Hey everybody, this is Mallory Grimste,
here with you from mallorygrimste.com.
And today I'm here
to ask you a few questions.
Has perfectionism ever made you feel miserable?
Can you seem to not figure out how to just "enjoy the journey"
while achieving your goals?
Well this video is for you today,
because we are talking about what to do
when perfect is not good enough.
That's right, what to do when perfect isn't good enough.
I'm gonna go over not one, not two, not three,
but FOUR strategies that can help you
when perfect isn't good enough.
So before we get into that,
for people who are coming back, welcome.
If you're new here, let me just introduce myself.
My name is Mallory Grimste,
I'm a teen therapist, licensed right here in Connecticut.
And I'm here to help you build confidence,
and know that you are not alone.
I've helped thousands of teens
who feel exactly the way that you do.
I get you.
And the teens that I work with are super motivated,
and work hard to get to a place
where they can learn to know, love, and trust themselves.
We are in this together.
So if you are interested in any of those kind of strategies
or tips or videos,
make sure that you hit follow or subscribe
so that you don't miss an update when I share them.
All right, if you are new here, please don't skip this,
this is my little mini-disclaimer.
This information is being provided to you
for educational and informational purposes only.
It is not psychotherapy or counseling,
and this content is to be used at your own risk,
based on your own judgment as a self-help strategy.
If you need to speak with a professional,
you should go ahead and find one locally
and contact them directly.
All right, now that we got that business out of the way,
let's go ahead and jump right into it.
Okay, so first we're gonna define perfectionism.
So perfectionism is the idea
that anything less than perfect is just unacceptable.
There are some positives to this.
This can be very motivating,
it can be inspiring, it can keep you focused on your goals.
So there's some really great positives
to having perfectionistic thinking,
or perfectionism traits.
Serena Williams and Martha Stewart
define themselves as perfectionists,
and view that as a positive
that they've been able to harness the power of perfectionism
to achieving their goals.
So, here's the thing though,
sometimes perfectionism can be problematic,
and it can be problematic
when goals are beyond reach or reason.
So this happens when you start measuring your own worth
entirely in terms of your productivity
or sense of accomplishment.
So, when your goals
or your perfectionism that you're going for
is beyond that good enough,
like it's really impossible,
and you're only valuing your self-worth
or self-esteem on that,
that's where it gets problematic.
So, I'm sure you guys are probably wondering,
what are these strategies?
What do you do about perfectionism
when it gets out of control like this,
and it starts actually decreasing your productivity,
keeping you stuck, lowering your self-esteem,
what do you do?
I'm gonna go right into these four strategies
right now with you.
So the first thing you're gonna do,
is you're just gonna ask yourself, "is it true?"
Question your beliefs.
Could the opposite be true too?
So, for example, say that you are a tennis player
like Serena Williams,
and you are dedicated to being number one;
you wanna win, you wanna win them all.
If you don't perform perfectly,
is it possible that you can still win?
Probably.
Serena's made some mistakes, right?
Nobody's like 100% perfect all the time,
regardless of what they'd like you to believe sometimes.
What if you totally,
if you were trying to get an A in your class,
and a big test is coming up?
If you happen to get a complete zero on one exam,
is that going to mean that you're a failure?
Is is gonna impact your grade?
Sure.
But is it gonna mean that you are no longer smart?
No, it's one thing.
So start challenging and questioning your beliefs.
How true is this?
Is the opposite actually the truth?
Okay, strategy number two.
This one's a little risky.
But this is to experiment with intentional mistakes.
So sometimes the fear that goes along with perfectionism
is that if I make a mistake, that equals failure.
Versus, if I make a mistake, this is a learning opportunity.
Very, very different mindsets.
Very, very different emotions attached to that.
So when you make an intentional mistake on purpose,
first of all you're having control over that.
But you're also able to sit with your discomfort
and survive it,
which is pretty cool.
So don't do this when there are major consequences.
Like don't do this for the SATs,
please don't do this for the SATs.
That's a big deal.
But you could try it for something,
for like, really minor...
If you are always worried about looking put together,
or looking perfect,
try wearing two mismatched socks.
Is that gonna make or break you?
Or try missing a button on your shirt.
I would do it in your belly area and not in your chest area,
don't be flaunting about or anything.
Or one of the examples that people give,
which I don't know
that this necessarily applies to teenagers,
I'm a little shocked at how few teenagers
know their full mailing address.
But try writing the wrong ZIP code on an envelope,
and mail it out.
Don't do this with your taxes, again, nothing major,
but just something minor,
like mail a letter to your camp friend,
and just write the wrong ZIP code and see what happens.
Usually what will happen is the world won't crumble.
The mistake will come up or it won't.
Sometimes it still gets to the destination,
that's pretty cool.
Like, the post office, they're very on it.
But what will usually happen
is they'll return it back to you and say,
"Hey, you made a mistake.
"You have an opportunity to correct this now."
Which is pretty cool.
And you can see, try it with minor things,
and you'll see it's easier to live with
with the bigger things too.
All right, strategy number three,
is ask, what would you tell your friends in this situation?
We are often so much kinder to the other people in our life,
than we are to ourselves.
And so sometimes by shifting your perspective,
that's actually what we call this in therapy,
we call this perspective shifting,
is being able to take yourself out of it,
and be the advice-giver.
It's actually one of the reasons
that I love doing group therapy,
especially with teenagers,
because when they're able to take themselves out of it,
and to help somebody else,
they're having to think about the problem
in a new and different and helpful way,
and when they're speaking that out loud to somebody,
they're able to hear those words for themselves too.
So pretty cool.
If you don't have somebody to actually talk it out with,
you can journal it.
You can talk to your phone, it all works.
You can talk to your dog.
I talk to my dog all the time.
Just think about what would you tell a friend
in this situation?
A friend that you care about.
And then the fourth strategy
is learning how to compromise.
Now this is a really, really tough one,
because what tends to happen with perfectionism,
and perfectionistic thinking,
is that it's either I fully achieve
what I've set out to accomplish, or nothing.
And the truth is is that we tend to live
in the gray a lot.
So you want to think,
is there another alternative than the complete opposite?
What is the gray area here?
Is it livable and survivable?
Usually yes, which is pretty cool.
So I have a question for you now.
Let me know in the comments,
how have you learned to manage and live with perfectionism,
perfectionistic thinking?
Do you struggle with perfectionism?
I know I do.
It's probably why I'm so good about these strategies,
'cause I've learned how to manage and deal with this myself,
and now I'm in a position where I can help others too.
So let me know
what has been your struggle with perfectionism,
and what's helped and what hasn't helped.
And if you try any of these strategies,
let us know that too.
All right everybody, I am Mallory Grimste.
It has been lovely and wonderful
being able to talk with you all today.
If you like this video,
please be sure to like, comment, subscribe, follow,
wherever you are on this, share it.
I wanna make sure that this information
get into the hands of the kids who need it,
so please, please, please pass this along.
And if you need anything else from me,
you can head on over to mallorygrimste.com
for more information about how I help teens build confidence
and learn to know, like, and trust themselves again.
All right, thanks everybody,
have a great rest of your day.
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