The story you're about to hear is true I wrote it a year ago around Halloween, for Halloween
in fact, that I'm sharing it again because it freaked so many people out. I thought it might freak you out this time.
It's called, You Might Feel a Little Pinch."
That's brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Big thanks to them. Incidentally, a week ago, about this time, right around the same place
I was walking my dog Freddy here...
extolling the many virtues of ZipRecruiter. When Freddy relieved himself, and many of you asked -
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I mean, what's the policy you're in the middle of a commercial essentially and your dog starts to pee? Well, ZipRecruiter wasn't upset.
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It's not even close.
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You'll see why they really are
number one. Well, you really can't script that kind of thing. This is The Way I Heard It. Who's a good boy?
Bill Kemmler's commitment to oral hygiene was about average.
Should he have brushed more? Yes. Should he have flossed more?
Yes. Should he have scheduled a series of routine checkups with his regular dentist?
Probably. As his girlfriend had told him again and again - and
again - "Bill, your bad habits are going to catch up with you!"
Well,
Bill's girlfriend was right
Annoying, but right. His bad habits had earned him a trip to the dentists and
as Bill settled in to the god-forsaken chair, he wondered if there could be a less appealing place on planet Earth.
The glaring light. The pungent smell. The tray full of gleaming razor-sharp tools of the trade. In the dentist's chair,
thought Bill, a man is little more than a bug under a microscope. "Are you comfortable
William? I want you to be comfortable."
Bill nodded. "I guess so," he said. "All things considered.
Dr. Southwick was a founding member of the American Dental Association, a
renowned medical professor at the University of Buffalo, and a pioneer in pain-free dentistry.
It was important to him that his patients be as
comfortable as possible. And today this compassionate dentist was going to employ a brand new device
guaranteed to bring patients like Bill immediate and lasting relief. But still,
Bill was nervous.
Dr. Southwick offered another reassuring smile. "Try to relax, William. You might feel a little pinch."
Bill glanced over at the small audience.
So confident was Dr. Southwick in his new technique
he'd invited a few special guests to observe its debut, including some medical professionals, as well as members of the press.
Bill didn't object. It's not like he was being charged for this visit. So the least he could do is tolerate a peanut gallery.
But still...this was the first time the device was being used on a human being.
Bill laughed uneasily. "Take your time doc.. I got all day."
But Dr. Southwick was eager to begin.
Most eager. He'd waited 10 years for this moment
His device had been tested and retested, and now he finally had all the necessary
approvals. The time had come for the dentist to show the world a better way a more humane way.
And so the procedure commenced.
Bill took a deep breath,
and quickly lost consciousness just as the doctor had promised. Then the audience watched closely as Dr.
Southwick ushered in a new era of medical science, and when the process was complete
The triumphant and compassionate dentist addressed his audience with unconcealed delight.
"Behold, my friends the culmination of 10 years of study. We now live in a higher civilization!"
The audience nodded, in solemn appreciation of what they had just witnessed.
But then, something unexpected happened.
The patient woke up.
Yeah, one of the witnesses shouted. "Oh my God," as Bill began to convulse. Another scream as white foam began to bubble from his mouth.
Something was terribly wrong and the flustered dentist could do nothing but re-administer the procedure from the start. This caused Bill to scream,
Vomit, and empty his bowels, which in turn inspired the doctor's special guests to bolt for the exit,
vomiting as they ran, and
shielding their gaze from the patient who was no doubt wondering if pain-free had some alternative meaning, as he slowly melted
into the dentist's chair.
In time, Dr. Southwick's invention would be put to use all over the country, but back in 1890
there were still a few kinks to work out. And
so, for the time being
men with bad habits like Bill Kemmler -
men who drank too much whiskey, and responded to their nagging girlfriends by smashing them over the head with an axe and then
cutting them up into little pieces - these men would continue to receive their justice at the end of a rope,
or in front of a firing squad, or some other form of capital punishment that Dr. Southwick believed to be cruel and
unusual.
That's why he created a better way to dispatch men like Bill Kemmler. A more humane way.
He used electricity, because
It was...painless.
And he used a chair because,
well - he was a dentist. A dentist who really just wanted the condemned to be comfortable with a revolutionary
breakthrough he called,
The Electric Chair.
Anyway, that's the way I heard it.
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