[ Rhythmic clapping ]
If you find somebody's wallet and they got cash in it,
is it okay to take the cash and return the wallet?
Is that a scumbag move? Or do you return the wallet --
Someone take this right now
and just put the wild "Scumbag" sign over it.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
♪♪
Uh-oh.
So, Donald Trump's new travel ban
was supposed to go into effect this morning.
But Hawaii and Maryland came out like,
"Nope. Stop it. Not happening."
Tck!
Actually, the judges were like,
"No, you didn't get this through the first time.
Why would you waste our time the second time?
Basically got their Judge Judy on and blocked it.
And they was like, "Yo, what you doing, Donald Trump?
Get this outta here. Your travel ban is not valid, my G."
"Beat it, pal." Well, they didn't say it like that.
They probably said it in some legal term,
but it's basically the same.
And this happened
right before Donald Trump had one of his rallies.
Why, if he's already president,
is he still having campaign rallies? Why you having rallies?
It's like having an album-release
four months after your album drops. Come on, dawg.
But, you know -- Are they still doing "Lock Her Up"?
He answered in real time.
He answered in real time and said,
"Listen -- I'm gonna talk on this judge,"
and he doubled down on it.
He was like, "Yo, we're going back to the original.
...the remix." [ Laughs ]
You don't think this was done by a judge
for political reasons, do you?
No.
Audience: No!
This ruling makes us look weak!
But the lawyers all said, "Oh, let's tailor it.
This is a watered-down version of the first one."
And let me tell you something.
I think we ought to go back to the first one and go all the way,
which is what I wanted to do in the first place.
"...yeah, bro." "Yeah...yeah, dude! Yeah, brah!"
He kept walking around the stage, looking at the crowd.
It was like white-people "ComicView."
Bro, yeah, it's like
the worst standup special I've ever seen in my life.
And then, because the people --
You know, if you have nothing to do
on a Wednesday night in Nashville,
you want to go see a Donald Trump concert.
And he surprised the crowd.
He was like, "Yo, I'm doing the rare B-sides.
I'm going with the deep cuts.
I'm gonna bring back the classic track!"
"Yo, Guru, drop that beat!"
And he brought back the crowd favorite, "Lock Her Up."
The law and the Constitution give the president
the power to suspend immigration when he deems, or she --
Or she.
Fortunately, it will not be Hillary, she.
I knew he was gonna say that. What a...dick!
You know he couldn't let it go. Now look at him walk around.
He's like, "Yeah! Shuckey Duckey Quack Quack!
"What's up? What's up?"
Who's your favorite rapper?"
Yeah! Lock her..what? Lock her up!"
When he or she deems --
You know what it was? The crowd was like, "Please."
And he was like, "Nah, I don't do those songs no more.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry." [ Crowd chanting ] Lock her up! Lock her up!
"Please! We love you, Donald!"
Look at the guy in the back.
He's like, "Yo, are they really saying 'Lock Her Up'?
"Is he gonna do it? Yo." Is he gonna do it?"
-They love this chant. -This is wrestling shit, bro.
They love this chant because it's one of the few chants
they can do in rhythm. Yeah, yeah, that's it.
It took them a while to learn it.
It's mad-easy. There's only three beats.
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Slick, slicky. Uh-oh. Listen.
Tonight on "Canadian Bachelor"... Yo, hello.
...Justin Trudeau hosted Ivanka Trump... That's right.
...as his guest of honor at a Broadway show
about Canadian hospitality.
And let me give y'all the tea.
We told y'all on an earlier episode
that Ivanka was making eyes on my son right here,
and now they're going on dates.
Uh-oh! Jared, might be quiet for you.
-Ohh! -Yeah!
♪♪
Look at this relationship's gold memes.
Uh-huh.
-Whoo! -Whoo!
Yeah.
-Damn! -Yeah.
Get you somebody that looks like -- Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
She's looking at his soul like, "Damn."
Yo! God damn!
She's like, "I will have him." Damn.
If your girl don't look at you like that, B,
she don't love you. At all.
[ Laughs ]
Like, you wake up, and your girl looking at you
like that when you asleep.
Like, "Damn." "I love this mother..."
"Yo, if you leave, I'm killing both of us."
[ Laughter ] "With a vehicle."
He explained why -- what was going on --
why he went to the show and what was going on in his life
after the show. It wasn't a date.
It wasn't a date. "Allegedly."
"She's not even my girl, though, eh?"
[ Laughter ]
Woman: What kind of message would you like Ivanka Trump
to take back to the administration about this play?
His dack.
I think the message is just the closeness
between Canada and the United States.
That's --
He's doing it. He's doing it.
He's doing that "3:00 a.m., you up?" voice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That might be Drake in whiteface.
That might be Drake in whiteface.
-We got to double-check this. -Oh, wow.
He's like, "Yeah, well, you know, I mean,
I just told her that I want to show her a good time
and treat her like she deserves to be treated.
"You know when you hear that 'Hotline Bling.'"
Yeah, you know." [ Laughs ] Yo!
And he got the top button unbuttoned? Ooh, boy!
-He's casually cool. -What, nigga?!
What? Alabaster Barry over here trying to finesse.
...darkest possible moments.
I mean, we are -- We share the same continent.
We share the same space. We share the same stories.
And our lives are constantly intermingled.
-Ooh! -This nigga sound like a DM!
He was like, "Yo, we share the same life, we share the same space."
Yeah, he's trying to intermingle some other shit.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -You know what I'm sayin'?
"Yeah. You know what I'm sayin'? I be here. You be here.
"You know what I mean? What's up, yo?
Get snowed in, whatever. I don't use condoms.
That's not a Canadian thing."
Let me put my Canadian bacon in your poutine, ma.
You know what I'm sayin'?"
Woman: Did she speak to you after the play?
Oh, she enjoyed it, as did everyone in the theater.
I think it was a great night for that.
-Hmm. -Yeah.
Great night for what, nigga?
"She enjoyed it. I mean, everyone did, but she --"
"Yeah, especially her."
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Guess what. Donald Trump is a terrible person. Yep.
So it takes a special skill to, for a short period of time,
be more hated than Donald Trump.
And only one legendary emcee,
one of the top five emcees ever in hip-hop,
a.k.a. Mr. "106 & Park"... That's right.
...decided he was going to hop
into the Snoop/Donald Trump beef.
And because our boy, Shad -- Excuse me -- Lil' Bow Wow --
felt the need to vocalize his thoughts,
he put it out in 140 characters. Yo, he didn't give a fuck.
There's no way you can tweet at Donald Trump
and...that up, right? No. Nah, nah, nah. You just say --
He'd probably ignore him.
He's like, "I don't know who Lil' Bow Wow is."
And Lil' Bow Wow was like, "Oh, yeah? Watch this.
Watch this. You can't do this. On concrete."
I don't know why Bow Wow sounds like Ray Jay,
but we're gonna go with that.
-This is nuts because -- -This was not a good tweet.
I mean, this is a bad tweet.
Like, you should've just stuck to Donald Trump.
-"Before we pimp your wife." -Yeah.
Fam. Damn, Shad.
-Ah. You almost had it. -Not even close.
You could've just stopped at "Ayo @realDonaldTrump
shut your punk ass up talking shit about my uncle @SnoopDogg."
Period. End.
Even that, people were like, "Yo, shut up, Shad!"
You know what I'm sayin'? That's the usual.
So it was a usual Wednesday on the Internet
with Bow Wow being dragged.
I mean, we do it every week.
Did you see that -- What's that --
that white lady that used the N-word...
Oh, yeah. ...with Van Jones?
Van Jones, yeah.
Search "Nigger Van Jones."
This is the only time in your white life
you're allowed to type this in.
He's like, "I don't even want to finish it."
He's like, "I don't want to do it! I don't want to do it!"
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "Nope!"
If he had typed in the "GER,"
I'd have been like, "H.R., him right there."
Yo.
Gotcha! It was a trap! Ha ha!
Getting them all out the paint.
But she's a former pro-Trump model.
Ariane Bellamar?
"Actress, activist..." I'm not saying that word.
"Official Booty Call. #Playboy #Playmate."
-What? -She used to be a Trump model.
Now she no longer bangs with Trump.
She's actually proud of the fact she's blocked by Trump.
-Okay. -And then she saw --
'Cause it was Van Jones with --
You know, he's been saying stuff supporting Trump lately.
-I don't know what's going on. -I don't know, Van.
And she decided that, as an ally,
she would put Van Jones in his place
and tell him what he needs to do to help black people.
And she said...
And she left this tweet up all night,
and she was just getting dragged as is the custom,
as we like to do.
I got my little notification on my black Twitter pager.
[ Imitates telegraph ]
They was like, "Yo, go out there and drag her."
Yo, but then the great thing about this
is that she could've just been like,
"Yo, my bad. I'm sorry. I was wildin'.
I was just very passionate. Van Jones is my homey.
We used to shoot dice back in the day."
But, no, she doubled down
as these type of wingdings always do. Yes.
She spent all night arguing with black people
how, first of all, she's allowed to say the N-word
'cause she's not saying it in a racist way -- she's just saying it.
"You don't understand. I'm just explaining that --"
And then they go to definitions
and the Latin roots of the word.
Bro, stop with the "Space Jam"-age.
-Stop. Just say no. -Just stop.
As soon as somebody's like, "Yo, fam,"
just be like, "Oh, shit. My bad. I was wildin'."
That's Caucasian gymnastics. She's like, "No."
She's like, "I'm going to explain to you black people
why I can use this hurtful word
that only black people should use if they choose."
Shout-out to her. 'Cause she was like,
"When it comes up in a song, I have to say it. What do you want me to do?"
I was like, "First of all, in a song,
they said nigga, all right?"
I don't want you being at some concert --
"Where's my niggers at?" Like, no.
♪ I love my bitches, but where's my niggers? ♪
It very quickly went from a DMX concert
to the Country Music Awards.
[ Laughs ] Yo!
...add a guitar on the riff. ♪ Where's my niggers at? ♪
♪ Yeah, I love my bitches, but where's my niggers? ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Today, we have illustrious actor.
You know what I'm sayin'? Activist.
They put "model" in there. Why they put "model" before "activist"?
And that's why I switched it up.
-Respect his agency, all right? -Yeah.
Activist, actor, and occasional model.
You know what I'm sayin'? That's right.
Every homegirl I have has texted me like,
"Yo, is he here yet?" Yo, listen. This is not a game.
We're gonna have to do a ten-second video message
after this for my wife 'cause she's like,
"Oh, my God. You're gonna have Avery on the show?!"
Yo, give it up for Jesse Williams. Whoo!
♪♪
You gave a very impassioned speech at the BET Awards,
and after that, people were like --
There were petitions to get you fired from "Grey's Anatomy"?
Sure.
Is that just, like, regular now?
Yeah. Oh, it got worse than that.
Yeah, I mean, empty, vapid people
that do empty, vapid shit.
Like, they're wack.
They were wack before I said something,
and they revealed themselves, you know,
like, to be trash.
So it didn't threaten me. It's mildly amusing.
Nobody ever sent it to you.
Well, I wasn't onl--
I didn't go online or see anything for literally 10 days.
The moment I gave that speech, I took my parents to dinner,
and I got back on a plane and went back
to shoot the movie I was shooting in Atlanta.
And I didn't go online at all.
So I wasn't part of all, like, the wave of the madness.
That shit ain't healthy, good or bad.
So I kind of missed that experience.
But, yeah, I mean, sure.
There's -- I got death threats, very serious death threats,
and a lot of other stuff.
And I got a family and shit, so you have to be responsible...
-Right. -...as an adult.
But, you know,
I was disappointed because I kind of --
When I came home and was like --
decided to participate in the world again
and see what was up, what people were talking about,
I expected maybe a constructive critique.
I don't even know what I said. I blacked out.
Maybe there's something productive
to come out of a conversation, of something I said.
And I kind of, like, clicked on some of the things,
and it was just people talking with nothing to say.
You play a doctor on "Grey's Anatomy."
-Yep. -Could you --
Like, if somebody's heart stopped right now,
could you operate on them or defibrillate them?
Sure. I cut that shit open, sort that out. No.
You ever be on a plane and they're like,
"Yo, is there a doctor here?"
And you're like, "I could do this."
Yeah, I've definitely been on a plane where they needed a doctor
and the stewardesses or whoever looked directly at me,
expecting me to do some shit.
And I almost thought, "You're joking. What -- You --
The only way you'd know that I'm a doctor
is 'cause you know I'm not a doctor."
Like, you can't know one without the other.
You can't possibly think --
"Grey's" don't look like a documentary.
You didn't, like, walk by a TV screen
and think that shit was real.
I feel like if you approached with confidence,
I'd be like, "Yeah, let me operate."
"He's got it. He's got it. Yeah, he's got it."
No, I mean, I can do a couple basic things.
I know kind of a couple of the first things to check for.
I know location of some basic anatomy.
But, I mean, you know, don't pick me first.
-You dropped the Ebroji app. -Yeah.
Was that just a high idea in your crib?
Like, was that your homies together?
Kind of. Kind of, yeah.
So, Ebroji actually came up --
Three of us -- a good friend of ours --
Glenn Kaino, this really dope artist
and kind of digital mind.
And Aryn Drake-Lee.
We all were together and talking about --
We were talking about language.
We were talking about the way that, like,
black culture in particular is the cultural beacon
for fashion trends, phrases, language, dances.
Everything. Culture.
So we wanted to make something that doesn't wait for --
I found, in particular -- something I kind of mentioned in the speech --
this trend of, like --
I said, I think, in the speech ghettoizing.
But of degrading the way we talk,
the way we dress, the way we wear our hairstyles.
You notice that, like, all "unprofessional" hairstyles
are hairstyles that white people can't wear.
They're just black hairstyles.
-Cornrows and shit like that. -Yeah.
"You can't wear your hair the way you wear it unless we can do it.
And then when we do it, we'll call it boxer braids, and it's fresh."
But, like, where was I?
I mean, we wanted to make something
that doesn't wait for -- The way we talk to them.
Be like, "Oh, 'bling' got put in the dictionary,
so now we can say 'bling.'"
I saw the -- I remember -- I'm all over the place on here,
but it's part of how we got to this topic.
I remember watching, like,
late-night TV over a period of years,
like, in the late '90s, and watching this trend of, like, talk shows.
I think I saw, like, Roy Jones on a "Jay Leno" or something
and watching the way the hosts clown --
In their opening monologues,
like, clown black people and clown the way we talk,
like, use our ebonics mockingly.
Like, "Oh, are you blinged-out? Are you blinged-out?"
And then seven months later, for sure,
"bling" is a word that we all use dead seriously
on the...6:00 news. Shout-out to Lil Wayne.
It's just -- It's just the way --
It's off the hook.
"SportsCenter" got a whole cultural vibe, right,
from doing -- trying to be regular and talk like us.
But it was we can't work in your workspaces
if we talk like that -- it's unprofessional.
But you can when you do it.
So we kind of realized --
I don't want to wait for you to sell me some shit
"on fleek" two years later wrong.
And nobody -- We don't say "on fleek."
By the way, that's, like, the biggest injustice of this decade
is that shorty hasn't made no money
off of inventing "on fleek," and, like, that shit --
McDonald's was using the shit.
Even JetBlue was like, "Yo, our flights are on fleek."
That shit don't even make any sense.
Like, y'all forced that one.
Right, 'cause what Ebroji does is --
What we take pride in is not just the gifts.
We dig and find the best, cool,
most culturally relevant gifts out there.
And unlike --
It's a crazy idea, but unlike any other product,
we don't exclude black, brown, gay, trans people.
So, yeah, we wanted to create something
that does that by not just having dope gifts,
but we curate it in the language we actually speak.
It doesn't have to be cat videos and LOL.
It's actually, "Come on, son." Yeah.
It's eye roll. It's bullshit. It's shade. "Whose mans is this?"
That's a good one. That's a good one.
My favorite tweet when you dropped it --
Some white person was like,
"When are white people gonna get their own set of emojis?!"
And I was like, "Uh, my guy.
That's called Twitter. Like, what do you want?"
Yeah, exactly. You have everything.
But, also, if you have non-black or brown folks, whatever,
using your bodies to communicate how they feel,
there's something kind of subversive about that
that contributes to seeing the humanity in other people, right?
If I can use a dark-skinned black girl
to communicate my love for you
and I'm a 12-year-old white girl in Nebraska,
like, I'm seeing humanity
somewhere where I wouldn't otherwise find it,
where there's really not a space for that.
So there's always layers to this shit.
I'm gonna watch this later high as...and be like, "Yo!"
It's like on Twitter when you do the Black Lives Matter hashtag,
it does a little brown fist,
which is funny 'cause, like, when the racists are like,
"Yo, Black Lives Matter is a bunch of thugs,"
it's like, yo, got the fist in there.
Right. Yeah.
Ha, still got the brown thug there.
You said you did 28 shows in a row before you came in.
You're a very hard worker.
What is the hardest day you've had on a set?
The hardest day...
Well, you used to be a teacher, right?
-Yeah, I did. -How do you compare the two?
That's the best job I've ever had.
-Yeah? -Really?!
Teacher is easily
just the most satisfying, amazing job I've ever had.
Okay, you were a teacher. I was a paraprofessional.
Yeah, high-school teacher. You said professional?
I was a para. A paralegal?
A paraprofessional. The guy that's in the classroom.
Like T.A.? Like a teacher's assistant?
"...you. You're not my teacher!"
Like, you were seeing the kids like this.
Yeah, they hold down Jerry.
"You're not a real teacher. You got a fitted on, cornball!
I'm not reading shit!"
That's some real shit, actually.
[ Laughter ]
That was the best job. That wasn't --
I mean, that's grueling 'cause it's also like 25 hours a day
because you got to take care of these kids.
I mean, these are the kids that went to --
It just reminded me of how I came up
and the schools I went to as a kid.
And you're just trying fit --
You're trying to have kids unlearn all the...up habits
and behaviors that we learn in real life.
And school doesn't really apply.
In the hood, like, the shit we're trying to teach them in school
doesn't necessarily apply to their real life.
We're trying to teach them a grammar that is not used in real life.
We're trying to teach them conflict resolution,
problem solving, discipline, a kind of discipline,
and behaviors that just don't --
It's not real. So what should they do?
Should they do what you teach them for six hours a day
or should they do what actually --
how they actually get down the rest of your life?
What are they supposed to do?
They're gonna fail one or the other, either way.
♪♪
Don't break my heart. What is your rainbow gonna say?
I think my rainbow will be, um...
Maybe -- Does anybody do, like, a goofy one?
'Cause my shit is kind of what --
the mantra that my dad always told me
that helps me kind of get through,
which is just, like, as a general rule --
"If you don't know, find out."
That's good. You know what I'm sayin'?
-"If you don't know, find out." -"If you don't know, find out."
-That's my personal rainbow. -We got a good mix of rainbows.
We have some introspective ones.
Some just make that pussy talk. You know what I'm sayin'?
Is that -- You saw that?
I wrote -- Oh, that's somebody else?
[ Laughter ]
Give it up for Jesse Williams, y'all!
♪♪
-Shout-outs. -Shout-outs.
-Shout-outs. -Shah!
Yo, listen, if you have small children in the room,
you might want to ask them to leave
because this is very sexual in nature.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Let's watch this video. You know what I'm sayin'?
Ooh, first, here we got the plátano.
You know what I'm sayin'? You got a green one.
Ooh, look at the -- Oh, my God.
What is this -- Plátano Bae?
-Oh, my God. -Wow.
Ooh. Oh, peel it, yes. Peel it like that.
Oh, my God. Look at that. Oh, my God.
Oh, you slice it like that? Oh, the long way?
Oh, my God. Oh, the pot is already hot?
Oh, I -- Oh, my God.
Ooh, look at the bubbles. Look at the bubbles. Look at the bubbles.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Like that, like that. Fry like that. Like that.
Flip it, flip it, flip it, flip it.
Oh, he flipped it. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Easy, now.
Oh, sm-- Ohh! Oh, yeah. Smash that. Smash that.
Oh, yeah. Put it back in. Ah, put it back in. Ahh!
Oh, my God. Ah, turn it over.
Oh, my God. Let me hit it from the back.
Ohh! Ohhhhh!
I need a wardrobe change!
God damn. Yo. Oh, my God. Ahh. Oh.
Yo, how could you hate on plátanos, B?
This is very disturbing. This is very disturbing.
This has been a very troubling week
for Dominicans on this show. Oh, my God.
But you know what? Shout-out to y'all.
Ooh, damn. All right. I need a break.
Can I get some water?
Is this what y'all watching after the Baseball Classic?
Hell, yeah, dawg. And then I'm making 10 babies in a row.
Yo, shout-out to the government, who ruins everything.
Y'all...up health care. You're...up Medicare.
You...up EBT. You know what I'm sayin'?
I can't even get hot food no more.
You know what I'm sayin'? And now y'all are...up weed.
The last joy in my life, besides my children
and my amazing wife -- shout-out to you --
is now hamster food.
Look at this photo.
This photo shows a sample of federal marijuana.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Versus the stuff that you see out here in the streets
in the dispensaries, et cetera.
All right, this sample of federal marijuana
distributed to Sue Sisley,
a researcher who just embarked on a clinical trial
to test the efficiency of medical marijuana
on veterans suffering from PTSD.
And she said, "This ain't weed, nigga!"
She said, "It doesn't resemble cannabis.
It doesn't smell like cannabis." Give me my $5 back!
Yeah...outta here. Y'all smoking K2.
"I waited two hours for this?" Look at this. This is oregano.
Yo. Come on, fam.
This is what they sell to, like, white kids by NYU
who just moved to New York City. This is wild.
You're not getting high off of this.
If your dealer gives you this, he don't respect you at all.
If your dealer gives you this, you have to kill your dealer.
Yeah. On the spot. Those are the rules.
Government. Government Reggie.
Government marijuana. See? It's all bad.
I would just like to point out
this is the marijuana that you get underneath Donald Trump.
But when Barry was in office,
we were getting the wild-luxurious kush.
Every now and then, he'd just give you extra.
"Hold this, boy.
"Yeah, here. Hold this down. I...with you.
My man Biden told me you was holding it down on the blizzy.
No doubt. Good lookin'." There you go."
♪♪
Think about what you do with your hands on a daily basis
and think about a million people doing those things
and then touching that doorknob
that you're about to touch with your bare hand.
Not only that, I have seen people wash their dick
and dry it with the Port Authority --
with the hand dryers there. Absolutely.
I seen a dude with two and a half teeth
take a shit in a urinal at the bus depot on 170th.
You know what I'm sayin'?
So, trying to go over the bridge?
Niggas are shitting in the urinals.
-Scary. -Ugh. Damn.
Like, the air is heavy in there.
It's humid. Yeah, bro.
You got to throw your shoes out when you get home and shit.
Just leave them shits in front of your door.
The worst is you're at the urinal, you look down.
Your lace is out.
Aaah! Wild-absorbent, nigga, like --
Just soaking it in, like...
It's gotten all fat 'cause it's soaked in all the urine.
[ Laughs ]
Yo, I'm not tying my shoe for two days, fam!
Niggas be like, "Yo, your shoe's untied."
"I know. You want to tie it for me?"
[ Laughter ]
You're walking, and it's, like, sloshing on shit.
Slap, slap, slap. Just slapping on your jeans.
Shit wraps around your leg, nigga, like a gladiator sandal.
You're like, "No!" It slaps you up in your face.
Ohh! Get the one drop in your mouth.
Aah! Disgusting.
Ugh! [ Spitting ]
♪♪
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét