let me just start by saying look if I
look like absolute shit tonight it's
because i have been crying on and off
for the past three hours
I just vacillating between full-blown
fits of rage and into just tears of
sadness I just I feel so defeated and
angry and alone and I could sit here you
know and say I do you know like some of
these youtubers don't even know why I'm making
this video I do it's because you're my
everything i have absolutely nothing I
have this is my whole world and you guys
are the most important part of it at
least at this point in my life and maybe
that's terribly unhealthy maybe it
doesn't matter how much success I have
doesn't matter you know YouTube could
blow up tomorrow I could have 10 million
subscribers or they could crush me down
to zero which by the way let me just
start out also by telling you the amount
of support i got for the last video
where I was like fuck youtube boy
they're pissed off they must be at noon
today they crushed another 50 of you so
you should probably see if you're still
subscribed to it because they've knocked
out another you know group of people
from my account since that video went up
which was the fastest growing video I've
made all year so thank you for that you
mean so much to me and let me just also
brief little side note say if you're
not following me on facebook please do
that right now friend me follow me
whatever the hell you have to do to stay
in touch with me on facebook because I'm
thinking this year things are going to
get really nasty on youtube and if it
goes the direction i'm thinking it's
going i'm might be in a Facebook
exclusive kind a guy so anyway just that
was just a side note make sure that
you're you know we're connected on there
all that I know is I am just so sick and
tired of my life being a big old sticky
dick you know it's like I just feel like
you just want you want to run away and
you have nowhere to go
that's that's how I feel like on a daily
basis I just I have nowhere to go I sit
here in this fucking prison called home
thinking of the next thing to do
I'm just I don't know I I don't know
I don't know anymore I have no one to
bounce things off of i have nobody to I
feel like a team of one
you know even my fuckin parents are
pissing me off my mother who had the
best relationship for my entire life
suddenly she gets a job she doesn't know
what the fuck to say anymore to me you
know it's like I need a little bit of
support i show yesterday showed the
video from the other day she's I don't
understand youtube that's real fucking
helpful like you need to understand the
inner workings of YouTube to know what I
needed to hear right now emotionally
what kind of supportive supportive
feedback i need and my father is no
better he chimes in once every three
years with a real fucking gem
I don't know why does he always look like you just
woke up guys on TV wear suits Jesus
Christ are you under a rock
I mean come on you don't have to be
tech-savvy to know what I need to hear
is your fucking son right now you know
again it goes back to I have nobody
I have no significant other I have I I
don't know a fucking pet in my life I
fired my managers I got rid of my agent
he sucks and if you're watching you were
a piece of shit wasted years with you
standing by your side so I have
absolutely no creative team anymore so I
sit here talking to you because you are
the only thing I have in my life and
like I started to say maybe
that's not healthy maybe i need maybe i
need more you know maybe my youtube
could blow up tomorrow and I could have
millions of subscribers and i still
wouldn't be happy because there is this
gaping void in my life where it's I just
I'm always feeling stagnant I don't have
a full life I think emotionally I need
to be more open i want a boyfriend i
want a dog
I want love I want all of the things
that just a fucking human deserves ya know
that's all that I want every time
someone gets close to me I push him away
and I think you know why it's because
deep down I don't up i think i'm a real
shit friend and a shitty boyfriend and
maybe it's just because I've never been
with the right person but I don't think
I'm very good long-term and I think in
order to save myself and others really
its I feel like sometimes when I push
people away it's actually a selfless act
I'm like all right this will annoy you a
little bit now but if I let you get
close you're actually gonna get hurt
so what would you rather have little
annoyance or some major pain and no one
deserves that
so I always just stop for loneliness but
the fucking sad clown routine ends this
year I am done I am done because you
know what am i working for what am i
working for if I can't actually ever
share it with anybody? do you know how bad i
would just like to sit here and hold
somebody or have them cuddle me and I
just never have it you know this
upcoming year you want to do more I want
to go big
I want to go big because clearly just
being smart and funny is not enough of
this stupid fucking world you have to
stimulate the shit out of people and go
huge and extreme and have you know crazy
big idea someone said I'm here you know
one of the comments kind of pissed me
off like one out of thousands of
comments of course that's the one I latch
onto right mess and they were like well
you know it's because you know you sit
here talking about nothing
you know what if you need
to be if you need to explain to you
what's actually going on here you
clearly don't know what social criticism
is it's it's the ability to make fun of
the minutiae of life if you can make
funny out of nothing
that is a lot more valuable than some
over edited you know extreme bullshit
video you know you don't make a show out
of that might I remind you one of the
biggest sitcoms and history was about
Seinfeld it was about nothing asshole so
don't tell me you're getting nothing
here what you're getting is me making
fun of daily life that a lot of us
relate to and if you don't believe me
look at some of the comments they get it
and if you don't get it
get the fuck out of here or just sit
back and let you to do it for you
sooner or later they'll knock you out
are probably knocked probably i'm
probably losing people as we speak but
whatever
as far as I'm concerned next year I'm
going to just continue to be me
I'm sorry that this is just such a this
is not a funny video this is not this is
me just emotionally vomiting because i
have no other outlet and i will i will
for the mass majority i will
go BIG!
I got some things plans because as
far as I'm concerned if I don't strike
news media attention or get arrested
next year I didn't go big enough which reminds
me I should probably start a kickstarter
for bail
anyhoo sometimes I look you know I look
at the people who find so much success
on here and I don't get it I don't
fucking get it
I mean I'm sorry this is not jealousy
talking this is pure fucking bewilderment
i don't understand the draw to
some of these people who have all these
goddamn views and shit
what what is so special about these
people ...they're not clever they're
not funny you know it is a lot of
witches we worship meretricious beauty
in this world and that's like the common
denominator between a lot of them like
alright so you're cute so that's
your fucking talent that's great that's
gonna last a while but you know what
it's fine I want to be more social
online i wanna i want to collaborate
more with people i'm going to upload
more i'm not going to make any promises
but it's going to be daily I don't
understand how these people do daily
videos i am far too moody I know myself
i am way to "SFX" to be able to
handle a schedule like everyday I can't
do that I'd scare the shit out of people
most days I don't even want to be around
me I certainly one wouldn't want to get
a video from me
hey just want to remind you what a
asshole i might be I don't need that
in my life and you guys deserve so much
better than that you know i feel like if
i might come on here i should make you
feel good that's my only purpose
I feel like on this entire planet the
only reason I'm here is to make people
feel better and if I'm not doing that
well shut up you know by the way any
youtubers right now that watch me that
like me I don't care if your subscriber
count is higher or lower than mine
I'm not like those pretentious pricks
who you know who you are
I've contacted a number of you and I
know that you just judge me by my
numbers and you're like oh he's not big
enough well you know what
someday when I have a show and you're
still sitting on the edge of your bed
doing challenge videos I'm going to take
pleasure in telling you to go straight
to hell (cough) and i wonder why no one
wants to collab...oh he's a prick you
know what sorry this is you know what
this is me this is how I feel if you
were a friend sitting here with me right
now this is exactly what i would say
this is exactly how I would talk show
you know what you don't like it
goodbye if you do like it I love you
the only thing that makes me proud right
now in my entire life
the only thing that I'm really proud of
is hearing the feedback from how much
I've helped so many of you I mean it
makes me feel great i had one can tell
me that he didn't kill himself because
of my videos if that doesn't move you
nothing will
and I think that's really important work
and I just want to keep doing that on a
bigger scale
that's all I really want and I just want
some goddamn recognition for it and I
don't think that's too much to ask
thank you
as always for your tremendous support
listening to me i am so sorry if this
bummed you out or angered you or
whatever I just I guess from now on you
can think of me as your anti social
media guy I'm sorry I just
blah
kiss..... goodnight.
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