If you're married and watching this video, I hope you're living happily ever
after. But if not, stay tuned because today we're going to talk about what to do
if you're unhappy in your marriage. This YouTube channel, Principle-Based Living
is all about helping people find and achieve happiness in their lives.
I believe that's what this life is really about. That everything we do we do
because we want to be happy. And the problem is when we are experiencing
unhappiness in our life, it's because of a lack of knowledge or understanding. And
so, we get conditioned in our life. So we're born into this world and from an
early age, we're just taught things and we observe
things that are going on around us. And many of those things we just accept and
we believe those things to be true or the way that this world is in which we
live. And we never really question them. And then those beliefs become habits.
They become part of our subconscious and we go throughout our life operating on
beliefs that have been created without us ever really turning our brain on and
questioning whether those beliefs are true or not. And the way that that works
is we have feelings or sensations or emotional and physical states in our
life. And we tend to to quantify them as either positive or negative or good or
bad or happy or sad. When we're in a negative state, we don't like being in
that place. And the subconscious part of our brain takes that as a threat to
our safety or our well-being. And so our brain goes to work of trying to change
that state to get us to a place where we feel happier, we feel better. And so
through trial and error, we try different things and if those things work to
change our state then we do that again. And if it works again, we do it again and
if it works again, we do it again. And after a while, it becomes a habit and we
never really questioned it. Sometimes the things that we pick up and become habits,
it works in the short-term. So, it gives us an immediate payoff or result that
changes our state and so it seems like it works. And because we never questioned
it and because we're on autopilot 90% of the time. That means 90% of the time, it's
the subconscious part of our brain that's driving our behavior. So because
of that, we never really question what's happening and we don't really look at
cause and effect. So, we may see a situation that we're in. We behave in a
certain way, it changes our state so looks like this caused this. So we were
sad and now we're happy and this created the happiness. But then the happiness
passes and we're unhappy again. So this wasn't really the solution to our
unhappiness but it seems like it is. And so we repeat it over and over and over.
Drugs are an example or alcohol is an example of that. We're feeling an
emotional state, we take a pill or we take a substance or we take a drink and
it changes how we feel. So it appears that you know the drug or the alcohol is
the solution to our unhappiness. Well that may work for a period of time until
the substance or the alcohol begins to create problems in our life and then we
begin to realize that, "Oh, this isn't the solution or the cause of my happiness. It
was just something temporary that covered up my unhappiness or my negative
state." And at some point maybe we realize that happiness ultimately is a choice.
It's not something that is determined by our circumstances
sense or a situation. I get to choose my happiness and I can actually choose to
be happy in any circumstance or any situation. And Viktor Frankl was an
example of that who learned that through his experience in a concentration camp
where he found that the group of people that all experienced that common
situation and that common experience actually experienced it differently. So
some of them experienced it with love and happiness. Others experienced it with
anger and hate. Others experience it with depression and chose to roll over and
and to die as a result of the experience. So, the truth is we can choose to be
happy in any circumstance or situation. So with that foundation, let's look at
the decision to get married. Why do we do that? And why do we enter into marriage?
If... And think about your situation. So if you're unhappy now, we'll go back to what
was your emotional state like before you got married? When you were single, were
you happy being single? Or were you looking for something that would help
you be happy? How many of you were maybe at a place where you felt like the
solution to your unhappiness was finding the right person and then getting
married? And so your belief was the marriage would actually help me be
happier? Kind of goes back to that false belief, right? That something outside of
herself can make us happy. The real question is, "When I was
single, if I was unhappy then, well why is that the case?" So, what was I believing
was making me unhappy, maybe it's a belief that I'm unhappy because I'm
single. And then I have the belief that if I'm married, I will be happy. Again, if
I have a false belief it's going to drive my behavior, I'll behave in ways in
accordance with my beliefs. But it will not give me the outcome that I
want. So if I am unhappy and I think that getting married is going to make me
happy, I'm going to be disappointed because I will find reasons to still be unhappy.
Because as hard as this may be to hear. If I was unhappy when I was single, I
wasn't unhappy because I was single. I was unhappy because I wanted to be
unhappy. But then you might say I didn't want to be unhappy. Well, if we get to
choose our emotions with our thoughts, and I'm unhappy it's not my circumstance
or situation that's creating my unhappiness.
It's my thoughts. And I get to control my thoughts. So if I'm choosing thoughts
that are creating an emotional state of unhappiness, I must want to be unhappy.
Now, sometimes in life, we don't want the truth, we just want to be right. You know,
So, maybe I don't want to really look at that. Maybe I don't want to admit or
acknowledge that I wanted to be unhappy. And that's okay. Nobody can make you do
anything that you don't want to do. You can continue to believe that you're
unhappy because you are single and you're unhappy now in your marriage
because your spouse is doing or not doing something that you think that he
or she should or shouldn't do. Or there's some other circumstance in your marriage
that shouldn't be that way. So maybe you disagree on how your parenting your
children or maybe you don't have as much money as you think that you need in
order to be happy. Or maybe the home that you're living in isn't the home that you
wanted to live in. So, maybe your spouse isn't providing the way that you thought
he or she would. Or your spouse isn't pulling their share of the weight or
whatever it is. All of those things are just... They're just really excuses for us
to focus on and to blame and to say that those things are causing and responsible
for my unhappiness. The truth is until I'm willing to look at it and to take
accountability and to say, "Actually, I am the one that does get to
choose my level of happiness. I'm never going to find the solution." So what may
happen is I'm unhappy in my marriage. And I think that the solution to my
unhappiness is something outside of me. And if I hang on to that belief, I'm
probably going to find more and more things to be unhappy about. and ultimately, it
may end up in ending the relationship. Because I'm unable to find it in the
relationship. So I will now go find it in a relationship with someone else. And so
I am this relationship and I go begin a new relationship. And in the beginning,
when I find the right person again, things may be good and I may be happy.
But this is all founded on a false belief. And it's only a matter of time
before the circumstance or situation or the person will begin to do things that
do not fit your expectation of the way the person or the relationship should be
and you'll begin to feel some level of unhappiness again. And that whole cycle,
that whole pattern will begin again. So, what's the solution? How do you find
happiness if you're unhappy in your relationship? Well, it starts with being
honest with yourself and being willing to accept or seek out truth. So the truth
is we get to determine our emotions and so if I am unhappy, I need to begin to
ask myself why. And why do I want to be unhappy? Because I've been conditioned
throughout my life that there's some payoff or there's something that I get
from being unhappy. Otherwise I wouldn't go there. So I need to be able to look at
that and say, "Okay, well when I'm unhappy. What do I do?"
Well, maybe I blame others and what that does is on a temporary basis, it shifts
responsibility of my happiness to someone else.
And that may feel good because then I can say, "Well it's not me."
It's because of this or it's because of that. The problem is that gives away our
control and it keeps us stuck in that pattern. So, I need to accept
responsibility for where I'm at in my life, I need to accept that I get to
choose my emotions and my state. Next, I want to look at, "Okay, well what's the
reason behind it. What's the false belief?" And then I want to I need to get
to the place where I'm willing to give it up. Because nobody can make you give
it up. If you want to hang on to it, you can hang on to it. And if you choose to
hang on to it, I just encourage you to be aware and to pay attention. To keep in
the back of your mind at least the things that I'm saying and be willing to
consider if what I'm saying is true or not. And if you get to the place where
you're tired of the way that your life is and and you want things to be
different. To maybe begin to consider that if I want things to change then I'm
the one that needs to change. And as you begin to do that, if you will begin to do
that, if you will begin to look at and just say, "Okay, I'm going to make a decision
in my life. I no longer am going to choose to be unhappy. And every time I'm
triggered or something happens and I find myself in that unhappy state, I'm
going to choose to take control. I'm going to identify what are the thoughts and
beliefs about whatever the trigger is that is causing me to be unhappy. I'm
going to seek out new knowledge and information to help me change my
paradigm or change the lens through which I'm seeing my relationship and
seeing my life. And begin to see the good that is there. And as I begin to see the
good and to express gratitude for the good and what's working in my life, I'll
begin to see more and more of that." And what will begin to happen is your
relationship will transform. And it will shift from a relationship where you are
unhappy to a relationship where you can feel happy and fulfilled, loved
and accepted. And basically create the relationship of your dreams. Thanks for
watching. If you like what you're hearing, then like the video. Subscribe to our
channel. If you're watching on LinkedIn, then follow me. And if you want to know
more then visit our website at principle-basedliving.com.
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