It's really uncomfortable to be real
with someone, right? There's always that
risk that the person is going to reject
you or make fun of you
or otherwise not really understand you.
And as humans we all want to be
understood. Most of us at some point have
had an experience where we were open and
honest and authentic and the other
person just shot us down. That's why the
idea of being vulnerable is so
uncomfortable. It's that fear of
rejection that is biologically wired
into us. When some people think of being
vulnerable, they think of it as being
helpless or weak or needy, which is why
many people, myself included, work so
hard at being self-sufficient. But
vulnerability, when done correctly, is
really powerful. It actually is risky to
be vulnerable, but with risk comes
potential reward. And I'm not saying that
it's necessarily appropriate to be
vulnerable with everybody you meet or
all the time, because it can actually be
quite dangerous, depending on the
situation. But when done correctly there
is nothing the slightest bit needy about
vulnerability. In fact, it's actually
really sexy. So how exactly does it work
to be vulnerable without being needy? I'm
about to tell you, but first I'm gonna
introduce myself in case this is your
first time here. My name is Nancy Da Costa
and this is my YouTube channel where we
talk about developing your awareness,
growing thick skin, and living an
out-of-the-ordinary life. If you happen
to like that sort of thing I invite you
to consider subscribing to my channel. I
publish new videos on achieving self
mastery every Monday. So first of all
what do I mean here when I talk about
being vulnerable? What I really mean by
being vulnerable is actually expressing
how you feel and being honest. That means
not covering up the truth in an attempt
to be nice. In my last video I talked
about how being nice is actually ruining
your relationships and if you haven't
watched that video go back and watch it
after watching this video. I talked
about how fake and inauthentic it is to
cover up how you're really feeling and
why people don't like it anyway.
Expressing how
you really feel about something or
someone is really powerful because it
takes a lot of courage. Actually
admitting your flaws and risking
rejection and being genuine is
attractive and here's why:
it's because it cuts the BS. It
establishes trust because it actually
takes trust in order to be honest. It's
bold, and fortune favors the bold. It
throws out all the mind games, and it
shows confidence. When you're being
responsible for your feelings and
behavior it's really attractive but
there are wrong ways to do this and why
it gets a bad rap. The first wrong way of
being vulnerable is being vulnerable in
an attempt to get something in return. To
truly be genuine means doing it with no
strings attached no expectations
whatsoever and expecting nothing in
return. I've actually seen this more and
more ever since Dr. Brené Brown's TED
talk on vulnerability was so big a few
years ago. Some coaches online courses
and videos talk a lot about the power
of vulnerability but where it starts to
become manipulative is when you think
about being vulnerable as just another
tactic. Going back to the whole bit about
being nice if you think of being
vulnerable as sharing something personal
just to get closer to another person
you're not really being vulnerable
you're really being manipulative and
this kind of vulnerability is actually
being needy. Remember that true
vulnerability and genuity is not put on.
It's what Dr. Glover said in his book "No
More Mr. Nice Guy"
the point that he made is that the
behavior itself on its own is not what's
vulnerable or manipulative. It's the
intention behind it. So if you're sharing
something personal in order to get or to
control then you're not actually being
vulnerable. Not in the true sense. And
people can sense that. Instead, tell
someone how you feel because you're
genuinely inspired to without any
strings attached. That part is critical.
Expect nothing in return. That's it. It's
simply because it's what you wanted to
say, period. And then the other
way that vulnerability doesn't work is
when you're being emotionally slutty. And
for the record I did not coin that term.
It actually comes from "Sex in the City"
and basically what it means to be
emotionally slutty is when you reveal
too much too soon.
Spewing. While this technically is
vulnerable, it's also needy. And it's a
bit harder to deal with. Again the
underlying issue is really the intention
motivating the behavior. So why are you
revealing too much too soon, anyway?
Why are you placing all your emotions on
the table before the other person has
demonstrated that they're worth being
open and vulnerable with? If you're doing
this, it should be highlighting to you
that the issue is really about you. It's
your own insecurities. You're impatient.
You're trying to make things happen. So
take responsibility for your
insecurities and build yourself up to
overcome them. I have a whole playlist of
videos that will show you how to do just
that. This isn't an overnight fix by the
way. This is what you need to do for the
long haul. So start right now. Going
back to the point of the video, how do
you express your emotions without being
needy? Again it all starts with your own
emotional health, your maturity, and your
own willingness to be responsible for
your own thoughts and feelings. Being
real and expressing how you really feel
without any manipulation takes maturity
on your part, and it's not overnight. But
this is how you start. And what you need
to be aware of and to always keep in
mind: and that is (and I set this earlier in
the video) to Expect Nothing In Return.
Meaning if you're expressing upset, don't
expect an apology.
If you're expressing love, don't expect
the other person to say it back. If
you're expressing strong emotions of any
kind, don't expect comfort or consolation
or acknowledgement. Don't expect anything.
If you can do that, if you can learn to
express yourself and to be vulnerable
without expecting anything in return,
that's when you know that you've made
progress. Before I finish I want to say
that I am NOT going to BS you and tell you
that this will all just miraculously
transform all of your relationships
overnight, but
it's not what this is really about. This
is about mastering yourself, the root
cause and the root of the matter. Because
when you do your entire worldview
changes. You don't look at things the
same way again. And the corollary to that
as well is that when you master yourself
all that other crap and BS dissipates
and it becomes a non-issue. And that is
when it's no longer needy to be
vulnerable and express your emotions. So
start right now. Okay, I know this got a
little heady but this is really
important. Being vulnerable with people
is a skill and it takes being
responsible for your own feelings and
your own level of emotional maturity, and
it takes time, too. This is not something
that will happen overnight but I promise
you that when you start to take this on,
when you express your emotions, when you
learn to be vulnerable with people
without expecting anything in return, it
will transform your life. And it will
transform your own experience of life,
and other people will respond to that
too. So I hope you enjoyed this video. If
you did, give it a thumbs up here on
YouTube. It really helps me out a lot. And
of course, if you haven't already, hit the
subscribe button below and the little
bell. And if you like this video, you'll
probably enjoy some of my recent videos
that I've made. I will put links to them
right here and right here. Thank you so
much for watching and I will catch you
next time! Buh-bye.
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