♪ ♪
(gasps, shouts)
What are you doing?
I could ask you the same thing.
Your sleep style is completely wrong.
Sleep style?
Yeah. Studies show you should lie on your left side
with a pillow between your legs.
Memory foam if possible, but goose down
if you're willing to settle.
Here, spread 'em.
(Link grunting)
Now, do it.
I was actually gonna get up now.
Oh, come on, man. Just try this.
I-I'll be here the whole time
to make sure you're doing it right.
Now go to sleep.
-Link! -Mija.
You did it right that time.
Good.
♪ ♪
What? Now I'm eating my breakfast wrong?
Not wrong, that would be subjective.
You could just be eating it better. That's a fact.
Fine. Let's hear it.
You see, you cut your toast down the middle.
You really want to cut it on a diagonal.
That way, you can put the triangle in your mouth first.
You don't get any butter on your face.
Look at me. Full beard, no butter.
Well, my way, you get to the interior faster.
Plus, I can see my complete bite mark.
I can tell if my jaw is still in alignment.
Why don't we consult an expert?
I'm sure we can find somebody on YouTube who can back me up.
Hi. Today I'm gonna show you how to properly cut toast.
You really want to cut it on a diagonal.
This is you.
I am an expert.
300 views don't lie.
That way, you can put the triangle in your mouth first.
You don't get any butter on your face.
Look at me. Full beard, no butter.
-Fine. -Uh, your knife grip
is suboptimal, but that's for another time.
JOEY (on computer): Welcome to Joey's Toy Review.
Today, I'll be opening and reviewing
the Inflatable Stepdad.
Mom's gonna blow him up.
40 million views.
Why would you watch a kid open toys
when you could just as easily watch me cut toast?
IGNATIUS: This is the landlord. Notification of entry.
You got to hide. You're not supposed to be here.
Wha... what?
RHETT: You got to get in the beanbag.
IGNATIUS: Do I have the tenant's permission to enter?
I'll explain later,
but I'm not technically allowed to have a roommate.
-What? -Just get in.
-Uh... -IGNATIUS: Hello?
(groans)
-IGNATIUS: I do not register a reply. -Keep going.
IGNATIUS: I believe my tenant is in peril,
and I must barge through the door.
LINK: Don't forget about me.
IGNATIUS: Are you in peril?
Initiating barge procedure in five, four...
(laughs)
Good morning, Ignatius.
Morning, Rhett.
I'm here to replace the lightbulbs.
I'm changing these LEDs
to LE-Double-Ds.
Makes for a fuller glow.
-Those are huge. -My eyes are up here.
You know what, I can put them in myself.
Thanks for stopping by.
Holy Hector!
Is that a beanbag?
Uh, yes?
Rhett, I love these beanbag daddies.
Uh... (clears throat)
Landlord requests permission from the tenant
to, uh, sit on the beanbag.
Uh, tenant is uncertain of the structural integrity
of the beanbag chair and fears for the landlord's safety.
Landlord accepts all risks.
-(Link grunting) -I've made a lot of memories
in beanbags like this one.
1967: Summer of Love.
(Link grunts)
1968: Summer of Bean-Love.
But I can't find a good spot, man.
(Link grunts)
-Sometimes you got to slap the bean a little. -Ow.
(Link grunts)
You got to beat these beans a little bit
-to get them in place. -(Link grunts)
-(Link grunting) -IGNATIUS: You know what?
This bag of beans is a bag of junk, man.
Plus, it's making man noises.
Uh...
You know what?
-Huh? -I'll get that looked at.
-(grunts) -Well, good luck on your bad chair.
Making man noises...
(door closes)
(exhales sharply, coughs)
(weakly): You came back for me.
Sure did.
-Guess what I've got. -What?
Two tickets to the trendiest spa in this city.
Thanks, but spas aren't my thing.
Oh, no, I was gonna use both of them on me.
You know, really pamper myself.
I thought you'd be happy for me, and that would cheer you up.
But now that you've made it weird,
would you like to go with me?
No, you just double up, it-it's fine.
Listen, man, you need to relax
-as much as I want to relax. -It's not my thing.
Why wouldn't you want to go to the spa?
I just don't like doing anything
that involves me getting naked.
Why?
♪ Naked ♪
♪ No, I can't take it ♪
♪ No, you'll never ♪
♪ Ever see me naked ♪
♪ Blippity blop, blop ♪
♪ When I was a baby, I was born unclothed ♪
♪ I cry, cry, cried 'cause my wee-wee was exposed ♪
-(cries) -♪ When I take a shower ♪
♪ I wear bathing suits, so if somebody barge in ♪
-♪ They won't see my fruits ♪ -♪ Banana ♪
♪ I won't go to the doctor to turn and cough ♪
♪ 'Cause before you turn and cough ♪
♪ You got to take your undies off ♪
♪ I got a birthmark on my bum I'd rather no one see ♪
♪ It looks like a cave drawing of Judge Judy ♪
♪ Guilty ♪
♪ Naked ♪
♪ No, I can't take it ♪
♪ No, you'll never ♪
♪ Ever see me naked ♪
♪ Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah ♪
♪ You won't see me naked over my dead body ♪
-♪ And when I die, don't perform an autopsy ♪ -♪ Scalpel ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm pretty sure you have to be naked for those ♪
♪ And in that case, my cause of death ♪
-♪ I'd rather not know ♪ -♪ Measles ♪
♪ You'll never see me naked, trust me, bro ♪
♪ 'Cause clothes is what separates us from the animals ♪
♪ Well, that and perhaps self-consciousness ♪
♪ But what is consciousness if not knowing to wear pants? ♪
♪ Naked ♪
♪ No, I can't take it ♪
♪ No, you'll never ♪
♪ Ever see me naked ♪
♪ Blippity bloppity, Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang! ♪
Um...
I'm pretty sure the spa is non-nude,
so, I don't think you've got anything to worry about.
You could've said that earlier.
"Spachula"?
(soft, ethereal music playing)
Greetings, cosmic journeymen.
-I'm Enrique. -I'm Rhett, and this is Link.
Thank you for seeking serenity with us here at Spa Chula.
-Spachula? -No, Spa Chula.
Spachula.
Round out your "A."
Spa.
Spa... chula.
Either you're not trying at all,
or you're trying so hard that it's sad.
It's a spa called Chula. It's not hard to understand.
Spa Chula.
I understand.
-Thank you... -Rhett.
-Reese? -Rhett.
Thank you, Brett.
-It's Rhett. -Red?
-Rhett. -Brian. Okay, thank you, Brian.
-Okay. Good. -Chula was my mother.
-Ah. -And your father's name was Spa.
His name is Howard.
Anyway, I'm pleased to tell you that Spa Chula
is a holistic therapy center.
We treat both the body and the mind.
Resulting in an experience that many people find life-changing.
-Yeah. -(inhales) I'm not super comfortable with life-change.
Do you have a static life option?
Man, you got to be open to new experiences.
-What's this? -That's 100%
sustainable recycled urine.
Mm. Frothy.
Thicker than you think.
Yeah.
ENRIQUE: The first stop
on your mystical tour of relaxation
is the chemical peel pedicure.
(wind chimes jingle)
These tubs are filled with locally-sourced, organic acids.
-Acids? -Organic, huh?
-Please. -Please, no!
Can't you just loosen up and put your feet in the acid?
(sizzling, bubbling)
(Rhett and Link yelling)
(Rhett whimpering)
(yelling continues)
(Link screams)
-It hurts! -Yeah, we got to keep going
till we get to the good hurt.
Oh, yeah. There it is!
And... out they go! Quickly!
-(Rhett and Link sighing) -ENRIQUE: And voilà.
Your feet have been rejuvenated.
I'm gonna need to get new Rollerblades.
RHETT: Oh.
-(wind chimes jingle) -Here in the womb room,
guests return to a time before birth.
As you can see, we've carefully recreated
the inside of a woman's uterus.
This was designed after my mother's.
She must've had a lot of children.
Six children, to be exact.
Plus, she carried a litter for our Great Dane, Maggie.
Once inside, the womb
will wash away all of your grown-up fears.
Which is why you'll need to shed your earthly vestments.
I told you I was pretty sure it was non-nude.
I'm out.
Link, where you going, man?
I'm taking my clothed body home.
Listen, you're just gonna have to trust me.
There is nothing to be afraid of.
Just gonna be two guys together in a womb.
You made me come here, you made me put my feet in acid,
but you're not gonna make me get naked.
Fine. I can be naked for the both of us.
I don't know.
I promise it won't be weird.
This is weird.
Well, it's only weird because you're wearing a diaper.
What kind of baby wears a diaper in the womb?
A baby with a healthy amount of shame.
And can you stay on your side of the bag?
Amniotic sac.
And please don't say "sac."
(imitating mother): Sleep soundly, my dear, sweet,
innocent, unborn twin boys.
(echoing): You're safe in mommy's womb.
I'm just gonna come around here,
while I'm doing some laundry.
I got to admit, this is relaxing.
So your boy knows what he's doing, huh?
Hey, Rhett?
-Yeah? -Thanks.
You wouldn't judge me if I suck my thumb, would you?
Judge you? I'm gonna join you.
(both sucking)
Honey, come quick.
Feel the babies, they're moving inside me.
(as father): I don't have time. I'm watching the game.
(as mother): You don't have money on this game, too, do you?
(as father): Just our whole life savings.
Plus, I'm banging the neighbor.
(Enrique shouts)
Oh. Oh! Oh!
I'm feeling contractions.
Oh! Oh!
(as father): Then squeeze, honey.
Squeeze!
Push! Push, honey, push,
like they taught you in those classes that I said
were a waste of time because I wanted to drink with the boys.
(as mother): Oh, thank goodness,
Dr. Bernstein's here.
(as doctor): Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
It's just, with all the paperwork these days.
Uh-oh, looks like we've got to do
an emergency C-section.
(fabric tearing)
(panting)
I feel reborn.
Who's gonna be the first to get circumcised?
Gentlemen, welcome to the truth lotion room.
It's a therapy that relaxes your muscles
and your inhibitions.
It'll help you form a more truly honest bond.
(lotion squirting)
(clears throat) There we go.
All right.
Ah.
Now,
let the truth flow out.
(soft, ethereal music playing)
I... still use my college I.D.
to get a student discount at the movies.
I... always fill my free water cup
with a little bit of pink lemonade.
I don't absolutely love Viola Davis.
I never get express written consent
from Major League Baseball when I have a bunch of friends over
to watch the game.
I steal toilet paper rolls from rest stops.
Sometimes when I use a spoon, I'll wipe it with my shirt
and put it back in the drawer.
I wish I had a Siamese twin
so I'd have somebody to talk to in the bathroom.
I think penguins are fancy jerks.
I wore a "No Fear" shirt in 1994,
but I was full of fear.
"Rhett" is short for "Loretta."
I wouldn't normally say this type of thing,
but this truth lotion is really starting to work.
-Mm-hmm. -I really appreciate that Rhett
pushed me out of my comfort zone and got me to try something new.
I appreciate your appreciation.
Aw, that's sweet.
How long have you two been best friends?
Oh, "best friends" is a little premature.
We're, we're just roommates.
Plus, I won't be around much longer.
I plan on moving to Dayton, Ohio.
-Ohio? -Yep.
Is that a problem?
Yes. Wait a second!
No!
-(towel slaps floor) -(gong sounds)
RHETT: Not that I care, but why the sudden obsession
with Dayton, Ohio?
Oh, it's not sudden.
For years I've obsessed about Dayton from afar.
Walking paths, yarn store.
Did you know that Dayton has the fewest surprises per capita
-of any American city? -I'm not surprised.
I just never thought I'd have the guts to move there.
But today, you've shown me that
trying new stuff is a good thing.
Yeah, I'm pretty great, but are you actually gonna do it?
As soon as possible.
I got no job, Vanessa's got Roberto now,
there's no reason for me to stay.
Gotcha.
Okay, wellness warriors,
time for a little extreme detox.
Now, there's a tiny chance you'll feel a teensy prick
and a bigger chance you'll feel something more.
-(drill whirring) -What's that?
I'm installing a port in your back
to allow the toxins to flow out.
I don't mean to second-guess,
but isn't that what my butthole does?
There are similarities, but we prefer the term
"back belly button."
Well, as long as it's not a second butthole,
I guess I'm okay with it.
RHETT: You know what?
I don't think he's enlightened enough
to get a back belly button.
I am too enlightened enough for a back belly button.
And I'm tired of you bossing me around.
Enrique, do mine first,
and make it extra wide.
You think the folks in No-Surprise-Dayton
are gonna know what to do with your second butthole?
We prefer the term "back belly button."
Lay off Ohio, man. I bet there's plenty of people there
with back belly buttons. Right, Enrique?
Oh, no, they took our license away in Ohio.
See? No back belly buttons.
Bunch of closed-minded fools.
Why don't you go join them?
Well, maybe I will!
Fine. Leave.
I'm gonna get two new buttholes!
Again, we prefer "back belly button."
All right, Enrique, drill me.
And don't stop till you hit the table.
(drill whirring)
(grunting)
-(knock on door) -IGNATIUS: This is a landlord notification
of emergency maintenance.
Under these circumstances,
I am obligated to make a birdcall of my choosing.
And if there is no response, I am free to enter.
(Ignatius clucking like a chicken)
-(door opens) -Bad news, bad news.
Uh, the LE-Double-Ds were fake.
The diodes was just full of silicone.
The light from these is much more natural.
Who are you?
I'm the... beanbag repairman.
Uh-huh.
That's complicated work.
Are you here to take the man noises out of it?
Oh, yeah. Uh, just got a few left.
Hmm, I know all the local beanbag repairmen.
Where are you from?
Uh...
-Wisconsin. -Really? What part?
The Ohio part.
Where is Rhett?
Oh, he's been over at Spa Chula for the past five days
getting a back belly button installed.
Back belly button?
Well, that shouldn't take more than three days to install.
Well, good luck telling him that.
He thinks he's got all the answers.
That boy doesn't even know the questions.
He spends so much time surrounded in luxury,
he doesn't know what he needs.
And what he needs is someone to look out for him.
Rhett? Well, he seems so confident.
Please. That child is full of more beans
than that bag you got your head sticking out of.
I never would have thought.
You know, something about that back belly button thing
doesn't feel right to me.
And I'm pretty good at spotting things
that don't feel right.
Anyway, I'm-a let you get back to your work,
Mr. Beanbag Repairman from Ohio, Wisconsin.
(door closes)
Hey, Inflatable Stepdad, can you take me to the pool
and then to the cactus farm?
42 million views? (scoffs)
"Back belly button...
"...is bad, real bad.
"If you have a friend who got one,
"they are victims of an evil scam
and you should rescue them immediately."
No, it's not "spachula," it's Spa Chula.
Chula was my mother.
You'll crawl inside her uterus later.
Hey!
Your little scheme is over, Enrique.
I'm here to rescue Rhett.
Looks like someone has lost his serenity.
Here, have a glass of warm urine.
Ah. Frothy.
-Wait! -(dramatic music plays)
Stop! That room is for employees only.
Welcome to Joey's Toys.
Today I'll be opening the cinnamon-dusted basketball.
I hope this thing bounces as good as it smells.
So this is who watches those videos.
Oh, yeah! Look at all that cinnamon!
-GROUP (chanting): Like. Comment. -(Joey laughs)
I never wanted this.
When I started here, this was a normal spa
with foot massages and plain tea,
but our customers were just so pliable.
And then, he came along.
-GROUP (chanting): Share. -Yeah, I love it.
I'm just gonna lick it off my hand.
Everything we do here leads right up to this.
"Truth lotion," it's a muscle relaxant
that allows people to remain seated indefinitely.
And the back belly button,
it's just a port for their food and waste tube.
Ah, food and waste go through the same tube?
-That's nasty. -It's all nasty.
Nasty as my black little heart for allowing this to go on.
I don't even know why I'm telling you all this.
I just get a couple of glasses of urine in me
and I turn into a yakety yak-yak.
-Rhett! -Like. Comment. Share.
View. Like. Comment. Share.
-What have they done to you? -View. Like.
He can't hear you. He's lost in Joey's world.
-This is all my fault. -Comment. Share. View.
-Like. Comment. -I should've been there for you
-just like you were there for me in the womb. -Share. View.
-And just like Ohio is there for everybody. -Like. Comment.
I don't deserve to wear the name of the Buckeye State.
Comment. Share. View. Like.
Comment. Share. View. Like.
(chanting continues)
♪ ♪
View. Like.
Comment. Share. View. Like.
(Link grunts)
View. Like. Comment.
-Share. View. Like. -Nothing, huh?
That would've worked if this were a movie.
GROUP (chanting): Like. Comment. Share.
You're naked. I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Enrique.
-Do you have a robe I can borrow? -Sure.
GROUP (chanting): Like. Comment.
Share. View. Like.
-Comment. Share. View. Like. -Sorry.
-LINK: Oh. -RHETT: Comment.
(gasps)
Why am I so hungry all of a sudden?
Where's my food and waste tube?
GROUP (chanting): Share.
-Link? -Yeah.
I'm getting you out of here, buddy.
Go. Fast. Or he'll destroy you.
-Who? -JOEY: Me.
If you want to leave, you'll have to fight me first.
GROUP (chanting): View. Like. Comment. Share.
View. Like. Comment. Share. View.
(cries)
Ow, Daddy. He hurt my bottom.
Huh. Enrique is Joey's dad.
-You monsters. -(Joey crying)
Hey, thanks for coming back to get me
and sorry if you got the feeling
that I've been bossing you around.
Well, it was more than a feeling,
but I know your heart's in the right place.
Let's just call it a feeling and get out of here.
Wait, shouldn't we do something to help all those people?
RHETT: No, they're too far gone.
The people who really need our help are right out there.
That's right, Rhett.
Hello, viewers.
We'd like to take a minute to address a very serious issue:
videos of kids opening toys on the Internet.
The truth is: the only way to explain the popularity
of these videos is that there are thousands of people
being held captive in nefarious view-farms,
much like the one depicted in this episode
of Rhett and Link's Buddy System.
Don't be a statistic.
The next time someone offers you a glass of urine,
be sure it comes from someone you trust.
Ah.
(exhales): Whew.
-LINK: Spachula? -RHETT: No, Spa Chula.
-Spachula. -Spa Chula.
-Spa... chula -Spa... Chula.
LINK: Spa... chula.
ENRIQUE: It's not the hands you should be repeating,
it's the sound-- Spa Chula.
LINK: Spachula.
ENRIQUE: It's like you just flattened that "A"
with a hammer, is what you just did.
LINK: S-Spachula?
RHETT: What's this?
ENRIQUE: That's 100% sustainable recycled urine.
RHETT: (groans) Delicious. Mmm.
ENRIQUE: It's my own.
RHETT: Oh, thank you.
(laughter)
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