird thing to bring up, like,
"Yeah, there was this thing, and then I said no,
"and so now none of it matters anymore," but it does.
It absolutely mattered to me, or it matters to me now
because it opened up this idea of things that I could do.
It's also really made me think about life
and what I want out of life,
things that I had previously thought about
but getting offered that job made me think about
and I wasn't really prepared at the time
of being offered it, but I've done a lot more thinking.
Now, I'm still not quite sure I know
where I want to be in life.
It just keeps getting more cloudy
instead of more clear, which is not how I thought
adulthood was going to be.
But it kind of put this big damper on the year
and made me feel even more like
I didn't know what I was doing in life.
Also 2017 has been a very lonely and insular year for me.
I had imagined that when I moved to Richmond
back in August of 2016
that I was going to find this new life,
this kind of adult life
that I really didn't have back home in Lynchburg.
I thought I would make lots of new friends,
and none of those things have happened.
Lots of different reasons,
and some of those are just kind of my own failings
as a person, and not being a very social person
and being afraid to go out and meet people,
but I had this kind of idea of what my life should look like
but didn't really know how to achieve that,
and so I just was sort of like sitting there
doing my normal things and being like,
"Why am I still lonely? Why don't I have new friends?"
but on the YouTube side of things, in 2017,
I've really just kind of watched YouTube implode,
from the platform level but also on my own channel
where just like demonetization and I mean, the algorithms,
changes, and just no one is seeing my videos anymore,
which is very disheartening
because I put a lot of work into them,
and I'm like, "Someone, please someone watch this."
Essentially, YouTube as a platform
has started to become a place that I don't feel
like I belong in or that I am a part of anymore,
and it doesn't feel like that anymore.
It feels like the place where cool people go
and make money, and those of us who are there
to kind of experiment and connect with people,
we're shoved to the bottom in terms of YouTube's priorities.
I think also in YouTube kind of implode
and seeing my views just like tank.
I feel very much like my creativity juices
have been just tapped.
I am having a hard time making videos, writing blogs,
doing things that I really love, doing art.
For a long time, I never had a problem coming up with
new ideas that I wanted to try.
That's one of the reasons this channel is called
iIMAGINEblank, because it was about my imagination
and all of the different things
that wanted to burst out of it.
Now I'm sitting in a place where iIMAGINEblank
is very literal.
There's a big whole blank and question mark.
And the last thing from 2017 that's
made the year pretty sucky is the deterioration
of a long-term relationship.
Parker and I broke up this year.
I have hopes to do a video in the future
where I talk about it but it's not been something that
I feel like I can talk about right now.
I don't feel safe or comfortable talking about it
but I also feel like I do need to make a video
explaining things, or just sort of some of my experience
because I know that it can help people in the future,
and that's what I want.
I want to be able to help people
but I'm not really in a place where
I feel comfortable talking about it now.
Mmm, yeah.
Not a lot of good things in this video or in this year.
Not like terribly awful things,
like my life has not been wrecked or destroyed.
I didn't get cancer or any kind of awful illness,
which for someone who is sick a lot, that's really great.
And I know that I try to be very positive on this channel
and this is not a very positive video at all,
but I also try to be very authentic.
Authenticity is very important to me
and I think important to iIMAGINEblank the channel,
and so that's kind of where this video is coming from
is me being authentic with some of the struggles
that I've been going through this year
versus like, "Everything will be okay. Ha."
It's kind of hard to inspire others
when you yourself are feeling uninspired,
and that's where I've been living this year.
I have lots of hopes for 2018, but I also, I am realistic
in knowing that just because you celebrate a new year
doesn't mean that things are going to magically get better
or magically change.
It takes work from you and just circumstances changing,
sometimes things that you're not even in control of.
The best I can do though is try to work on myself
and things that I can change,
which I'm definitely trying to do and I think where
my New Year's resolutions will kind of focus on.
So we will, we'll see.
We'll move forward.
Forward is the only direction that we can go.
The question for today,
and how I would like to end out 2017,
and please, please answer.
If you're watching this video, I value your opinion
and I want you to answer me down in the comments.
The question is, what would you like to see from me
creatively in 2018?
I've had some ideas about trying Twitch
and kind of doing my coloring videos there,
so we can have kind of a longer format
and we can have more of a discussion.
I've thought about maybe going live on Instagram
or Facebook or maybe even YouTube and doing like Q&As.
If you know that there are other platforms
that are maybe better
for the kind of the content I make
or like the community I'm trying to create
or even if you have specific video ideas,
please, please, please tell me.
I want to know because I'm feeling kind of
creatively tapped and feeling like I'm doing a lot of work
and no one really cares, and I, that's,
that's not a fun place to be in, guys.
Ah, yeah.
Sorry for the bummer video right before,
you know, everyone is celebrating the holidays,
and I'm like, "Hey guys. Life kind of sucks. Mmm."
But we're embracing authenticity and that is important.
It's important to me when YouTubers are authentic,
so I'm trying to be authentic for you guys.
Remember that you can check me out
on these other social media sites.
Instagram is of course my favorite.
There will always be lots of pictures of Finn
and some of my coloring projects,
so come hang out with me there.
I hope this video made you think a little bit.
It's not really gonna make you smile, sorry about that,
but thinking, thinking is also good.
iIMAGINEblank supports thinking.
I will see you in the new year and next Thursday.
Bye.
(upbeat electronic music)
For more infomation >> 5 Types of women you should avoid at all costs - Duration: 2:39. 
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