(laugh track & applause in background) ANNOUNCER: We'll return to Ken Burns' Cola Wars after these messages!
Hello! Is you worried about big shadowy companies stealing all you personal data?
You should be!
Do you want to stop companies from stealing all you personal data?
Tough! You can't!
Yah, you boned.
You can't stop them, but you can make them regret it!
Yah.
It "Argle & Bargle Data Poisoning Service"!
We take you real data, mingle it with highest quality lies, half-truths, and utter fabrications to make useless pile of random noise not even SETI can find signal in!
Bad credit? Good credit? No credit? You get all these at once!
Plus, credited appearances on TV shows from before you were born!
Sure, you not able to buy house, but that not in cards anyway!
Yah, now you have hard drive full of weird porn. But just think of what chaos that do to Twitter and Facebook algorithms!
Not illegal stuff!
Not illegal stuff! Just... questionable stuff.
Uncomfortable stuff.
What WRONG with you stuff.
Stuff like...
(quiet, deep, hollow echoing noise)
Argle & Barge Data Poisoning Service!
'Cuz why not take everyone else down with you?
(static)
Well, I've seen WORSE ideas out of the tech sector.
This month.
And speaking of worse ideas...
(theme music)
JIM: Young America Films, produced by OLD PEOPLE.
STARCH: Okay, who wants to bet AGAINST this being a "magical dream visitor firehoses a kid with conformity messages" type deal?
JIM: Uh, I'm good, thanks.
JIM: I am Centron and I'm... pretty sure I've used this joke in a previous riff!
MOM: Cindy!
STARCH: Stop mad dunking on that sadboy! His fragile ego can't take it!
Tomorrow? I'm going to Mary's party tomorrow, aren't you?
A party? Why I didn't even-
No, I don't like parties. I never had any fun at parties.
JIM: (as Cindy) Not since that clown exploded.
DENNIS: ...more fun all your friends are there. MOM: Cindy!
DENNIS: Well, I better go. I'll see you. Here's your ball.
STARCH: (dully) I must return to the regeneration tanks.
JIM: (Cindy) Why didn't they invite me? Is it my breath? Because I melted down Mary's bike on a dare?
JIM: (Cindy) Maybe it was busting her dad for tax evasion. Guess I'll never know....
Mother, why do you suppose Mary didn't invite me to her party?
JIM: (Mom) Well, you did implicate her in the Black Dahlia case.
Maybe they thought I didn't want to go to the party. They probably thought I wouldn't know how to act.
RANGOONS: (shocked reaction) STARCH: Mom's a githyanki!
MOM: You'll get an invitation to the party.
STARCH: (Skeletor) As soon as I destroy He-Man! Hehn-hehn-heeehn!
Oh, it's not important anyhow.
JIM: (Cindy) Good night, Slendermom.
- Good night, mother. - Good night, Cindy.
STARCH: Good night, my PREEECIOUS.
(dreamlike music starts)
STARCH: Yyyyep! Called it.
DREAM MOM: Your name's Cindy, not Cinderella.
JIM: (dream mom) And you're made from pumice.
DREAM MOM: You'll go to the party.
JIM: Yul BRYNNER is going. You, CINDY, are staying home.
VOICE: Cindy...
VOICE: Wake up, Cindy!
JIM: (Cindy) I'm woke as f***!
- Who's there? I don't see anybody! - Of course you didn't! I'm not just anybody!
STARCH: (fairy) I'm the Black Dahlia!
Sure
You don't believe me? Well, that's up to you. I just thought you might want to go to that party.
Oh, I do, I do.
JIM: (Cindy) That Mary needs a new mudhole stomped in her!
Oh, but I wasn't invited to the party. They probably thought I'd rather play basketball or go fishing or-
Oh, you've been invited all right. I've seen to that.
STARCH: Now, put on the class president's skin!
- You mustn't tell anyone! - Not even Dennis?
Well, maybe we'd better tell Dennis. I've a feeling he's going to need my help too.
JIM: I've got a pair of shoes that'll make him dance til he dies!
(ding!)
It IS this afternoon!
JIM: (Cindy) I had a doctor's appointment this morning, you bitch!
Oh, what a mess.
STARCH: (Cindy) Sit and spin, you prancing pinhead!
Ready?
(ding!)
JIM: ...huh.
Oh, but this isn't my very best dress!
Oh, now look, you're not going to the party to show off your clothes!
JIM: (fairy) You're going to rob them blind!
STARCH: She's a calligramancer!
FAIRY: ...and neat when you go to the party!
We'd better hurry now, we don't want to be late!
STARCH: (fairy) I gotta drag three of you rugrats back to Arcadia and I'm not getting stuck with leftovers!
Here we are!
JIM: I think this is Mr. B. Natural's mom...
- I hate to be the first one. - I don't blame you. No-one likes to sit and wait for a party to start.
JIM: Oh, or maybe it's Pink's mom.
...get going until everyone arrives.
So whenever you go to a party, Cindy, always...
STARCH: Bathe, for crying out loud.
And when the clock says it's time to go home...
(ding!) Be sure to leave on time! That's important!
JIM: Ya hear that, shoppers who come in two minutes before the store closes?
But you can spoil the fun of a party if you try to make it last too long.
STARCH: A hundred years is okay though.
(kids talking in distance) Oh look, here come some of the others now!
JIM: (Cindy) Whew, I was prepared to wait hours out here to not be first!
Hi Cindy, who are you talking to?
Oh, no-one, I was just thinking out loud I guess.
STARCH: These kids are gonna get picked off like it's Camp Crystal Lake.
DENNIS: Cindy!
JIM: Ah, he got into the Quaaludes again.
I thought you weren't coming to the party.
I wasn't but... you'll see her, then you'll understand.
STARCH: Run, kid! Once you see them THEY CAN SEE YOU!
JIM: Waugh. Piss-ler's Mother.
Whaaaat?
STARCH: Response time, two point seven epochs.
Certainly!
See, they're setting up for a game of musical chairs!
Aw, but I don't like to- (ding!)
STARCH: Did I say you could talk?! Your ass belongs to me now, may-yo-naise!
(Jim chuckling)
Join in the games! A party calls for teamwork!
Why, nobody will have any fun unless everyone joins in!
So join in whole-heartedly in any game suggested!
JIM: Abandon your personal desires and meld with the hivemind!
(music starts) STARCH: You spin me right round baby right round like a record...
(music, kids yelling)
JIM: So uh, you think this is the fairy version of community service?
Whoooops!
Remember now...
(ding!) Don't be too noisy or rough.
(ding!) And don't break things.
STARCH: That's gonna be real awkward when they bring out the pinata.
You're out of the game! That's what you get for bumping into things!
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
- Aw, she's only kidding. - Iiiiii know.
JIM: (fairy) I'm just a tightassed killjoy.
Don't tease or make fun of others. Not even your very best friend. They might not understand.
STARCH: It's not like you're going to need to PRACTICE that kind of interaction to fit in with society or anything...
- Then neither of you would have any fun! STARCH: (low) mumble grumble....
Alright, fairy godmother. Uh-oh, the music's starting!
- What do I do? - Why just what you have been doing!
JIM: Drooling and staring into the middle distance. FAIRY: Obey the rules of the game, and...
(ding!) Be a good loser!
STARCH: Well, he's got plenty of practice....
(music, kids chattering)
JIM: (a cappella "Beat It" guitar)
- No, you beat me! - It was a tie.
Hey, that was fun! Actually, you won.
Sure she did! But here Cindy, you show him what I whispered in your ear.
STARCH: (Cindy) Don't you dare call the cops or- JIM: (fairy) No not that!
(ding!) Be a good winner.
And she was! See how much fun it is when you join in the games in the right way?
I just hope I can remember the right ways you've shown us.
JIM: (Dennis) It took me an hour to remember how pants work. (Starch chuckles)
(ding!) Be polite. And above all...
(ding!) Be considerate of others. So have fun together!
STARCH: Hey, who wouldn't have fun knowing their every move is being judged by a reality-bending spectre?
(kids cheering) JIM: Wha?
STARCH: Ah, now this party officially blows.
JIM: She's just sitting on the bell and waiting...
JIM: Wh... whaoh! No! STARCH: Huh?! They're like eight! JIM: No!
STARCH: Lady, you're a freak.
(kids cheering)
JIM: (Cindy) ha ha ha ha ha ha... oh god what did I just touch?!
- Anyone want ice cream and cake? - I do!
STARCH: Yeah, well tough!
- Here, Cindy. Here, Dennis. - Thanks, Mary.
- Where's... - Here I am!
JIM: (Cindy) Aw, shi- I mean great, great!
I bet I know what you were gonna tell us! Remember our table manners when eating.
Well now you've spoiled MY fun.
STARCH: (fairy) Now satiate me with a bowl of cream or I'll bring every puppet to life for thirty miles around!
Oh you've been a big help fairy godmother! I've enjoyed the party...
- So... go ahead and write it for us if you want to. - Sure, we want you to write it for us.
JIM: If you're gonna be a damn martyr over it.
(ding!) Remember your table manners!
You didn't really need my help.
STARCH: Did you shampoo your hair or just lacquer it?
I guess you don't need me anymore. I may as well be going.
- Oh no! - Oh yes.
STARCH: (bored Wonka) Stop, don't, come back.
...unless you need them. And you don't need me anymore.
But you will remember...
JIM: (fart noise) - To leave on time, won't you?
JIM: Yeah, speakin' of leavin'...
(ding!) ...to thank the hostess?
- And whenever we go to any more parties, we'll remember to be clean, and neat, and to be on time.
STARCH: Leave. - And we'll be considerate of others too, we'll join in the games. JIM: Leave.
- And to obey the rules. - And make fun for everybody, not fun of anybody.
JIM: (in the distance) Hey, Cindy, Dennis, why're you talking to the fireplace, you weirdos?
You'll always have fun then.
Because parties are fun when everyone is considerate of others.
STARCH: Wow, we've actually found a fairy more annoying than Navi.
Don't go. Don't go.
JIM: (ultra sarcastic) I REALLY wanna be YOUR friend.
- Don't go... don't go... - Cindy... wake up, Cindy!
STARCH: OH GOD I'M IN HELL oh, it's just you mom. (Jim chuckles)
Cindy, here's Mary's sister Nancy.
She just came by to tell you that she was supposed to deliver your invitation to Mary's party three days ago, but she forgot!
JIM: (Gollum) She speaks not for I have taken her tongue breeaahhh
Oh yes, oh thank you thank you so much.
STARCH: Enjoy the silent penetrating stare of this phastasm from your sleeping mind.
JIM: Young America Films. OBEY AND CONFORM.
STARCH: CONSUME. JIM: BUY.
STARCH: YIELD.
So here's a thought to hang a closing sketch on. What's with all the dreams in these shorts?
Pop culture.
That all you got?
Allow me to exfoliate.
Yeah.
Ah, yeah.
And now, allow me to elucidate.
Three words: The Wizard of O-
FOUR words: Wizard of O-
Four words: The. Wizard. Of. Oz.
That movie would still be very heavy in the pop-culture consciousness of the 1950s.
And when something's popular, it's gonna get imitators.
It set the pattern for kids having mystical learning adventures in dreams where reality and dream blend in unsettling ways.
Eh, I can see that. So that and maybe "It's a Wonderful Life"?
Eeeeeeeehhhhhh... not really.
That one's really a pop culture thing NOW primarily due to being used as...
...holiday airtime filler throughout the 1970s.
That film didn't do well at all on initial release, critical-like or financial-like.
It just kind of got jackhammered into our collective subconscious through sheer banal repetition.
Intriguing.
Lies and sunder! The dreams of Fitties short film-flams is all an elaborate-
Conspiracy. Of course it is.
Yer darn Putin it is! And that's the A1 sauce in my new series:
"Unhinged Mysteries"! The truth will set ya table!
We're really letting the side characters go to town this episode, aren't we?
Ehh, let 'em have this. It keeps them off the streets at least.
As it transpires, this "Fairy Godmother" is but a mere soldier!
In a top-secret squad of Elite Morality Dream Warriors led by none other than Soapy the Germ Fighter!
Thems and the Talking Cars enter your headspaces through the corns syrups we eats, all to lure us into complacency and sub-sequious-ess-ness!
Teaching childrens to place their trust in creatures that enter their dreams to provide advice, at the behest of their masters... FRITO-LAY!
THEY'RE AFTER THE FLAVOR COMBINATIONS OF YOUR DREAMS!!
I mean do you WANT this guy out On the streets?
No, but I don't want him in my closet either!
But these evil monkeys can be stopped, thanks to my new sponsor!
Sponsor?! I thought you said money was a tool of Big Zinc!
That's true and more! Thus, we now accept cryptidcurrencies!
You mean cryptocurrencies?... says the guy who often misuses words himself?
I know what I slurred! We accept crypTIDcurrencies, like squirrel jerky, the stock barter of good of bigfoots!
And like the bigfoots, you can keep your vital thoughts secure and turgid with a daily dose of Skull Power Gamma!
The new triple-action fluoride pill, because the floridization of water was a double-bluff! Now with Vitamin Lead!
But now they're on to me! So I must away to my safe house in the dumpster behind the Kwik Trip
where they're about to dispatch the day-old breakfast burritos, which I need to keep my force shields active!
Oh-kee doh-kee.
All right, where'd he go, where'd he go?!
Oh. You.
Ummm...
Yyyyou keeping safe?
Yes?
Good, good, yeah, yeah, well... um... soooo....
(under breath) Target lost, call off Strike Force Sudsy, repeat, call off Strike Force Sudsy.
Nothing. Ssssoooooooo...
Bye.
(street noises)
SCHNAPPS: (echoey) I win aghast!
("Party Out Of Bounds") SURPRIIIISE!!!
PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY!
("Aluminum On The March" music begins)
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get early access to the newest videos, and other such things!
Not illegal stuff! No.
What am laws really, anyway?
Well, I've seen worse ideas out of the tech cent... cent... (sigh)
Center... center. Sector, center.
Uma, Oprah.
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