-: Hi everyone, Kathleen Byars here
with Corporate Women Unleashed.
We work with high achieving women,
executive women, women leaders
and really show you how to avoid burnout,
create balance in your life and lean into your career
without having to be giving up
all your personal life and sacrificing
the things that are the goodness in life,
to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
So I'm excited about our broadcast today.
First of all I've been traveling and I was not able
to do the last couple of broadcasts.
Partly because I was traveling
but really because I was sick.
So I came down with I don't know,
something going on and I was hoarse so I apologize
for missing the last couple of broadcasts.
So this is the one we had scheduled a week ago
and it's whether or not you feel like you're in
an executive mid-life crisis.
So, I would love, love love for those of you
who are watching this, whether you're here live
with us today or watching this in recording form,
if you're on Facebook, YouTube,
whatever channel you're watching this from,
it's just, if you've ever felt like, is this all there is?
Like is there something I'm missing and you've gotten
to a point where you feel like life should be
really, really successful but instead
you're just seeing like little snippets of it,
and that maybe you should step back,
maybe you should take a sabbatical,
or any of those types of things you're like,
am I having a mid-life crisis?
Just type a one in the comments and the reason
I'm asking you to do that is not to expose
yourself to the world because I know
we're all very private corporate women
but we need to understand how common this is
and that's the first thing I wanna share with you
is that feeling like you're having a midlife crisis,
is very very common, especially among high achieving women
and high achieving, and high achievers in general
will have this crisis much sooner in life than your 50s.
So you might be 30 having it, you might be 35,
you might be 42.
You may be 50, that's fine but that sort of stereotypical
you know, we have a midlife crisis in our 50s,
happens much sooner to high achievers
because we tend to burn ourselves out much, much quicker
than the general population okay.
So what is this crisis about right?
What's really happening and I will tell you,
if there's one thing I hear over and over again
and our team hear is when on the call,
when we're on the phone with women,
and in our clients is, everyone will tell us,
I fell like I'm having a midlife crisis,
what's wrong with me?
I should be so grateful and so happy
for what I have but instead, I'm feeling like
I just wanna rest, I just need a break.
I just need to stop the crazy train right?
So if you think that too, you know again.
Put a little one in the comments because I think
other people can appreciate how many of us
actually feel that way.
I went through that in my early 30s.
I had started working at the age of 11,
just because that was sort of the way
our family culture was.
Like if you wanted something, you know you had to earn it
so I had really been working and working
and earning and earning from a very young age
so by the time I got to 32, 33 there had already been
like 20 years of me always in this sort of mode
of having to work and having you know, no rest.
You know, no rest for the wicked type of a thing.
But here's what we know.
All work and no play makes Jane a dull a girl
and that is really what's happening
at this point in your career.
So if you think about it, the only story
that we give ourselves or we hear
as kids and we give our children in our society
is if you work really hard, some day you'll get
whatever it is you know, the golden apple right?
You'll get the successful life.
So you have worked really, really, really, really hard.
You put the nose to the grindstone,
any time someone needs something you go yep,
I'll sign up for that assignment.
You worked hard through college,
you worked hard getting your first job,
you worked hard in being the hardest worker
you know, on your floor when you got that first job
so you could get a promotion and then you worked hard
proving yourself at this promotion
and we have all this language and these beliefs
in our culture that we have to work
really, really, really hard to deserve happiness
which is ridiculous because in reality
when happiness is put first
and I don't call it happiness 'cause I think happiness
is more of a, it's more of a fleeting emotion.
You know, I'm happy when my husband you know,
uncorks a bottle of wine for me one night or something,
oh that was so nice that you did that.
But it's really about wellbeing, contentment.
Getting out of bed every day and feeling like,
just contentment with the life you have.
Creating that state for ourselves is not something
we're trained to do ever, right?
Ever in our culture.
When did someone say to they when you were six years old,
yeah how are you gonna live a really contented life?
No, how did someone say, how are you gonna be
a multi-dimensional woman?
How are you going to really create a life
where you get to do all these wonderful things
that you love and have amazing relationships
and experiences and create enough abundance
and wealth for yourself so you can do those things?
Nobody said that to you.
They say, what are you gonna do to get a job?
How are you gonna make money?
How are you gonna be a success?
And everything you did, whether it was bringing home
an A on your report card or you know,
getting into a certain college or whatever you did,
you were applauded for what you did,
as a marker of success but nobody ever said to you wow,
you know what?
I saw you this afternoon go out and lay in a hammock
and really lean in to some solo time for yourself,
that was amazing how you carved out time
for yourself and you really sat out there and thought
and you were alone with your thoughts
and gave yourself some incredible leisure time
and autonomy, good for you.
No, well we never say that right?
We say, are you laying down in a hammock all afternoon?
I can't believe it.
There's like all this stuff that you should be doing.
So when we come from a culture where everything's all like,
productivity, productivity, productivity.
It's no wonder that by the time you get to your 40s
or 50s, or 30s like I was, that we burn out
because we do not know how to create wellbeing
for ourselves okay.
So part of the midlife crisis, what should I do with my life
really has to start with recognizing
that the very first step
is to start putting some time into you.
And creating some space for yourself.
Giving yourself permission to have leisure.
I don't care if you have 10 children under the age of three
or you know, you are flying all over the world
because you are the, you know, top contributor
in your company for all these negotiations
that are going on.
Absolutely you have to learn how to optimize your wellbeing
because if not what happens is you're putting
so much time and effort into meeting one or two needs
which is like security, your job
and ego which is esteem, all of your effort
goes into that, then at some point
because all of your other needs are being met
at a much, much lower level.
You're sacrificing health, you're sacrificing relationships,
you're sacrificing freedom and autonomy,
you're sacrificing your leisure time
that you become burned out and you start going,
what is this all for?
I must be having a midlife crisis and you're really not.
A lot of, a lot of women we work with
what they discover that it's not their J-O-B,
it is not their career, it's not their audacious position,
it is the amount of control they are giving over
to their career.
Whether it's requested by their employer
or whether it's implied, or whether it's just upstairs here
and we think we have to be acting in certain ways.
One of the coolest transformations that happens
to almost everyone who comes through our program
is that they come in thinking,
I'm gonna have to change my job
and it's all this external stuff.
It's my boss, it's my company,
it's my leadership team, it's my junior team,
it's this client, it's all this other stuff right?
And what they learn is that a lot of it they are creating
in the way they show up in their career right?
Because you have to work hard and that's where
your value comes from and that's what you have to do
to keep that job and if you don't keep that job
you're gonna lose that job and if you lose the job
you'll lose your paycheck and your lifestyle
and all these things right?
So the very first thing you have to understand
is that nine times out of 10 you're not having
a midlife crisis in the sense
of pull the ripcord and you know,
you go become, you go to pottery classes or something
it's not about shifting from this thing
that you are so audaciously skilled at
to doing something completely different,
it's about learning how to optimize your wellbeing
so that whether the career and the job
and the specific role you're in is great for you
right now or not.
You understand how to control that environment
and create massive amounts of wellbeing for yourself.
Okay, now once you do that,
now we have a clear playing field to look out right?
The glasses, the fog on the glasses
has been shifted and now you can start
looking forward at like okay,
now that I'm feeling like I have some sanity back in my life
and I have some essence of wellbeing,
now you can make a decision of whether or not
you are going through a midlife crisis.
Are you a round peg trying to fit into a square hole
at your organization or not?
Is there something that's really calling on your heart
that you would love to do?
And do you need to quit your job to do it?
Or is it something that you could be doing
every day as a part of your life
once you learn how to control that audacious career?
Yeah, we have a lot of women who do that.
They're like oh, I've always wanted to be a writer,
I've always wanted to work in my,
I miss my art studio, I used to be an artist
and I used to do more of that
and that was my outlet or I used to be
a runner and you know, all these things.
It's like well, those don't have to be oil and water.
Those can coexist with a really demanding career
but not until you've optimized your wellbeing okay.
Once you've optimized your wellbeing,
then you can start putting on those glasses
and sort of like dialing in the binoculars you know
and kind of taking that, that more intense look
at your life and saying, am I actually operating
in a company or in a role that isn't fulfilling to me?
Is this about fulfillment?
Or is it how I'm approaching this role that is creating
a situation where I can't go enjoy the rest of my life
because if it's how you're approaching your role
and that's what's stopping you from enjoying
all the other aspects of your life,
well then you should approach your role differently right?
That's not a midlife crisis,
that's you showing up differently.
And this is so key.
Like really, really, really lean in and understand this
because what happens is is how we learn to work
through school and through graduating college
and getting that first job,
we are bringing that style of work
up into the executive ranks and especially women
because we have imposter syndrome,
or we're trying to cling to that proverbial table
and all this stuff and so what's happening
so often is that we are continuing to work in this.
I have to prove myself, I have to show everybody
what I'm capable of, I have to, I have to,
I have to, I mean the shoulds and the have tos
that we hear from our clients.
You know, is a mile long.
You don't should to have to anything.
You need to understand the environment you're operating in,
you need to understand what other people around you
are really saying and you need to show up in a way
that allows you to influence that, that's it.
Right, and this is different.
And men do this so much different than we do.
They kinda do it more, not always but they tend to do it
more intuitively, they make that shift.
They're much more comfortable making that shift
than we are, we kind of stay stuck in this like,
Sally has to prove her place at the table
and so what happens is your quality of life
just diminishes because there's no way
to continue to operate in that way at this level
with everything that now your role encompasses.
It's really not, it's just not healthy
and so what happens is you come to work
in a diminished state, you're making decisions
that are far less effective.
You're showing up and you're actually creating
the environment that you're trying to escape from
because everyone's just gonna react to you.
You know, the way you show up is how everyone reacts to.
Can't tell you how many women that we work with
who do not know how to lead a team
and so their team is just very comfortable
with allowing them to do the bulk of the workload,
the bulk of the thinking, the bulk of the problem solving
and so it's almost just sort of like these,
these negative spirals that we get in
because we don't know how to change ourselves
and so we're just busy sort of like,
one of my clients called it playing whackamole
where I think of it like you know, there's a brick wall,
there's like water coming through and it's seeping
and so now we're at the executive level
and we're putting spit all over the brick wall,
trying to stop the water come coming through
and then finally we're like, oh I must be having
a midlife crisis.
I just need to you know, start a pottery company
because I'm just gonna do pottery in my garage
for the rest of my life, because I just can't do is
anymore and that's just not it at all right?
It's learning to work differently,
it's changing your belief system about what's possible.
But in order to do that you've gotta get yourself
to a level of wellbeing
where even if you're on airplanes or you know,
a lot of them, if you're traveling all the time,
70, 80 hours a week.
You know, I just got back from a two week trip
where I had you know, my family had needs,
I was working with different colleagues,
I was on a business trip, combo vacation,
you're on airplanes, like all that stuff
and throughout the entire time I had to shift
how I took care of my wellbeing because my wellbeing
and how I take care of myself and keep my cup full
is gonna be different when I'm traveling,
it's gonna be different when I have my family
and a vacation home,
we don't have our normal stuff around us.
We're not having to show up in hotel rooms
with colleagues and create presentations
and speak up an all these different things.
Like that's gonna be different than when I'm in my
home environment where I'm normally used
to working and things right?
So you have to know how to optimize your wellbeing.
Then when you get into that state again,
you can start looking more objectively
at how your career really fits into your needs
at this level in your life and again, 90% of the time
what we find is that your career is just fine
and it's how you're showing up in your career
and you need to start rescoping how you show up
in your career once you've got a higher level of wellbeing
and you've learned you know, really to sort of lean
away from that psychology or that mindset
that says you've gotta work hard and prove yourself
and prove yourself and just recognize that you're valuable.
I mean that's why you're at the level you're at.
That's why you're a high achiever,
that's why you're a successful woman.
Exceptional women don't have to prove anything.
Well none of us should have to prove anything
but certainly someone who's working
in an exceptional career and someone who brings
exceptional prowess to their career,
it's not about proving yourself anymore okay.
It's learning how to show up with more effectiveness
as an influencer.
So, the first step in I guess the,
the true message that I wanna leave with you guys today
is that feeling like you're having a midlife crisis
is very normal.
A lot of women feel like they're having a midlife crisis
and that's okay.
You're not, but there is something you can do about it
and it does not have to be a sabbatical,
it does not can to be pulling the ripcord
on your career, it does not have to be
leaving the world that you know if that's the world
that you love.
You can be burned out, you can be tired of it,
you can feel like there's no way I can get myself
out of bed every morning and that's pretty normal
but again, it's because you're spending so much time,
and only meeting a couple of your needs.
The rest of your needs are going unmet
and biologically, and psychologically
you cannot keep that up over time.
Okay, you can't, you've been doing it for 10 years,
15 years, 20 years, 30 years
and you are wearing yourself out.
So it's not about a new environment and you guys,
if any of you have been around and listened
to some of my broadcasts you know,
I moved myself from you know,
the busy, corporate, hectic, high performing world
in Dallas, Texas to an island.
How much easier could that be, it's an island
and I still didn't find fulfillment,
I still felt like I was having a midlife crisis.
And it was because guess what, I took me with me.
I took my high achieving self with me to the island
and so it was the high achiever in me, I had to learn
to achieve through possibility by being an influencer,
by being effective, I had to change the way I thought
and the way I played the game.
That's what made my life abundant
and me able and this is what we teach our clients,
here's how you can have your cake and eat it too right?
It doesn't have to be a tradeoff,
it doesn't have to be that but if you think it does,
it will be but when you start shifting that belief
now you see that there's always possibilities.
So again, really focus on the fact that your needs aren't
getting met and start getting those needs met right?
Don't sacrifice these needs for these needs,
just start getting your needs met,
just start filling up the bowl of water.
It's not bunch of little buckets
that you gotta run in and out of,
fill up that bowl of water,
that basket of needs and you're gonna start
to feel more abundant and grateful and amazed
at the life you have now and then from that space
you can go out and sort of survey what's around you
and say, is this really a mid-life crisis
or do I need to start evolving who I am
so that I can start enjoying this abundance I've created,
I can start enjoying this success that's around me.
Maybe I need to change or maybe not.
Maybe you truly are in a toxic environment
and for some reason
you feel like you need to be there right?
Most of what we find is that you can,
you can navigate those environments
far more effectively than you think,
it's usually not just the environment.
We work with women in all sorts of different environment.
None of them have a family friendly
work-life balance environment.
They're all in positions that have too,
that have such grave responsibility
and such huge weight on their shoulders
that there's just no such thing.
So they have to create it right?
They have to create the flexibility,
they have to create the lifestyle they want,
they have to create the environment they want
and take control back over their career right?
And when you do that,
midlife crisis goes away and now you can have fun
and start making decisions from a place of possibility.
Maybe you do want a new job, that's cool.
Maybe you've always wanted to be you know,
an airline pilot, I don't know.
Great, go do that.
Like that's exciting right?
But maybe not you know.
Maybe it's just how you're approaching things
and so again, get your needs met effectively,
pour time and energy into yourself
and then from there you can make decisions
with more clarity.
So, thank you guys for showing up today
for this broadcast and sorry it's been so long in coming.
I want to invite any high achieving woman
who is struggling with this burnout
and with this sense of no matter where I go,
this seems to follow me
and I don't seem to be able to get the fulfillment
and joy out of my life.
I wanna invite you onto a call with our team right?
Now this isn't for everyone, we do these calls
and work with the women who are executives,
high achievers, women in leadership positions,
you don't have to be in the C-suite,
we've got senior managers, directors
but you know you're kind of wired as an achiever,
you know that you're an overachiever,
you're a type A, those kind of things
sort of resonate with you or you're new
in a leadership position that is really powerful
and it's like, I've gotta navigate this differently
or I'm going to you know, or I'm not gonna succeed.
You know that you need new tools.
That's who I wanna invite onto a call
with our team because we wanna work with you
and on a 45 minute call we're gonna have fun,
we're gonna sit down and talk about your career,
we're gonna talk about where you're at,
we're gonna see kind of what your history is,
but we'll just help you develop a game plan.
We're gonna get you some clarity on what's going on
and what's possible for you.
Okay, if working with us and being a part of what we do
is a possibility we'll tell you and if not
we're gonna suggest some other resources but again guys,
we're here to make sure that no woman believes
that she has to sacrifice her happiness
and herself for an amazing career.
You can have a highly successful career
and be happy and content and really enjoy
your personal life at the same time.
They are not mutually exclusive.
Alright, so it's been great broadcasting here today.
If you have any questions, leave 'em in the comments.
Tag someone else in the comments.
There's another woman out here,
maybe you don't need this broadcast and that's cool.
Tag someone else who does, there's someone out there
who needs to hear this and let's pay it forward.
Bye guys, it's been great talking with you.
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