Hopefully, or if you're watching this video,
you already see the value in waiting to have sex until marriage or as I like to
say, find love before sex.
So in this video I'd like to talk about how to actually wait.
How can we set ourselves up for success? If we've made the decision to wait,
well, the first thing you must do if you plan
to be successful is set good boundaries upfront.
No boundaries equals no self esteem. The boundaries you keep are indicative
of how little or how much you respect yourself,
boundaries are your friend. The reason I say this is because good
intentions don't mean jack. It's only what we're actually able to do
that matters. The enemy doesn't give a shit about what
you tried to do. Let me share a story with you.
A few years ago, a female friend that I'd known for some
time and I reconnected.
She was going through something and I pulled her close to my group of friends
and immediately I started to see that she was making better decisions and was
being positively influenced by the group.
We had a level of comfort because we had known each other a long time and we had
come from similar backgrounds, so we began spending more time together
just as friends. There was some physical attraction there
on both sides, but I was praying about who to date next
and was really waiting for God to give me a green light on someone and up until
this point He hadn't said anything about this girl or anyone else;
although I was enjoying my time with her and we continued to grow closer.
We had never been physical in any way, not even held hands.
There were some minor flirting and I thought it was a dangerous situation,
so I talked to her about it, but we both pretended like that could
never happen because we were "such good friends".
I ignored the red flags and the next time that we spent together watching a
movie alone at my house, we wound up having sex.
It was a huge blow for me at the time. I had been abstinent for three years.
I was very outspoken on my stance on this subject.
I was on leadership at my church and I really just believed that I was stronger
than that. I had every intention of saving myself
for marriage, but once we started kissing,
I couldn't pull the emergency brake and stop it.
Things got out of control quickly and it almost ended our friendship and in
hindsight I see that I wanted the benefits of having a girlfriend without
the actual commitment and it was my fault because I hadn't set stronger
boundaries. In order to set your boundaries,
you have to know yourself and you have to be very honest with yourself about
what you can and can't do.
When it comes to dating. For some people,
their boundary might not be spending time alone together.
Others may not be able to even kiss or hold hands.
The main thing as the Bible says is to "know
thyself" and don't try to see how close you can
get to the fire without getting burned. Even my friends that don't believe that
Jesus was the son of God, will say that he was at least the the
most enlightened person that ever walked the earth.
And what did Jesus say about sin? He said,
"if your eye causes you to sin,
gouge it out." Think about that.
Can imagine gouging your own eye out? How painful that would be and how
extreme that sounds? So when I get friends,
asked me if it's okay to cuddle or, spend the night at each other's house
while they're dating. While there might not be anything
technically wrong with cuddling per se, I would ask is it worth it?
Because I understand that not cuddling someone you're dating sounds extreme,
but it's nowhere as extreme as gouging your own eye out.
I have many friends, girlfriends especially that miss that
aspect of a relationship and while cuddling may be innocent to them,
it's not always innocent to others, especially if that other person isn't
committed to waiting until marriage to have sex.
Spooning leads to forking! The old.
"I just wanted to be held"
may be true, but all that matters is what you're able
to do. Again,
intentions count for nothing. This is why I recommend before dating,
decide where your boundaries actually are.
Decide where your line is before ever putting yourself in a compromising
situation so you don't make a mistake. Trying to decide when you're already
horizontal is a bad idea. I won't lie,
keeping strong boundaries will cost you. Boundaries are like diets.
They're easy to set, but they're difficult to maintain.
They require discipline. I personally removed all obstacles from
a life that would prevent me from succeeding.
For example, the boundaries that I now keep
personally for the last three and a half years are I made a decision not to spend
time alone with women because I know it's dangerous for me given my past and
my weaknesses in that area. I might ride in a car or go to the
movies with a female, but I wouldn't have one at my house or
go to her house and watch a movie if it was just her and I.
another thing I did in order to pursue this path was I gave up drinking alcohol
several years ago and one of the primary reasons I did it was because when I
drank, I feel promiscuous and I used to
rationalize drinking because drinking in itself isn't wrong,
but it was causing me to make mistakes over and over again so it had to go.
I can't tell you how much more productive this one decision has made me
and it all stemmed from my desire to wait to have sex until marriage.
Again. I made all these decisions for selfish
reasons. I honestly believe that this is the best
strategy for finding true love and longterm happiness.
Plus, I didn't want to burn a friendship hurt
another person, damag the faith that other people have
placed on me and lose credibility, get stuck with the wrong person in
verbally or get an std, get someone pregnant.
Does that make sense? But hey,
those are my boundaries and I admit they are up pretty far,
but if I'm serious about having all the things I want most in life,
and if you are, then I suggest that you have to make
these certain sacrifices in order to put yourself in a position to succeed.
If you're just starting out, I will warn you,
it is lonely.
It is hard. You will be depressed at times.
It's an emotional rollercoaster. It's literally what I imagine going
through withdrawal to a substance must be like,
but on the other side of it, there's this beautiful freedom that
comes with it. The Bible says,
"no discipline feels pleasant at the time,
but painful. Later on,
however, it yields a harvest of righteousness and
peace for those who are trained by it." So be willing to go through it.
No one gets to their promised land without going through the wilderness.
The wilderness is uncomfortable. It's unfamiliar.
Sometimes it's flat out painful, but know,
there's something greater on the other side for you if you make the journey.
What's your vying for here isn't a small thing either.
This is the life you've always wanted and the person created for you just to
share it with. Focus on how good the prize is at the
end of the wait. Lastly,
I'd recommend seeking out a mentor who can give you good advice and
accountability in the area of your relationships.
Church is a good place to start and you'll find people there that share
these values and it won't cost you anything.
Having a good support system is crucial. Surround yourself with people headed in
the same direction or you'll never make it.
If you're looking for support and encouragement,
join the conversation in the Why Waiting Works Community on Facebook and until
next time, thank you.
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