every day we wake up and we go at it
again and come evening and you're crying
about how yeah we're blaming and shaming
and negative with them and having a
nasty face Adam and you're surprised
welcome to the focus on the family
broadcast helping families thrive ladies
welcome back to focus thank you you guys
have really struck a chord with moms
whether the issue last time when we had
you was on anger yes women and anger and
and and this time with the parenting
issues kind of the basics but what are
you seeing that you're connecting so
well with the mother community well I
think that we're just I would like to
say that we're smart and so we're
talking about things that we perceive
and I know but I think that we're just
moms who have truly struggled ourselves
and we have turned with all of our
hearts and all of our prayers to the
Lord and said Lord we want to look more
like you in the way we're responding to
our children and less like our natural
knee-jerk responses and we can't do that
without you we know that the fruit of
your Spirit is love joy peace patience
kindness goodness faithfulness
gentleness and self-control but my
parenting doesn't look that like that I
I know that you've told me if I abide in
you and you abide in me there will be
fruit so where's the fruit God and so we
just started pursuing what does it look
like to put on the fruit to keep in step
with this fruit of God's Spirit in my
life in the parenting life in the
parenting as he continues to mature me
from the inside and the fruit grows up
and out and hangs on the laurels of my
life
how can I still start practicing love
joy peace and all the other you know one
one descriptor you left off which i
think is an important one too is the
tears that moms cry yeah sometimes
because of their own guilt yeah you know
they got angry lord help me why do I get
angry at my kids speak to that before we
get into the scripting idea because I
think moms carry such a heavy burden
I've seen it gene I mean it's almost
unbearable yeah well you're totally
speaking my language because that was me
I would say you know before I had kids
there's certain things I'm never gonna
say words matter I hear so many other
parents say oh I'm so mad at myself I
promised myself I wouldn't speak like
that to my children and then we get in
the heat of the moment and we just have
that knee-jerk reaction that default
phrase or thing that we say the shaming
language whatever it is that just flows
right naturally off of our tongues and
we do feel a lot of guilt and we say oh
you know I'm hopeless as a mom why do I
keep doing that and I began to realize
that as one day led to the next and I
kept saying the things I did not want to
say that I didn't have a good plan in
place I just simply didn't translate
those verses that Wendy just stared
about the fruit of the Spirit I wasn't
thinking and making a plan
what does putting on self-control for
myself look like in the way I respond to
my child instead of reacting to them and
I can have hope knowing that God's gonna
help me yeah he promises me that fruit
I'm not the worst mom on the planet I'm
a sinner who's struggling but there's
hope for me to change because God is the
God of all hope and so I have the
ability by lying on the Lord and asking
him to help me Lord changed this one
thing in me this one thing I'm saying
wrong help me make a plan and to say
something that honors you and really
coaches my child and breathe life into
well and I love that she's saying this
one thing because what I say to the
woman who's crying is hey if you take a
moment I bet you can pinpoint what that
trigger is that's that's bringing you to
that place that makes you feel defeated
and you're doing the wrong response your
face is all screwy and you're you're
exasperated and you're slamming
cupboards in the kitchen and what is it
that consistently your kids are doing
over and over that always takes you by
surprise why are you surprised always in
the car or it's why is he always coming
out of bed and I'm exhausted at the end
of the day and if you can pinpoint what
it is you know one of one of the things
that we shared with you guys last time
based on our book triggers which is
really about mommy anger is figure out
what you mean
to say before you say something mean so
take a look at those times when you're
really struggling and say okay know what
do I really mean to say mm-hm and if I
can slow down and sit down then I can
write down a better response yeah let's
get to this kind of the can do make a
change yes you heard that that that
quote that says the the definition of
insanity is doing the same thing over
and over and expecting a different
response that's why being a parent
saying in every day you do the same old
lecture and one day you're just hoping
it's gonna it's gonna click for him no
you actually let's stop the lecture
let's come up with what we really mean
to say all right and sometimes the
script is a consequence right so you
smarty you've already been lectured
about a sibling rivalry but let's say
that was your first example right so
they've heard all about they've heard
all the verses about brothers living
together in unity we've gone through all
of the Bible studies well he's really
all right they don't care this is a
pretty classic response by a Christian
mom to quote scripture or maybe you have
the children write them out multiple
times
yeah but how can if they already know it
one of the things that amber and I
remind each other because we are friends
too so I will actually call her and say
I'm struggling with this I did not know
now that they're getting older so we're
always reminding each other you know
Wendy you don't need to lecture him he
knows that that's wrong behavior so
let's take it from sibling rivalry I
come in first thing in the morning and
they're already swinging if not with
their hands then with their words right
and my natural tendency just my natural
response is that if they're fighting I
need to fight them to stop fighting
right you know their fight is actually
an invitation for me to join them in the
fight and I had to change my mind and
that's actually one of my scripts when
my kids are struggling I'll tell them I
see that you're struggling you need to
change your mind about how you're gonna
struggle and so I've been using that
script on myself I see und that they're
fighting and you want to join them in
the fight you
to change your mind about how you're
gonna respond to this so I have started
seeing them like they're in a boxing
ring and they're swinging at each other
and the coach does not jump into the
boxing ring the coach stays on the
outside of the ring walks around to
their corner and is communicating I'm in
your corner and you're struggling I'm
not struggling because I'm the parent
I'm the one here to help you through the
struggle so I've had to learn when my
kids are having a fight their sibling
rivalry I stay on the outside of the
fight and I call them to their corners
so I'll say out loud ding-ding-ding
everybody to your corners and that's my
simple script so there's a simple script
and then there's a lecture so do they go
to their corner well I had to train them
that this is actually what we do and
they're older now so I have a 14 year
old that when I say everyone to your
corners he goes to his room and he knows
this isn't really like it's not a
timeout it's a gift you get to go to
your room you can read you can write you
can play your guitar you can kids can do
Legos but you may not fight and so
that's another one of my school says you
may not fight yeah and that's good and I
like that in the concept of the script
is think it out ahead of time when your
kids fight and you've listed 30 in this
book which is outstanding if you cover
30 you've covered most of the things
you're going to encounter but let me
take you to the sibling rivalry script
because having two boys we've had a few
of those and and the point is in the
training of them you know it's great the
outcome is there now you can go ding
ding to your corners and they've learned
to go but the parent who hasn't done
that it's the training and I had to tell
by the hand and walk right take him by
the hand walk okay and it's they come
right immediately after it I take them
right yeah and do you need me to sit
here with you while you learn to have a
break and I'll tell you why you're
having a break you're gonna hurt your
brother you're gonna hurt your
relationship and I'm your mom and I'm
not going to allow that I love you too
much I love him too much
you know I can think of a couple of
times when the kids were younger and
they're in a public place and you can't
it's not at home where you can say ding
ding ding let's go to your corner
because the corner is the other end of
the store
what are you doing that public
environment were so many moms you know
it's the snares and the brows that you
get from the other mothers but your two
kids maybe three kids are going at it
what can you do in that public I have a
couple of suggestions one if you can
leave mm-hmm I mean it's true if you're
out of toilet paper and you're out of
milk but really you can leave and what's
a better teaching tool to you know your
veins are bulging and you're you know
strong holding everybody with your hands
and pushing the cart with your hip and
you're just gonna make it through and
they'll learn the lesson and then you
you know you exploded them in the car or
to say this isn't working and then you
get to the car you drive home and
oftentimes I remember those times they'd
fall asleep almost immediately and they
were communicating I'm not in a place
where I can do this right but the second
is you don't need to teach your child in
the problem what they're doing wrong in
the arena so my script to myself is
don't parent in the problem save the
lesson for later get home get calm and
say that did not work let's talk about
why it didn't and maybe again maybe the
script needs to involve a consequence
when that happens then when we come home
you need to whatever that consequence is
going to be in that situation if we go
for ice cream if whatever it is that's
good you won't get it but you don't need
to stronghold them push through make
sure it was the most teachable moment
you can actually save the lesson for
later get out there get out of there and
it's really being the adult I mean
that's what I hear you know I appreciate
that you know again we're all emotional
creatures and even we as moms and dads
when we're in that grocery store we're
responding out of our embarrassment
that's right you know we're lashing back
and get in line what are you doing come
on stop that and it just is this vicious
cycle so I like the idea step back don't
don't take the bait right just be calm
get to the car the profiles lead and
remember the script that you can say to
yourself as a parent sometimes we need
to have our own internal scripts we
write about that in the book too and
times the internal script that I have
when in the store and my kids are not
behaving is their behavior is not a
reflection of me it's not a reflection
of me really so breathe moms are you
serious really how do you get there
truly it's a it takes a long time it
really does you know to get to the point
where you you can just breathe I just
give myself a moment to catch my own
breath because it's more embarrassing
when you see kids acting out and then
you see the parents losing their mark on
three kids and so I just I saw that so
much in myself initially that I thought
you know what I'm this time it's gonna
happen they're going to act out so when
it happens I am going to be putting on
self control yeah and I'm gonna breathe
and I'm gonna remember that this is not
a reflection of me they are their own
sinful natures and what I get to do now
is model you know all of these parenting
scripts really are us modeling for our
children how to communicate in a way
that honors the Lord and breathe life
into others and they'll be able to use
that for every relationship they have
moving forward alright let's go to
another good one
disobedience I said to do it why do I
have to do it just because you said so
because I said so
I mean what parent hasn't heard that at
some age I mean it's usually 10 11 12
where they start kind of that challenge
but speak to the disobedience factor
those things can happen at a young age
too I don't want to write and you know
the response the hands are on the hips
and you're saying because I told you or
because I'm the parent right because I'm
the mom and I would enough that's why
and you know what that is true and
there's the time for that we are the
authority God has given us that
authority but Wendy shared a verse
earlier that you know we tell our kids
the Bible talks about that it you are
required to obey us so it will go well
with you so that you will have a long
life there's all these benefits to
obedience and so we try to talk about
those sort of organically as we go
throughout the day like oh look at you I
just saw that you did the right thing
I'm very proud of you that really
blessed me and I know that blesses the
Lord so part of our scripts are looking
for opportunities to be positively
affirming them when they are obedient as
opposed to always trying to parent and
scripts in the aftermath of the problem
but then you know catching them doing
something good is a really good
headspace great comment yeah and some
researchers say you need ten to one five
to one
right affirmative that's right comments
to one negative I read that when my kids
were very young and I remember just
crying like I remember this not when I
was like but I there aren't that many
positives and what I found the Lord say
to me was well then there needs to be
less negative correction well instead of
saying I have five say that again
because so many lit I see it I know it's
so counterintuitive for the media to get
that say it again you're in if the ratio
is we need 10 positives to one negative
and we can't manufacture enough
positives we can't find enough positives
well that means we need to have less
negatives I can see the negatives and I
can find a time to put those 25 nasty
things my boy said to each other in one
teachable moment
so hey guys after we clean up the dishes
from lunch I want you to join me on the
white couch in the front room this is
the rhythm that I'm noticing today
either it's a rhythm maybe we're in a
rhythm of disobedience we know with nose
and why kids actually don't say no they
say other words that mean no they do you
know like um hey bud what we're doing
some laundry bring the bring the laundry
from your room and the boys bathroom
yeah I'm just gonna bet that's there's
no that's his teenage no yeah I'm just
gonna means no and then twenty minutes
goes by still no so whatever is that
you're seeing that could have been 25
negative Corrections take note of what
they are and I'll bring them together
and I'll say this is what I'm noticing
today how can we make a choice to turn
around so that's the script that's a
screw-on disobedience what would be
another example of one of the things
that I did with my boys is I took that
verse on obedience again
you know I'm big on just taking one key
area that I need to work on or that they
need to work on at a time otherwise we
get really overwhelmed as parents so if
I'm working on disobedience with them I
will talk about you know all the
benefits of obedience in the Bible you
know just simply casually as we're going
about our day and one of the verses
talks about you know that it will go
well with you so I tell my boys I said
this is one of the benefits of obedience
when you obey me when you obey your dad
it will go well with you and the
opposite of that is that things are not
gonna go well if you don't obey they're
just not gonna go well and so we kind of
talk about that you know over a couple
of weeks and then sure enough the
opportunity will arise where they
inevitably will disobey and something
will not go well for them as a result
they will go way too high up on that on
that you know Hill that I've told them
not to climb up on in our backyard and
they fall and they get hurt
or I tell them you know you need to take
your jacket today because your teachers
taking you on a field trip you're going
on a long walk nope not taking my jacket
mommy you know there's all these natural
consequences and sometimes it's I
clearly told you that if you did this
this would be the consequence that you
would receive and now they're
experiencing that so we know and we see
so in those moments I'll say you know
what son I love you I'm really sorry
that happened but what happens when you
don't obey and then they'll say things
don't go well yeah they don't go well
I'm so sorry you had to experience that
and really good at parenting with
empathy allowing natural consequences to
do the work yeah and say wow as a result
of that well you you hurt yourself as a
result of that you can't go to youth
group on what's known as a result of
that and I'm sorry that must be really
hard for you let's talk about how that
might go better next which again what's
so good about that it takes you out of
the direct wiring which is allow allow
their consequences to do the parenting
for now asking them a question to get
them thinking because I'm not really
just interested in the quick fix of
their obedience I'm really interested in
them growing in character so that when
they become men they think twice before
someone pressures them into doing
something that they know is wrong it's
good let's get to another one before the
close today and then next time we'll
come back and pick it up but bedtime
battle
yes I share actually I think that I
share more scripts in this chapter then
like maybe all that Slava chapters put
together because it has been
consistently a problem and just the fact
that there have been multiple scripts
tells you that sometimes you just need
to keep trying
changing them up is you got multiple
kids they go through multiple seasons
but it can be a silent script it can be
when they come out you don't talk take
them by the hand I mean talking about
little ones and you walk them back to
bed and you do it over and over and
another script I had a child that was
man he already struggles with
discontentment and always asking for
more so I have no doubt that half the
listener to half of half of your
listeners right now are saying yes my
child who's discontent is most
discontent at bedtime the three books
and the back tickle and the blessing and
the song yeah and making up a story it
just wasn't enough they're asking for
more on they're coming out and they're
coming out so I learned I would I would
walk up to his bed at tuck in and I
would say all right before I get down
there and I cuddle with you I want you
to tell me three things that I was just
like I I did amazing for you today the
first time like that's a strange request
I said come on tell me because I know I
did lots of really awesome things to me
bacon that's a good ok what else did I
do well you took us to the park and you
picked up my friend I was like ok you
got three already and we could go on so
now I want you to tell me three things
that I can do for you at tuck in that
they're just gonna it's just gonna fill
your heart and he said well I'd love a
back tickle and a blessing and a story
ok so I get them in there and I do that
and then I said to him and this became
really the last part of the script your
heart is so full of all the yeses you
got today you are not gonna call out and
you are not going to come out and I
walked out and I kid you not he didn't
call out her come out
and it was the thing and then I started
using that I know that this we're not
necessarily talking about discontentment
right now but I think that that can be
one of the things they want more and
more and more and so during the day I
started using it hey Caleb tell me three
things that you've gotten a yes at today
wow that's really wonderful you don't
need to push for more right now but my
favorite bedtime battle script didn't
come from me because I had tried all the
things and then there's still other
problems my husband said at bedtime one
night guys I've been watching you at
bedtime your mom loves bedtime more than
any other part of the day she thought
this was gonna be just the most
wonderful part of our family life and
you guys push her and push her and don't
honor her so she's not tucking anyone
into bed tonight and the kids were like
ooh life without a tuck in he said you
may meet with her on the couch back to
the couch right I still gave them
everything I usually give him I hugged
him I blessed am i saying their blessing
I tickled their back sitting up and I
sent them off and I said if you can stay
in your room tonight I'll tuck you in
tomorrow night and it worked and it
worked and now when I see them coming
out I say listen you need to head back
and if you can't stay in bed tomorrow
night I don't tuck you in yeah and I
think one of the difficulties is when it
doesn't work I you know we laughing at
some of this but when you have what I I
mean you were really confident in that
moment at the tuck in time saying okay
here's what I want from you I want you
stay in bed and you turned around and
you're rightfully as a parent going Lord
made this work set the door and they
didn't come out but speak to the mom
who's doing that but they're coming out
what's the next thing
here are some seasons I think where we
need to embrace that we're not going to
have the ideal scenario that we really
want and hope for as a parent and we may
actually be missing out on something I
remember when you know my boys were
really struggling with us they're very
good now about going to bed because
we've been exceedingly consistent that's
like we was talking about very very key
to be consistent we have a routine that
is as rigid as a prison system you know
it really lies in love better food and
a nicer bed so they should be very
content with all of those yeses alright
we've given them windy but so we are
really really consistent and that helps
we brush our teeth we have our baths we
have a snack a little bit earlier if
they really need it we do this story we
do a song we do a prayer and then we
kiss and hug and we walk out you know
and it's a routine and they know and
we're just very calm and loving and firm
in our commands but there was a season
when they kept pushing the envelope and
I began to realize that they'd start
talking again because they weren't
supposed to be talking after we had the
lights out we said our prayer it was
silent I'd stay for a moment and then
I'd hug and kiss and walk out but they
keeps it but mom I really wanted and I
was trying to just nip that in the bud
there's no more talking now the lights
are out right and then I began to
realize that the things they were trying
to share with me were very meaningful
right they were finally quiet
they were busy busy active boys all day
long and doing all kinds of things and
they didn't tell me a whole lot of
things that were really going on in the
inner workings of their heart but when I
wanted them to be quiet was when their
hearts suddenly came alive and they
wanted to tell me mommy you know I had a
hard time with my friend at school today
right you know I really by the way mom I
had this really successful moment in art
class today and you know what my teacher
told me like I was missing out I
realized I was shutting down their
opportunity to express what was going on
in the deep parts of their heart and
mind that they wouldn't normally tell me
about during the day and so I had to
discipline myself to stretch it out
another half hour down freshest half
hour I really was dying to go take my
own bath you know or finally shove down
a late dinner if it came to that you
know whatever it was for myself I had to
say you know what it's okay
this season is gonna pass they need to
tell me what's on their hearts and minds
right now they're not trying to be
naughty there's just so many things they
want to express well this is so good you
guys
amber Leah and Wendy speak authors of
the book parenting scripts man thank you
for the start of this discussion I want
to keep going and cover a few more of
those scripts for moms and dads who are
listening and this is an outstanding
resource you know we when we look at a
book we can
kind of get bored with book we can get
book itis but you need resources that
will point you in really practical
directions this is one of those very
practical approaches to getting some of
the basics of parenting right and like I
said man I wish you would have written
this 14 15 years ago for gene and me and
I'm sure John you feel the same would do
hey I'm John fuller and thanks for
watching get more info about focus over
here and more from our guests over there
and be sure to subscribe to our channel
as well
For more infomation >> Can I use Cold Porcelain Flowers on Cakes? - Duration: 9:46. 
For more infomation >> Solution To Your Skin Problems, DONGKOOK PHARMACEUTICAL MADECA DERMA CREAM | DADA Studio - Duration: 0:55. 
For more infomation >> 一個真正聰明的人，往往會在這四個方面 「狡猾」 - Duration: 7:54. 
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét