- What is it that someone who is a narcissist
or who has narcissistic personality disorder,
someone who's really self-absorbed,
what is it that they want you to do?
What these people do is they play the victim.
They blame you or they blame other people
besides themselves for their own thoughts and feelings
and they expect other people to rescue them,
to shower them with attention, and to tell them
how great they are and to tell them
not to worry about anything.
(upbeat music)
Hi there and welcome back.
In this video, I'm gonna talk about what to do
and more importantly, who you need to be
in order to keep the narcissist, the selfish,
the self-absorbed and the otherwise douchy people
out of your life.
If you have a problem narcissist in your life
or if there is someone who is giving you trouble,
this video's for you.
So, there's one thing that narcissist
and even co-dependent people can't stand,
whether or not they even realize it
and that thing is boundaries.
And this isn't just for dealing with people who are
narcissistic and expect you to take responsibility
for their thoughts and feelings,
but this is also applicable to people who are
overly responsible or if you felt overly responsible
for other people's feelings because both spectrums
of that, narcissism and co-dependence,
is very unhealthy.
But the one thing that these people on both ends
of this spectrum can't stand is boundaries,
whether or not they realize it.
What I mean by having strong boundaries is
taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
while at the same time not taking responsibility
for someone else's thoughts and feelings,
meaning there is a boundary between what you are
responsible for and what another person is responsible for.
That second bit is critical, the part where you don't
take responsibility for thoughts and feelings
that are not yours to be responsible for.
Before I get into it, I wanna share that the reason why
I'm speaking about this is because I know
what it's like to not have good boundaries,
to not understand how to set boundaries.
I've struggled with boundaries my entire life.
It's not until really recently, within the last 12 months
that I've really gotten a handle on having good,
healthy boundaries between your own thoughts and feelings
and someone else's.
So that's what's really inspired me to share this video
and I also know that a lot of people struggle with this,
especially when dealing with narcissistic behavior
or people with narcissistic personality disorder.
So that's why I'm sharing that here in this video.
Before I continue, I should introduce myself
in case this is your first time here.
I'm Nancy Da Costa.
This is my YouTube channel.
We talk about developing your emotional intelligence,
growing thick skin and living an out of the ordinary life
because having a high degree of emotional intelligence
gives you the thick skin to deal with these situations
where a lot of people struggle
and where most people struggle,
particularly people who are not aware of these ideas.
So, if that is something that interests you,
if these are the types of conversations
that you like to have, I encourage you
to subscribe to my channel.
I publish new videos just like this one every single week.
OK, so going back to dealing with narcissists,
what is it that someone who is a narcissist
or who has narcissistic personality disorder,
someone who's really self-absorbed,
what is it that they want you to do?
They want you and they actually expect you
to take responsibility for their own shit.
This is called the victim mentality
and it is very common in our culture.
But basically, what these people do is they play the victim.
They blame you or they blame other people besides
themselves for their own thoughts and feelings
and they expect other people to rescue them,
to shower them with attention and to tell them
how great they are and to tell them
not to worry about anything.
So that's the basic level of what a narcissist
emotional awareness and intelligence is at.
They're not operating at a level of emotional health
and they also don't have good self esteem.
So, when someone like that starts to blame you
or expect you to take responsibility for their
thoughts and feelings and you refuse to,
it completely turns these people off.
It's like they don't wanna be anywhere near you
after that point because they now know
at an unconscious level that you're not a good source
of what's called narcissistic supply.
In other words, you're not willing to indulge them.
So, setting good boundaries between your own emotions
that you're responsible for and other people's emotions
actually turns these people off.
It's almost like a protective shield,
like kryptonite against narcissism.
So that's what having strong boundaries do
but you might be wondering what having
good boundaries actually looks like.
I'll share some examples of those in a few moments.
But very briefly, having strong boundaries
or having good boundaries are really just a side effect
of having good self esteem and not needing validation.
It goes beyond yourself.
It actually benefits other people as well,
particularly if you can provide an example of
what a good level of emotional health looks like.
But on the flip side of that, setting good boundaries
actually does work to create good self esteem
and boundaries are also created by people
with good self esteem, so sort of like
a feedback loop, if you will.
So, when you start to create good boundaries,
especially if you've struggled with boundaries
in the past of if you didn't even know
or didn't even realize that you had issues with boundaries
between your own feelings and other people's,
you'll start to feel better about yourself.
You'll feel more confident and other people around you
are going to notice.
And the best part of this is that the narcissist
and the toxic people and the douche bags
and all those people that have been causing you trouble
will start to leave you alone.
You'll notice, over time, as you continue to do this,
and I'm gonna share how to start doing this,
that those people will stop showing up in your life
and you'll only attract people with good emotional health.
That's a great thing.
That's what, I think, if you're watching this video,
that's what you want.
If that's something that you want,
leave a comment below saying yes, I want people around me
with good emotional health
and I wanna be a person who has good emotional health.
OK, so, why do people struggle with boundaries?
Or why do people not even realize that they need boundaries
or there are boundaries that are missing?
Why is this not taught in school?
I don't know why it's not taught in school
but I'm not gonna cover that.
That's just a hypothetical question.
Basically, the reason why people lack boundaries
or why they drop their boundaries is because
they need validation or they're looking for validation.
What I mean by validation is constantly seeking
love and affection, also known as being
highly, highly needy, which by the way,
neediness is a very unattractive quality.
People hate it.
So these people who need validation in order to
get that validation or in order to get what they
perceive is love, they remove their boundaries
or they don't have good boundaries to begin with.
On the other side of that, people who blame others
for their own emotions, their thoughts, their feelings
and their behavior do it because they believe
that if they do, if they play the victim,
then somebody will ultimately come to save them
and they'll get the love and validation that they need.
People who accept blame and accept responsibility
for thoughts, feelings and emotions that are not theirs
do it because they believe that if they go and they save
someone else or they take responsibility
for someone else's feelings and behaviors and emotions,
that they'll get love and appreciation
and all of those things in return.
So what I just described is the narcissist
and the codependent.
They're the two opposite sides of the spectrum
and it also explained why these two types of people
are attracted to one another.
They're like opposite polar ends of the same spectrum
and the symbiosis between the two types of people
fit each other perfectly.
Mind you, it's not healthy, it's not emotionally healthy
but in that situation, it does work.
Now, if you struggle with boundaries
and you happen to be watching this video,
I'm gonna bet that you're likely the person
who's usually accepting blame and responsibility
for emotions that are not yours.
In doing that, it's a negative feedback loop.
It's vicious and it keeps both you and the other person
or the other people stuck in your own emotional hell.
But the way to start getting out of this cycle
and to create good self esteem in yourself and create
good emotional health is to start setting some new
boundaries and expectations
and I know that this might be scary because you
might have had parents who were either narcissistic
or co-dependent or you may have grown up to believe
or taught to believe that the way to get love from others
is to do things for them, but it's not exactly
working for you, is it?
So, let's set some boundaries.
So the thing about setting boundaries
is that when you do it, you have to be very clear
and very firm.
You don't dance around it.
Like setting a boundary is actually a very serious thing
and the other person or the other people
need to understand that.
When setting a boundary, it is so important to use
your power voice and to do it right
exactly when it's necessary.
Don't wait a day or a week to bring up the subject.
Do it right then and there when it's absolutely necessary.
It's no different really from training a dog.
I have a dog, Sammy.
Sammy, say hi.
Sammy, say hi!
Hello!
And when he does something naughty,
he gets reprimanded straight away.
If something happens where he's not exactly
caught in the act but he's caught afterwards
and you try to reprimand him or we try to reprimand him,
he doesn't always understand what's going on
and it's the same way with people.
For example, if someone blames you for their feelings
or for making them feel a certain way
or projecting their own anger at you,
you need to go ahead and remind them right then and there,
on the spot, that they are or he or she is responsible
of their own thoughts and feelings.
It doesn't need to be something that's open for discussion.
It needs to be very direct and very firm.
Speaking clearly and firmly means doing it with confidence,
looking them straight in the eye, being dead serious,
no joking around meaning that it's very clear
that this isn't a joke.
You are responsible for your own emotions,
not me, nor anyone else.
It's not being like, "Oh, well, this is kinda awkward,
"but that made me feel really uncomfortable."
Let em know and you're kinda looking around
and not being comfortable saying what you're saying.
People respect people who command respect
meaning that you say it and you mean it
and you keep eye contact
and you make the other person squirm a little bit.
And here's the thing, when you draw a boundary
and somebody crosses it, there must be consequences,
the same thing on the spot.
What I mean by consequences is making it very clear
to the other person that there are repercussions
that happen when a boundary is crossed.
If someone continues to blame you for their feelings,
for the things going on in their life,
the consequence to that has to be something
along the lines of ending the conversation or leaving
and if the person continues to behave this way,
actually taking steps to end the relationship with them.
Remember that you are not responsible
for another person's reaction to the boundaries
that you set.
That's their demon.
Your responsibility lies in communicating
your boundary firmly and directly because the truth is,
you can say what you say in the nicest way possible
and there still will be people who respond irrationally
but when they do, just understand that it's
really their problem because some people,
especially people who are used to controlling,
manipulating or abusing, they're gonna shit test you.
They wanna see how you'll respond
when they try to cross a boundary.
When they do this, stay firm.
Remember that their must be consequences.
You cannot establish a boundary if you can't
honor the consequences.
It's like threatening to punish a child
for doing something and when they do the thing
that they're supposed to be punished for,
they get off scott free.
Doesn't work, it doesn't teach them anything.
At first, this is gonna feel a little bit weird.
Even if it feels weird, do it anyway
and remind yourself that you have the right
to respect yourself.
You have the right to boundaries.
Learning to set boundaries does take time,
especially if you're not used to it,
especially if it's new for you,
but boundaries are truly the antidote
and the kryptonite to toxic people
because when you set boundaries,
the people who wanna manipulate,
who want to abuse you and who wanna control you will stop.
They'll learn to respect you even if that respect
comes in the form of them avoiding you altogether.
When you start establishing boundaries,
you'll start to notice a difference
in your own self esteem as well as your confidence,
emotional stability, and as a result of that,
your feelings of anger and resentment
are gonna start to dissipate.
Over time, your standards start to come up
and you'll notice that people who are emotionally healthy
and have good self esteem will start to appear in your life.
Those that don't will disappear.
That, my friends, is what makes all of this worth it.
The best benefit to this is that by setting
personal boundaries and upholding them,
you tell your subconscious mind that I control my reality
and like I just said a few minutes ago,
this isn't something that' I've always personally
had a handle on.
I used to go through all the motions
that I just described.
I used to feel guilty for other people's emotions
and it really wrecked my self esteem for a number of years,
for a long, long time.
So, learning this, I know it'll change your life
because it changed mine.
Don't worry if this is new for you.
It's still relatively new for me too,
but now, I can share what I've learned with you.
And I hope that it makes a big difference
in your life as well.
So that's it.
That's how you keep the narcissist in your life at bay.
I hope that you like this video.
If you did like this video, give it a thumbs up
here on YouTube.
It really helps me out a lot.
And of course, if you haven't already,
hit that subscribe button below.
I know you want to.
Have a wonderful day.
Let me know in the comments what this does for you,
what it does for the relationships in your life
and I will see ya next time.
Buh bye. (upbeat music)
For more infomation >> Top 10 Bài Hát Tiếng Anh Tik Tok gây nghiện ngay từ nốt nhạc đầu tiên ❤️ Music you for mix - Duration: 35:15. 
For more infomation >> Ne-Yo - Go On Girl (Audio) Lyrics - Duration: 4:14. 
For more infomation >> Resident Evil 2 Review | It's Bloody Brilliant | DRBC Approved - Duration: 12:13. 
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét