Hello beautiful hearts
Today we're talking about narcissistic mothers and for evil things that they teach their children
I'm a firm believer that every mother is a good example
Yep, you heard me right every mother is a good example as to what to be what to imitate?
while others are a good example a great example of
what not to be and what never to imitate and that's what we're going to talk about today because
Narcissistic mothers are the perfect example of what you never want to be
Not only are we going to talk about the four evil things that narcissistic mothers teach their children
But at the end of the video we're also going to talk about some tools some ways to overcome
What has been ingrained and hardwired into us so the four evil things that narcissistic mothers teach are disdain
disgust
contempt and
envy
Now the first three disdain disgust and contempt
They're very similar, and we'll talk about how they're different later on but the one thing that they do have in common is
that they leave a child with a very deep-rooted sense of
self-loathing
There's an expression
Oh that that child has a face only a mother can love in other words if no one else in the world
Likes us, or loves us or finds good in us
It's common belief that our
Parents will always be there for us our parents will love us our parents have our back
That's just a given right and that's the way children see it, too. You know they look at their life, and they're like okay?
I have a roof over my head. I have food. I'm fed. I'm clothed
There's a set of rules in my house because my parents care about me parents that give rules
It's because of love so I am loved, but then why the heck do I feel so much hate towards myself
It's a very confusing
Time in a child's life because the parent if you question your parent like you know I don't feel like you love me
They will make you the narcissistic parent will make you feel
Foolish for even suggesting such a thought they'll make you feel shame for even
contemplating such a reality
They'll point out all these other things that prove love and what the child doesn't realize because they're children
And they they're not meant to have to deal with such
emotionally difficult situations
What they don't realize is with all the things that the narcissistic parent?
Points out as evidence of love the one thing that's lacking is
their emotional needs
the child is suffering emotional starvation and
It's not even validated by the parent
So they have all of this confusion as to okay
We'll look at my mom says I have this and that and she she says it's ridiculous for me to doubt their
Love why do I feel so bad
I'm going to tell you right now. Why?
Why and how that narcissistic parent was able to?
Instill that self-loathing inside a
narcissistic parent provides their children with a daily consistent flow of
emotional projection
the narcissist feels contempt inside the narcissist feels disgust with themselves and
So they project it onto their children
But children don't know what projection is children. Don't know that when the narcissus is projecting disdain
It's because they're feeling that inside. They automatically soak up those negative emotions thinking it's because of them
they don't have the emotional capacity to understand what emotional projection is and
What makes it even more confusing is the narcissistic parent won't use the word disgust?
Disdain or contempt. They won't use the word hate so they covertly
Imply it in the way that they raise their children for example
They'll say something like you know how could you possibly have done such an awful thing?
What kind of person would do such a bad thing?
so
They're just asking a question
but that question has an implication the implication is that you are an awful person for doing whatever you did and
When you compare it to the supposed crime that was done
the degree of
Anger that the narcissistic parent showers on their child is overwhelming
Another way that
They'll do this
And this was done in my case this was I was told this I don't even know how many times
From the earliest age I can remember
My mom's favorite saying was you know Michelle I?
Love you
Because you're my daughter, but I don't like you as a person
Talk about
Damaging a child and and creating self-loathing in other words
What a child hears is you love me because you have to
That was born into this family you feel an obligation to but if you have the choice
You don't like me and you would want nothing to do with me because there's something wrong with me
That's what narcissistic parents teach their kids when they imply things with their questions with their
accusations and so they use this reoccurring
superiority and
matter-of-factness to make their kids
hate themselves for example
How could you be so stupid?
Don't you have a brain don't you ever think or?
If it's from a divided family something that they'll do to really just grind their children is you're just like your father
Or you're just like your mother the other parent who they hold in contempt
So what does the child do but they absorb that contempt and think that it's their fault?
They think they have failed. There is something inherently
Wrong with them that they're not their parent
Cannot find good in them
for anyone that has gone through that for anyone that is going through that right now or
adult children of narcissistic parents those emotions of contempt disdain
disgust
They were not a part of your core identity
They were not a part of who you were
They were planted in you it's like if you have a garden
And you know what's planted in your garden and somebody comes along and plants different things in your garden
While all the seeds are underneath the ground you don't even know they're there, but they are still part of your garden even though
They're not supposed to be that's what happened to you. That's what happened to me things were planted in us
that
grew
Took root and became a part of us
Okay, but they really weren't supposed to be there and we did not deserve
That kind of treatment it was wrong it had nothing to do with us
The fourth evil think that a parent a narcissistic mother plants in their child is envy
Now there's two kinds of envy
okay, there's the envy that the parent feels where they feel in competition with their child and
that was something I faced and
It was the strangest thing it was as if everything
I wanted to do everything I liked became what my mother liked if I wanted to learn
This career all of a sudden. She was doing it if I wanted to do this all of a sudden
She was doing it. It was the strangest thing if I was going to get married. She was racing me to the altar
Okay, there's that kind of Envy, but I want to talk about a different kind of Envy
I want to talk about an
Envy that gets created from the
You're really young because the first kind of envy that happened when I hit my teen years and in my early 20s
but
when you're younger your parent creates an Envy in you by comparing you to other kids and
Always seeming to feel like she lost out for example a narcissistic mother will say wow
So and so's daughter does this and does that for them. They are so lucky. I mean, what an
Amazing daughter. She has she is just oh my goodness and blah blah blah
Raising that child up
Never once saying anything bad about you, but it's what's implied
What's implied is that her life is?
Less than other people's life, and it's your fault
That's a really big burden to throw on a child and
That kind of envy parents do from the time children are toddlers
And then if it's the same sex child like a mother and a daughter
as
Soon as that daughter starts hitting her teen years and people begin to notice her
Then she's hit with the other kind of Envy as well, so
What an awful awful way?
To imply to a child because what happens is you begin?
What's implied is that you are an utter failure?
Your mother is unhappy
Because she had you as a daughter if she had had so-and-so as a daughter. She would have been happy, but because she has you
Her life is bad. You are a failure
That is the fourth evil thing that narcissistic mothers
Pass on to their children and the toxic shame that they are instilling in you
It really becomes hardwired into your system
Because in between these moments of envy these moments of throwing contempt or projecting contempt disgust disdain
onto you
They have their moments of
Inconsistent normality and so by giving you those
toxic emotions and then
Interchanging it with normality
She doesn't have to say that you're a failure. She doesn't have to say I hate you
You are disgusting. You are an awful kid. She doesn't have to say it
because by her behavior
You arrive at that conclusion on your own and that's why it becomes such a part of your personality
Because because of the fact that you are reaching this conclusion and so
toxic shame winds up being hardwired into your system and
once that happens you are
trapped in the narcissist web of
Thinking that if you can only be enough if you can only be good enough
Then mom will be happy
And now I want to get into what you can do if if any of this resonates with you
And you feel like oh my god. Did we have the same parent that's exactly what happened to me
I want to start talking about what you can do to
Release that toxic shame so that you can get in touch with your core persona
The person you were supposed to be had you been
born into a family that was healthy and
Yes, it is possible
It is possible to undo the damage that a narcissistic mother inflicted on you
It takes time it takes a little bit of work it takes effort it takes
compassion self compassion self love
But it can be done and believe me life is worth living without all of that toxic shame
So let's talk about a few things that you can do to begin your road of healing the first thing is
To recognize that you are and always have been
enough
Their mother's misery her disdain her Envy they had
nothing to do with you and
Everything to do with her
that's a truth that that has to come about that you have to come to grips with and
the next thing you have to
begin doing is starting to
differentiate
Who you are?
from
Who the Darce assist wants you to think you are because what happens is when you've been told such negativity for so long
This is you right this is you and this is how the narcissist says you are
Somewhere along the way you left who you were and you joined the side of
What the narcissist said you were and you began to?
Look at you
The same way and with the same eyes and with the same disdain disgust contempt as the narcissist looked at you
Okay, they say that what your parents tell you as a child. What's repeated over and over becomes your inner voice as an adult
so you need to begin to
weed through
How you really are from how the narcissists taught you to view yourself which was wrong
One of the ways to do that is to first pay attention to your thoughts pay attention to your inner critic
What are the things you tell yourself on a daily basis?
You need to get in touch with your root beliefs because if you don't know what your root beliefs are
They'll
Continue to control your life. Okay. Just to give you an example one of my root beliefs that were taught to me
Was that I was not lovable I was an unlovable kid
Okay, that became a belief that I had in me I was born into this world with a broken arm
That my mother ever knew I had how do you have a child and not realize that her arm was broken?
My mother would tell me
That I like to be in the crib that she would leave me alone for hours
Because I didn't like love I didn't like to be helped. Well. I had a freaking broken arm
Okay, but we don't talk it. You know she never brings that up on
top of that
From the time. I was in elementary school. I'm talking six seven eight years old
I was told stories about nightmares that she had about how evil I was and
That you know she had to do away with me because there was something inherently bad within me
Yeah
anyway
This isn't a sob story my point is is that that was a very strong belief in me. I was not lovable I
didn't know that that was a belief in me that was planted in me so I had to go through my garden my thoughts and
Realize that any time I was telling myself. I was not lovable
No one would ever love me
It was because of what I was told as a child then I had to put that belief to
Test well is that true I mean you're awful. You're so unlovable. What's so unlovable about you. What's so evil about you
Well, I couldn't really think of anything that made me evil imperfect. Yes, but evil no I couldn't really think of anything so I
deconstructed that belief and
I combined it with finding good and myself on a daily basis every single day before I go to sleep
What were three things that I liked that I did?
They could be little things you know I was kind to this person. I handled this good
I like the fact that I'm like this I began to find and point out to myself the positive things that I liked in myself
for so long we
only viewed in ourselves what our parents pointed out which was always negative and
So we began to do the same things to our self always point out our negative well
I put a stop to that you have to put a stop to that and start on a daily basis focusing on the good
That's there overturning those negative beliefs as
children we had no idea how to cope with what was going on we had no idea how to
deal with with the things that came at us because of having a narcissistic parent, but now we're adults if
We do nothing if we don't do anything
We're actually making a choice if we think we're not making a choice
We aren't we're making a choice
To do nothing and to stay in it and to stay in a victim stage and to stay in a negative
frame of mind with a negative
shame-based core identity
Don't make that choice life is
So much better when you realize your worth when you develop self-love self compassion
Self-respect because that's the real you
Unfortunately we couldn't choose our parents
Unfortunately we got what we got
But we can choose how we treat ourselves now and we can overcome
The toxic shame that narcissistic parents instilled within us
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