Hi there this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience.
Now in this episode we're going to be talking about the subject of how to show somebody
that you've changed.
I tend to work a lot with people who are going through breakups, who want to save their relationship
with their partner, and this is not exclusively what I do.
I also help people with dating and, overall relationship preparedness and how to make
a successful relationship work.
But still there are a significant number of people that want help with getting back together
or saving a relationship.
And one of the main things that they want to know how to do is to how to show their
partner that they have changed, that they're not the same person that they broke up with
or that they're not the same person that they are having all of these relationship problems
with.
When it comes to this, the first thing you need to understand is that yes, in order to
show somebody that you've changed, you must actually have changed.
Okay?
And I'm not talking about something like, oh, I got a new haircut, or I got a new outfit,
or something trivial like that.
I mean, unless the reason for your relationship issues was something trivial like that, then
yeah, maybe that's something to deal with.
Although in my experience, when you have a relationship issue that revolves around something
trivial like that, it's really just an expression of something deeper going on beneath the surface
that maybe you're not really very present to.
If you do want to show your ex or your partner that you have changed, then you need to actually
have changed and this is going to mean that you're going to have to change the way that
you bring yourself to your interactions with them.
Bring yourself to your interactions with the world.
Bring yourself to your life as a whole.
And oftentimes, if people are asking me how they can show someone that they've changed,
it generally means that they haven't actually changed in a real way.
Because if you have changed in a real tangible sort of way, then you'll just automatically
be bringing yourself to your life to what's important to you, to your partner in a completely
different way.
It'll just be like night and day.
It'll be as if you're a completely different person with a completely new operating system,
driving your decisions, your actions, and your behaviors.
If you have to convince somebody of this, then it means that you're one not interacting
with them or number two, not able to actually have a change that is able to be conveyed
to that person, in which case you probably have not made a significant change.
Okay, so you're going to have to dig deep and look at why you are having relationship
issues in the first place.
Is it have something to do with a lack of trust that something to do with betrayal of
some sort?
Does it have something to do with maybe the way you're bringing yourself to the interaction?
You know you're not sticking up for yourself, you're not speaking your mind, your, your
acquiescing to the other person or something along those lines.
If so, then that would be a great place to start, you know, how could you be more assertive,
how could you be more vulnerable and transparent with your emotions?
How could you, uh, do any of these other things, right?
So you want to look specifically at what isn't working and then you want to actually make
a real change to make that happen.
And again, this is not just a matter of putting some sort of lipstick on a pig and hoping
that nobody realizes that it's a pig.
You know, you want to actually have a real sustainable, tangible, understandable, observable
change in your behavior.
Okay?
If you can do this, then it will be pretty obvious to the other person that you have
changed.
Now, with all that being said, you may interact with the other person and they may be suspicious
of your changes.
They might not really trust that you actually have changed.
And there's good reason for this.
You know, if you were one way and there was a lot of issues and then suddenly you're this
other way, it's, it's understandable.
They might think that you're putting on an act or you're doing some sort of gimmick or
something like that to try to convince them to stay with you or something along those
lines and that skepticism is natural and it's healthy and it's something that you're going
to most likely run across and what you need to understand is that this is really a matter
of trust.
They don't trust that you are this person, that you're bringing yourself to the interaction.
They're not trusting that you really have become assertive.
You really have become more open and transparent with how you feel that you really have become
more passionate about life, that you really have become more serious about your career
or your health or whatever it is.
I don't know.
They're going to be suspicious of this.
They're going to be skeptical of it.
That's because there is no trust in your way of being just yet, so how exactly do you get
them to trust you?
How exactly do you get them to see you as a changed person?
And the answer to that is that you have to understand that trust is not something that
you can just flip on and off, like a light switch.
It's not like you can just say the right things and suddenly somebody's going to trust you.
Trust is something that happens over a period of time.
It happens through consistency of behavior and it's going to be different for each person,
you know, depending on their personal issues in the past, their own psychology and all
of that stuff.
Each person is going to trust at a different pace and at a different rate.
So it might be easier to convince somebody that maybe you have changed than it is for
somebody else due to that person's a maybe higher or lower ability to trust in a, in
a general sense, it will take some consistency.
And this is good.
This is actually very good that it takes consistency for them to put trust in you, that you actually
have changed because this means that they are a really scanning you and trying to vet
you to make sure that this is an actual real change in your behavior.
Because if they were to just trust you blindly, you know, they could just trust anyone blind
doing and they could be easily taken advantage of or taken for a ride in some way or other,
and I don't think that you want to be in a relationship with somebody who is very gullible,
so to speak, so it's, it's good that they have this skepticism and you are going to
have to deal with that as you really show them that you actually have changed on a fundamental,
deep and meaningful level.
Okay, so again, when it does come to showing your acts are showing your partner that you
have made a, a real change.
Number one, you have to actually change.
This is not about you, no mind games, just sort of like sending out a magic text message
that somehow makes up for years of neglect or anything like that.
This is about real change.
A second of all, this has to be a meaningful change.
You know, you can't just get a haircut or change your facebook profile photo or something
and think that that is going to be change enough.
That's going to really inspire somebody to be like, yeah, you know, that's that.
That makes sense.
I want to be in a relationship with no, it has to be a meaningful change.
Something that is meaningful, something that ideally will directly deal with one of the
issues that you had in your relationship.
So if it was an issue of let's just say a trust, you know, you might practice being
more transparent, vulnerable with your actions and what's going on in your mind.
Right?
The third thing is you absolutely want to have a consistency with your way of being
because people are going to naturally be skeptical about any change.
They are going to think that maybe it's a gimmick, maybe you're just a, you know, doing
this because things got really bad or something like that and you want to really show them
that they are not walking back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the
first place.
And the way to do that is through consistency, through really showing them that things are
completely different and that things are not going to be the same moving forward.
So that is how you really show somebody that you have changed.
With that being said, let's go over and go through our questions for this week's Q and
A session.
Our first question is from of Onomatopeia.
Onomatopeia writes in and says, my ex boyfriend and I broke up more than six weeks ago.
He had no contact since the breakup.
Up until five weeks.
He came to an event knowing that I would be there.
He said, so himself.
We were comfortable with each other that night.
It felt like we were back together again.
However, a few days after he started pulling away, I would initiate contact with him and
he would reply for a bit, but will eventually stop replying.
Since that event, we have met twice.
I asked him out for coffee and the other one I asked him to come by and I told him I wanted
to leave the past behind and wipe the slate clean.
Both events.
We agreed and came to meet up with me.
He said he wants space mainly because of work.
He has a new job now and is very demanding and another because he is exhausted with being
in a relationship right now.
Right now.
I message him every few days.
Most of the time he would reply initially but would stop after a bit.
I asked him if we could catch up from time to time and he agreed.
I'm planning to ask him out for some ice cream this week.
He says we will still hang out as friends and sometimes with our common friends too.
I feel like he was going back and forth between test drive and riding a dragon.
Do you agree with this assessment?
The main thing I want to know is how do I give him space, but also build strong emotional
connection with him at the same time, how do I get him to let his guard down and not
pull away so we could have that emotional connection between us again?
Okay, so it sounds like you're able to interact with him via text message, but he stops replying
after awhile and without actually knowing what you're texting him or what those interactions
are like.
There's a lot of unknowns in this particular instance, so it could be that maybe you're
just texting him boring things that don't really seem to require a response or really
don't seem to engage them on an emotional level and so maybe he just stops replying
because the he just doesn't see a point to it, you know, if it's just things like, hey,
how are you?
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm good.
I'm good to what's new with you today?
Not much.
How about you?
Nothing.
It's the same old day.
That's not really a compelling text conversation and that's not really something that's going
to inspire somebody to want to continue to respond and keep the interaction going so
you might want to look at what you're sending him.
That is definitely something that could be going on there.
Another thing that that might be going on is that he might sense a hidden agenda, in
which case it could cause him to be suspicious of your intentions of your motives.
We did an episode on this last week, so definitely go ahead and check out last week's relationship
inner game experience, episode number 22 on the topic of hidden agendas, ulterior motives,
covert contracts and all that such, but that is definitely something that could be weighing
on his mind.
It does sound like the two of you had a strong interaction at this event, a party of some
sort, and it does sound like the two of you have been meeting up in person, so I would
definitely try to go for as many face to face encounters as possible because it's definitely
easier to have an emotional connection with somebody face to face than over text message
as you are discovering, so please go ahead and keep that factored in when it comes to
things moving forward.
Okay.
Please don't prioritize the texting.
The texting is not the most important way to create emotional connection.
There's actually the worst way to create an emotional connection.
A, you'd be better off picking up the phone and calling him or meeting up in person.
Texting is best used when communicating details of meetups, like, Hey, do you have the address
for that place we were supposed to meet up at?
Oh yeah, here it is.
Oh by the way, I'm running five minutes late.
Get a table for me or something like that.
You know, that's really the kind of stuff that you should be using for text messaging.
You could use it as a window to a more deeper conversation.
Like, Hey do you have a moment to talk?
I'd like to catch up with you on [da da da] or something like that, but I wouldn't really
keep your text messaging primarily as your means of communication with him.
Okay.
I would like to see you escalate that to a phone call or in person meeting or something
like that because that is where the real emotional connection happens.
So when it comes to your question about how to keep an emotional connection, will giving
him space at the same time, just checking with him, see where he's at on an emotional
level.
If he is exhausted from relationships, if he does have this demanding job, you know,
he'll let you know.
If you say, if you say, you know, how is your day to day?
And he says, oh, it was really exhausting.
Then say, hey, you need some time to recharge.
If so I'll give you some space.
and then you just let him have some space then.
Right.
But you have to feel into the moment to know where he's at.
Sometimes he'll want to talk to you.
Sometimes I want to connect with you.
Sometimes you won't.
Sometimes he'll want space for himself and you have to be okay with this.
Okay.
But in order to know when he wants to connect and when he doesn't want to connect, you have
to be able to feel into the moment.
You have to be able to feel into the moment and know when is the right time to connect
and when is the right time to not connect.
And Yeah, you're going to have to test the water sometimes.
Okay.
In terms of whether he's at riding a dragon or test drive stage or whatever, I think he's
probably at riding a dragon.
I'd have to actually see some of your text exchanges to know for sure because there is
a whole lot of mystery in that, so I don't know, but anyway, on Onomatopeia, I hope this
helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.
Our next question is from Danny.
Danny writes in and says, hi clay.
I posted a couple of weeks ago about this when I first heard from my ex and really appreciate
the advice to recap.
My Ex recently responded to me after seven months of silence.
She had supposedly broken up to me due to recovery from a major illness.
Her explanation for the lack of context since that shortly after the breakup is that she
met somebody.
They are still together.
She said that she wasn't sure how to tell me and had been avoiding it.
I sent back a response that was forgiving and understanding and said I would still like
to meet up.
We are trying to schedule that sometime at the end of the month.
Here's the thing, I feel like I'm now going through the breakup all over again because
I am just now finding out about this other person.
Well, I'm grateful.
I finally know what happened.
I alternate between feeling empathy for everything that she's been through and just being pissed
and how she handled all of this and wanting answers.
I've pieced enough together to know that she has likely met this person when we were still
together.
I'm working very hard on present moment awareness, acceptance and empathy with this person.
About 90 percent of the time I feel very zen like about this whole thing and then we'll
suddenly feel angry and like I never want to speak to her again.
I know that when we are together, I'm not supposed to bring up their relationship, but
the fact that she has been dating someone new since we broke up, that she has been avoiding
my attempts at contact and lying about why she broke up.
It feels like the elephant in the room.
I'm not sure what we can talk about since this is the main thing between us now.
It feels like a form of collapse to not mention the breakup and her behavior.
Also, I'm concerned about getting overly emotional if this comes up.
I thought about postponing coffee to get more time to process, but I don't want to look
like I'm being avoidant.
Should I postpone?
Should I avoid all mention of the breakup when we do get together and how should I respond
if she brings it up, which I feel she certainly will.
Thanks for your help, Danny.
Okay, Danny.
So the first thing is your first question here is, should you postpone the meetup?
Well, if you are not emotionally ready to meet up with your ex for any number of reasons,
whether it's related to their rebound, whether it's related to anything else, you don't have
to write.
If you're emotionally unprepared for it, then you probably should postpone after all.
If you are unable to create a positive interaction, brings the two of you closer together, you're
probably going to create an interaction that drives the two of you further apart.
And if interacting with you feels bad on an emotional level and drives the two of you
further apart, interacting with your ex is a bad idea because the more you interact with
them, the further apart they are going to get from you.
Okay?
And that's definitely not something that you want to do.
So don't think that just because you got her to meet up with you, that you should absolutely
do it right.
Just because you get a date with somebody doesn't mean that you should absolutely follow
through with it.
If going on that date is going to feel bad on an emotional level, you're not ready for
it and it's going to drive the two of you further apart.
You're better off just not going on the date and maybe trying to reschedule it or see if
they'd be open to meeting up with you at some point in the future when you actually are
emotionally prepared to deal with that event.
Okay.
Your next question is, should I avoid all mention of the breakup when we get together
and how should I respond?
If she brings up, which I certainly think that she will.
Okay, so you have to look at this in a couple different ways.
First of all, you have to accept that your ex is the kind of person that did all of these
things.
You know, you have to accept that, that she didn't tell you the truth about why the two
of you broke up, that she was probably seeing this person on the two of you were together,
that she, she's been avoiding your attempts at contacting her.
because of this issue, you have to accept that that is the kind of person that she is.
And then you have to ask yourself, is that the kind of person that you want to be in
a relationship with?
You know, I'm not just for everybody getting back together with their eggs.
That's the last thing that I want.
There's countless people that are better off without being in a relationship with your
ex.
You know, the point is not just to be in a relationship or be in a relationship with
your ex.
The point is to be in a relationship that is actually good for you and if being in a
relationship with somebody who lies to you about why they broke up with you, who is avoiding
contact with you or was avoiding contact with you because of this whole situation.
If that is something that is not acceptable to you, then you probably shouldn't be dating
this person.
You probably shouldn't be striving to be in a relationship with this person, but above
everything else, you have to accept that this is the kind of person that she is.
She is the kind of person that you know.
If things get difficult in your relationship, she will date somebody else and then break
up with you not the other way around.
If things get difficult and she starts dating somebody else, she will lie to you about it.
She will avoid interacting with you.
You're just have to accept that that is the kind of person that she is.
Is that the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with?
I can't answer that for you.
You have to answer that for yourself, but if you don't want to be in a relationship
with that kind of person, then you have to accept that, hey, how I found her is how she
was likely state, she is likely to continue this behavior moving forward.
This is is behavior that is likely not going to change.
With that being said, you have to decide, is this the kind of person that you want to
be in a relationship with?
Is this not the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with?
Okay, and you know if for some reason you decide that this is totally okay behavior
and this is something that you want to continue with and you do decide to meet up with her,
you have to look at what is.
What is your goal in meeting up with her?
Is it to create a positive interaction?
Brings the two of you closer together so that you can become in a relationship again?
If so, then you should base your decision about whether or not to talk about her cheating
on you, her lying about it, and all that stuff.
During the time that you're together, is it going to feel good on an emotional level to
talk about that?
Is it going to feel good on an emotional level to have that conversation?
If so, then go ahead and bring it up.
If not, then maybe that's not something that you go out of your way to bring up.
Okay.
If your goal is to, you know, get her in a Gotcha moment and feel, you know, righteous
and powerful and all of that, which you know, nothing wrong with that.
It's just got to be real about what your intentions are.
If that is your goal, then yeah, go ahead and bring it up.
Go ahead and bring it up and tell her, hey, you know, I found out you're allying.
I found out you were cheating.
I don't appreciate that.
I want to like talk about this and understand this and stuff.
Then you know, sure, go ahead and bring that up then.
That probably is a great reason to bring that up, but you have to know what your intention
is.
Your intention to get back together is your intention to, you know, get her in a gotcha
moment.
Like what?
What's going on here?
Okay.
And if she brings it up, then yeah, be willing to talk about it.
If you're not able to talk about it on an emotional level, then maybe you shouldn't
be on the date.
Okay.
So I hope this helps you out, Danny, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward
from here.
The next question is from faithful in love.
Faithful in love writes.
Hello Clay.
First of all, thank you for this amazing program.
It helps a lot.
My ex and I are from different countries.
He broke up about a year ago, only a few months after proposing to me since I've joined esp,
I finally managed to get out of damage control mode.
He has been in a rebound relationship which fell apart lately, lived with her for a few
months.
They were together when we were together.
We texted in every free minute by using the skills that I learned here.
I go through this wall of reactants to riding the dragon stage.
I suppose I'm trying to accept things how they are, but of course want to move forward
from here and don't know how since he and his rebound partner are broken up, we are
back to texting daily and our texts are only positive, were joking a lot and talk about
his dreams.
He always seemed to be relationship focused.
Person at the moment seems to just focus on his own goals and surely has a lot to process
at the moment after moving out from his parents than having to move back in.
He is an anxious person, does not want to talk on the phone, so I don't really have
much of a chance to interact with him.
Apart from text messaging, none of us brings up the relationship in our conversations.
He often takes hours to reply.
That makes having a real conversation difficult.
I feel like texting back straight away, always the way it used to be when I'm taking long
to reply.
I feel like playing mind games, but I feel like being available always could put pressure
on him to get his walls.
Backup.
Is Mirroring his texting frequency a good approach.
We want to meet in about two months to go to an event together.
We live so far apart.
It has a lot of pressure on me to make this meetup perfect.
I see it as a great opportunity that I have some weeks left until I get to see him again.
I would love to know how to use this time as the best way possible to be prepared and
to feel less anxious and attached.
What can I do to feel less pressured?
Best wishes.
Mika and the MLA team.
Okay, so when it comes to your first question, which is about mirroring, this can be kind
of tricky because it kind of borders on a gray area that's getting kind of dangerously
close to mind.
Games, you know, it's like saying, oh well it took him four hours to text me back, so
even though I'm like just blobbing around the house right now and have nothing better
to do, I'm going to wait for hours to text him back so that I don't see more invested
than him, even though I really am like super uninvested.
Right.
That's kind of what this whole mirroring thing is about, but if you really look at what's
going on beneath the surface, it's not just a matter of, well, like, do I wait for hours
or do I not wait four hours?
The real thing beneath the surface is why are you over invested in this interaction?
Okay.
What I would do is I would look at this overinvestment that, that you have at least relative to him.
And I would look at that and I would say, okay, well why does it matter how often I
texted him or, or, or how quickly I texted him back?
Why is this something that I'm choosing to focus on?
Is it because that I want him to text me back within, I don't know, 15 minutes, 30 minutes
or something, but I was taking him, you know, a couple of hours and I'm choosing to keep
score over that.
And so I want to know if I should level the score by texting him more slowly or something
along those lines.
Like what exactly is going on here?
And then I want you to kind of peel back that layer and address what's going on beneath
the surface.
If it is a score keeping kind of thing, then go check out our relationship inner game episode
on keeping score, which we did a couple of weeks ago when it comes to your potential
future.
Meet up with him in two months.
The best thing that I can do to help you feel less anxious and attached is to really practice
the advanced relational skills I really work on, doing what you can do to detach yourself
from outcome, to be okay with things happening, either the way that you want them to or not
the way that you want them to.
And just be able to be okay with things as they are.
I know it's easier said than done, but the more you can put yourself in situations where
you have the ability to practice acceptance, to practice being okay with things the way
they are, that is a great a way to go about doing that.
You know, I have a coaching client who wanted to work on his ability to really connect with
people on an emotional level and to do all that stuff.
And so what he did was he started hosting couch surfers in his home and that's actually
a really interesting way that you could go about doing that and that's something that,
you know, if it makes sense for you, that might be something that you could do as well
too, because you know, you can let go of a preconceived idea about what this person is
going to be like, what this person's going to be interested in, what this person is going
to have as their life experiences, with this person is going to be like on a conversational
level and all of that.
And you can just simply practice taking them in as they are.
And that's a great exercise to go about when it comes to all of this stuff.
Okay.
Overall, what I would also encourage you to do is to look at this whole long distance
relationship thing.
I know that long distance relationships are much more difficult than personal relationships.
So please go ahead and check out our long distance relationship episode as well that
we did I think maybe like, I don't know, one or two weeks ago, and definitely check that
out as well too, because that gives you some advice on long distance relationships too.
So faithful and love.
I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward
from here.
All right.
Our next question is from Mike.
Mike writes in and says, hi, clay, friday C texted me after not responding to my text
and phone calls from Thursday evening.
She said that she has been traveling a lot for work and it was really busy.
I didn't respond because I was in the mountains and had no call service.
That's an okay time to actually not respond right away is when you don't have cell service
because you're actually out in the world doing things.
I got them all later Friday night.
One of the texts I received, she said that she had heard a song and wanted me to hear
it.
I listened to the song called no regrets by forest son a good song, but if you listen
to the lyrics, it's a song about saying goodbye.
I did not respond because it upset me and I wanted to be composed when I did Saturday,
which is today when he submitted this question, I got a text addressing my lack of response
that wasn't like me and then telling me that it's not a good idea to maintain contact and
she wants us to be happy and to move on.
Then did not come from a place of emotion.
I believe that she was level headed.
I told her that I heard her and I know that it's been hard for us, but I did not want
to lose her completely.
If anything, I wanted a friendship she responded with, it's not healthy for either of us.
I want to move on and I want you to be happy to.
I know I'm not saying what you want to hear, but I hope you can respect this and move forward.
I responded with, I feel sad.
I was hoping to let things happen organically instead of forcing it one way or the other.
I do hear and respect what you're saying and she said, I think we are on very different
pages.
I just want to be honest and for you to find happiness, so question.
If she is saying quite literally that she wants me to move on and she is going to do
the same, how is that overcome?
What direction do I take to show her that I'm a different person?
If she is wanting to cut contact completely, how in this situation do I show her that I
accept her request yet still meet my needs to try to re-establish a connection.
It seems the longer the time goes on, the worse things get for us.
Even though I'm doing everything.
The ex solution program teaches me to do update on my birthday, which was Sunday, she called
and left me a voicemail.
She said that she felt like, let's just say crap for sending me texts, but she hopes that
I can understand where she's coming from and that I could call that night if I wanted to.
I texted her back and said, thanks for the voice mail, I'm sorry that you're sick and
I hope that you feel better soon.
I did not call and she did not text back.
Okay.
So you have to accept that the person that you are wanting to be in a relationship with,
in this case, your ex, which we're going by the letter C here, you have to accept that
C is somebody who has told you that she does not want to be in a relationship with you,
that she wants to stop being in contact with each other and all of that.
Okay.
You have to accept that and then you have to look at that situation and say, okay, was
this coming from an emotional place or is this coming from a, just, hey, this is like
really what I actually want kind of place.
Okay.
You have to look at that and really feel into situations to know whether it was coming from
emotion was just like, hey, I was really frustrated in the moment because something was happening
and I did that.
Or is like, no, I actually really, you know, don't think that we should be in contact with
each other and you have to look at that.
You have to really feel into it.
You know, I, I obviously don't know who he is anywhere near as well as you do.
You are the one that was in a relationship.
So I want you to feel into this and you've said that you think that this was coming from
a very level headed place, that she's not coming from a place of emotion.
Okay.
So you have to say, okay, if this is somebody who genuinely does not want to be in a relationship
with me, is that something that I can accept?
Is that something that I would want to be in a relationship with somebody?
Would I want to be in a relationship with somebody who genuinely did not want to be
in a relationship with me?
Can I accept them this way?
How I found them as how they likely to stay and if this is not coming from a place of
emotion and if this is coming from a place of you know, this is what I actually want,
then you have to accept them that way and if that is the kind of person that you want
to be in relationship with and you say, yeah, I don't care.
I want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't want to be in a relationship with
me, then fine, go ahead, but you're going to experience the consequences of that.
Namely that person's probably not going to engage with you.
That person's probably not gonna respond to you and all of that stuff, but if it's not
okay for you and you do want to be in a relationship with somebody who actually does want to be
in a relationship with you, then this might not be the right person for you.
Again, assuming that this is not coming from an emotional outburst kind of place and this
is actually what she genuinely wants.
Okay, so you're going to have to feel into that and you're gonna have to figure out a,
is this an emotional response or is this a logical, actual expression of what she genuinely
desires?
And then depending on that, you have to look at yourself and say, okay, is this something
that I can accept in a potential partner?
If it is, then hey, go for it.
If it is not, then you have to let her go.
You have to say, okay, this is somebody who doesn't want to be in a relationship with
me and this is, you know, obviously I want to be in a relationship, somebody who does
want to be in a relationship with me, so this is not serving my needs and so therefore I'm
going to let go and I'm going to do whatever I need to do to either heal from this to live
my best life, to find another person to be in a relationship with or whatever.
Okay, so hope this helps you out, Mike, and please keep us updated on what's going on
and how you are choosing to, proceed from here.
All right, our next question is from Gigi.
Gigi writes in and says, hi clay.
Thanks for your suggestions this week.
It helped me gain perspective from my ex's view.
You might recall that we are long distance until I can move back soon.
As I shared last week, my ex has been a little bit pulled back after my big mistake last
spring where I behave.
Jealously said that we should hold back and then a week after it was unable to make it
to town for work.
I apologize back then and he said that he was just tired of having to interact on devices.
I understood he did start to warm up again.
We've had some nice conversations and he has expressed thinking about me a lot though.
Still pulled back this week when I mentioned a desire to be around him, he said that we
seemed to be on the same wavelength and asked if I would want to meet up for coffee in the
city that he thought I was working.
Just assumed from past conversations.
Unfortunately, I was not working there, but said that it would have been really nice to
see him and that I'd be back soon.
I continued the conversation, but he seemed very short and disconnected afterwards.
Later I mentioned to him that I felt disappointed that I hadn't been able to make my city moves
happen yet.
He said it was definitely been frustrating to say the least not being able to see each
other or having that part of our life that is an electronic correspondence.
He apologized for not giving longer responses since he was working.
I told him not to worry about it and I asked if, he would tell me a little bit more about
this later, but he never got back.
I resumed regular conversation a few days afterwards.
I feel he doesn't allow for things to get too deep.
Is this block coming from his frustration?
Loss of interest in me, distrust, discouragement, all of the above.
And what can I do to address this since connecting is challenging with him being pulled back.
Okay.
So I think he actually does want to connect with you in a deep, meaningful way.
I think he's just frustrated that the only way to the two of you able to connect right
now is via, you know, phones, texting, phone calls, skype, all that stuff.
He just wants to have a face to face interaction.
You know, he'd been suggested the two of you meeting up in whatever city that was a but
you know, you weren't there so he obviously didn't happen.
Him suggesting meeting up with you is not something that somebody who doesn't want things
to get deep would do him suggesting a meeting up with you and that you've been on his mind
and all that.
That, that suggests somebody that cares about you, that wants to talk to you, that wants
to possibly even explore what the two of you might be able to do together in terms of forming
a relationship or getting back together or something like that.
But he's just frustrated with the whole distance thing.
He's frustrated with always having to, you know, talk to you through a screen or through
texting or something like that.
And he just wants to actually be face to face.
You don't have to actually be able to, you know, hold you in his arms and, and all that
stuff and that's what I think is really going on here.
I don't think he's not interested in you or distrustful or anything like that.
I think he just wants to interact with you face to face.
what can you do to address this sense that connecting is a challenge with him being pulled
back.
I don't know how far away you live from him.
I don't know if it makes sense for you to go visit that town that, that he lives in.
If it does make sense, maybe you could go and do that or if it makes sense for you,
the two you to go meet in some middle ground place or something like that.
Then I think that's something that he would be excited about.
That's something that he would probably be open to getting together with you for I'm,
I'm not picking up anything really emotionally pulled back here.
I mean, I think he probably just stopped talking with you in those moments because he was at
work.
That's what he said.
I don't see any reason to doubt that that would be true.
If there is a reason to doubt that that would be true, then you know, let me know.
Unless somebody gives me a reason to doubt them, I just generally take them at face value.
I think he likes you.
I think that he wants to see you in person.
I think he's frustrated with the whole long distance screen thing and I think if you were
to take a trip to visit him or if the two of you were to meet up somewhere in the middle
or if he was to come visit you then I think that would be something that he'd be pretty
excited about honestly.
So, I hope that helps you out Gigi, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward
from here.
Our next question is from Rebecca.
Rebecca says, hi clay.
Long Story Short, me and my ex lived together as we bought a house two years ago.
It is sold and we are moving out in six weeks.
We share two dogs, so we see each other every day.
I would say my ex is at test drive phase and has been for months.
We did get into ride the dragon, but I messed up before all of this.
I did no contact for five weeks, went to stay with friends.
Three of those weeks were ANC, so something happened.
Max was in a rebound relationship.
She broke up with them a week ago and gave me this long explanation about why they broke
up, how it was never serious and how she could never go back or even be friends with benefits.
I didn't ask for this information.
She just started telling me yesterday morning over coffee at home in this week where she
was single again.
We started to spend time together.
She asked me for dinner and we spent a whole day together.
We were texting more frequently and it felt good.
I was really happy that we were making some progress, but then she started to go and see
her rebound again and explain.
They just wanted closure after the breakup and that they were just friends.
I obviously accepted this and didn't show.
That had bothered me.
My ex then spent the last two evenings with her rebound last night.
We had arranged to spend an evening together.
Once I got home from work, I messaged on my way home asking if my ex wanted anything from
the shop.
I got a reply to say I'm not home tonight, left the dogs at 8:00 PM.
Not only is she sleeping over with her rebound, but she is also canceling our evening and
now it means that she has been lying to me about the seriousness of her rebound relationship.
I don't want to be lied to and I don't understand why she couldn't have just told me that she
was getting back together with her rebound instead of making up this long story about
why they broke up, et cetera.
I feel like she is messing me around and I don't deserve to be treated this way.
Am I overreacting?
Should I just call it quits now?
Okay, so what I think is going on here is that your ex and they're rebound.
They had some sort of fight, disagreement, whatever, and they ended up breaking up.
Your ex was obviously a very emotionally upset about this whole thing, which is why they
probably went and said, you know, hey, we broke up, it's over for good.
We're not getting back together.
All of that stuff, right?
They were just frustrated and venting about the whole situation with you.
And then the two of you started to get a little bit closer and then, you know, your ex date,
they started to get back in touch with their rebound and by that point some of the upset
emotions had dissipated a bit.
So then they were able to actually start to connect a little bit more on an emotional
level.
And you know, it's unfortunate too that you got caught in the middle of this, but it sounds
like, your ex is actually at the dragon with a, they're rebound partner potentially at
a more kind of mellow riding the dragon with you.
What I think is going on here is that, and you have to understand that your ex's confused
right now.
Your ex isn't doing this to you intentionally.
Your ex isn't doing this to string you along, unless they're wicked evil person there, they're
doing this because they're confused.
Your ex is doing this because they just honestly don't know what they want.
They're just going through a, a very dramatic emotional rollercoaster right now.
And the important thing for us to not take anything that they say as as complete factual
truth.
So if they say, I'm absolutely breaking up with this person, just understand that it's
coming from a place of frustration.
It might be true.
It might change tomorrow.
I don't know, but just, just don't like, you know, stake your life on it.
Okay.
And if they say something like, yeah, we're, we're absolutely getting back together again.
Don't stick your life on that either.
Okay.
I know that it seems like as of the time that you posted this, things were in a swing towards
the negative side, just know that they might swing towards the positive side and don't
get too caught up in that.
Just understand that things are going to swing back and forth as your ex is in this very
complicated, emotional state.
Just kind of take things with a grain of salt.
So are you overreacting? you know, you can react however you want to react.
You can feel however you want to feel.
You know, people often ask me like, hey, is it okay that I feel this way?
I mean, how could I tell you that it's not okay to feel a certain way like I'm not some
sort of emotion police officer or anything like that.
You can feel however you want to feel.
There's no right or wrong.
When it comes to emotions, you just feel them right and should you call it quits now, that's
really something.
That's your decision.
You have to decide if this is something you want, right?
You can't let clay make your relationship decisions for you.
You have to make your own relationship decisions.
At the end of the day, You're going to be the one that either is in this relationship
or choose to move away from this relationship and do whatever else.
And I want you to make that choice on your own as opposed to saying, hey clay, what do
you think I should do?
And then I say, Oh, you did do today, and then you go ahead and do that, but it really
wasn't what you wanted to do.
And then you resent me forever.
I want you to actually own your decision because you're the one that has to live with it.
So should you call it quits, that's something that you have to choose to do.
Okay?
So Rebecca, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving
forward from here and whatever you decide to do moving forward.
Our next question is from Jay.
Jay writes in and says, hi clay.
So as you might know, my ex and I are now long distance.
I actually have been feeling pretty good about myself and advanced relational skills.
So the first few days weren't as bad as initially thought.
Most days we text throughout the day and some days we will end up facetiming for some time.
I feel that we've been getting a lot closer now than how we have been in the past few
months, but I still struggle with the idea of how to get her past the perception that
we are just friends, so those past few months I've ramped up the flirting more and sometimes
she was open to it and sometimes she wasn't.
Obviously I can't tell what's going on her head, so there's no way of knowing whether
or not it's starting to become more romantic and now that we are long distance floating
physically won't be an option.
I worry that I'll be stuck in this position for a while if she were to just see me as
a friend without anything actively introducing the idea of being in a relationship.
Again, my questions are, is there anything I should do besides flirting to get the idea
across it?
I want to be more than friends.
Is there a different approach I should take now that we are long distance?
Okay.
So I would also recommend that you check out the long distance relationship advice episode
that we did a couple of weeks back.
There's, there's some good pointers in there for long distance relationships, and there's
actually a lot that you can do when it comes to flirting, when it comes to texting and
stuff like that because keep in mind, texting is a difficult form of communication because
there is a lot of room for misinterpretation.
One thing that actually can benefit from misinterpretation is flirting, you know, you could say something
one way and if it can be interpreted potentially a second way of more flirty way, that could
actually be kind of a fun thing.
So texting is absolutely a great way that you could go about doing this kind of thing.
So don't think that you're just, you know, stuck just texting or something like that.
Go ahead, flirt with her over text, go ahead floor with her and you know, if you can facetime
with her or talk with her or if it's possible, go visit her, have her come visit you or something
like that.
But don't think that you're like limited just because you can only text or just because
you're at a distance or something like that because you can actually do a lot when it
comes to flirting from a distance.
Second of all, should you be doing something besides flirting to get across the idea that
you want more than friendship.
I think that that simply flirting is a great base to build off of.
Okay.
So flirting is going to create a great base to have her see you as a more than friend
kind of person because you're, you know, making sexual innuendos, you're joking around, you're
talking about things that you do to each other and all of that stuff.
And that's fun and that's great.
But she might not take it seriously if you're at a distance.
And one thing that you might want to do is try to introduce the possibility of the two.
You actually being a real force in each other's lives from time to time.
Things like suggesting meeting up in person somewhere.
Things like, you know, doing things in person and that will, that will bring your presence
into her awareness such that she actually doesn't just see you as like some sort of
flirting person that contacts are on her phone or something like that, and maybe a fun sort
of flirty way, but it is an actual real romantic interest.
Okay, so try to interject yourself into her life.
Interject your presence into her life from time to time, if that is at all possible for
you, given your distance.
So Jay, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how that all works for
you.
Our next question is from Mark Plot.
Mark Plot writes in and says, hi clay, my ex aged 35 and I aged 40, have been in a long
distance relationship for about nine years.
Finally, about a month ago she lost patience with my too slow moving in with her for a
physical relationship and broke up with me with no contact since then.
At two other occasions in the past years, I had been able to change her mind, so basically
no breakups really occurred.
Then she still counted.
These occasions is breakups as I learned now.
Now there is another main reason for the breakup, namely that we stopped having sex about three
to four years ago for medical reasons on my side.
She also didn't complain about this until the breakup that had gotten exacerbated in
the past one to two years as she decided she wants children during the breakup.
I managed to deal with the moving in argument largely, but with my mind being in the fog
of anxiety, I only answered something lame about us being able to fix the sex issue,
so the argument that we didn't sleep with each other never got invalidated.
No contact may give time to me and her to reconsider, but doesn't change what she must
be perceiving as effect, namely no sex with me.
Although I'm confident this point can be fixed medically, but part from whether she would
believe me, she doesn't even know it can.
She may think I just didn't find her attractive or wasn't supportive of having children.
How does this play into my efforts to win her back?
Don't I have to explain this to her?
That contrary to what she may believe she will be able to have sex and children with
me when and how should I do so as otherwise this point maybe off putting to her about
a possible reconciliation.
Thanks for your time.
Okay, so first of all, just kind of curious about why it's taken you nine years of being
long distance to get to where you're at or rather not get to where you're at.
People don't like being in long distance.
I'm just curious why this has gone on for nine years and the two of you haven't accomplished
some sort of strategy or plan to actually be in the same location because like what
we've talked about in our long distance relationship episode a couple of weeks ago, long distance
relationships that just drag on indefinitely can be incredibly painful and a is not something
that I would recommend.
So when it comes to this issue of have sex, first of all, I want to know if she is aware
that you have a medical issue that prevents the two of you from having sex.
If she is not aware that there is a medical issue and that's probably something that she
should know about.
So she doesn't believe that it's a you not being attracted to her and that she understands
that it's because of some kind of issue that is beyond your control, your attraction towards
her, and then then of course you also want to let her know that this is something that
can be fixed.
Now, of course you want to do this at a appropriate point in time.
You don't just want to be, you know, hey, ring ring, hey, by the way, we can have sex
and you know, that's just how you want to do it.
You want to obviously introduce it in a in a delicate and timely way.
When it comes to the two of you restoring contact, you want to do that in probably a
way similar to how we described in the ex solution program course.
And then deepen the connection to an emotional level and then start a conversation that way.
And then once the emotions are down on a deeper level, that's when you can bring up this fact
of, Hey, by the way, I know that in the past the whole sex thing has been an issue between
us and I just wanted to let you know that I talked to a doctor the other day and he
said that this issue can be fixed with data.
What, you know, you can explain the details or whatever and you, before you even do that,
you might even want to introduce this with.
I want you to know that I, I never thought that you were on attractive.
I was always very attracted to you.
And uh, you know, the only reason that we are not able to have sex just because of this
issue.
Whatever it is that's going on with you.
And it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
A truth be told.
If it were possible, I would like totally.
I don't know, do you five ways to Sunday or whatever.
And um, you know, however you want to say it, then just maybe segue then into how the
situation can be fixed or something like that.
But really you have to create a, not just getting back to the status quo, you know,
just getting back to the status quo is not going to be good enough for her wanting to
get back together with you might.
You can't just say, okay, we'll get back to being long distance like we've been for the
past nine years and we'll get back to having sex.
You know, we'll get back to the possibility of having children someday like that.
That's not going to be compelling because she already saw that possibility.
She already saw that reality and she walked away from him.
She said, that's not what I want.
And so you're gonna have to paint a better picture for her to really get her excited
about wanting to be in a relationship with you.
Again.
And this is probably going to involve the two of you living in the same location.
This is probably going to involve the two of you having sex.
Probably having children probably getting serious about your relationship and your commitment
with one another.
Maybe this involves getting married or something, I don't know.
You're going to have to really paint a better life for her to step into.
Then the one that she already walked away from.
She's not just going to come back to the status quo, so right now it seems like you're trying
to just rebuild the status quo and that's not going to work.
You're going to have to accomplish something that's better.
Something that's inspiring, something that's going to get her excited.
Something that she's going to say, yes, this is something that I want for myself.
This is something that I will go out of my way for myself, or this is something that
I'm willing to put in the effort to move to where you live for, or to help you move from
where you live to where I live, or for us both to to, you know, throw caution to the
wind and move to some other third location and this is what's going to be inspiring and
motivating for her.
Okay, so you have to really tap into who she is, tap into what she wants to tap into, who
you are, and what you want and, and create a compelling future for the two of you.
Okay, so I hope that helps you out more plots and I hope to hear from you in the future
about how things go moving forward from here.
All right.
Next question is from Claire.
Claire says, Hi Clay.
Thank you so much for your response last week.
Your advice was very helpful.
In the past week.
My ex and I have been texting daily.
However, she takes a really long time to respond, usually at least eight hours or sometimes
even stops responding.
Mid Conversation.
The reason for the daily texting in fact is more to do with the fact that she often won't
respond to my texts until the next day.
It's hard to engage her when she is talking like this and it makes me feel like there's
a lot more pressure on the texts that I send.
I know the fact that she's talking to me is a good sign and she's not sending one word
answers or anything like that.
I don't pressure her to talk daily or text her a bunch of times when she doesn't respond.
She even texted me a couple of times.
The main thing is that she just seemed unwilling to have extended conversations.
As soon as I try to engage her, just like asking her to elaborate more on something,
she stops responding.
I feel like we've taken a step back in our conversation actually because at first she
was asking me questions about how I'm doing, but now has stopped.
Is this something that time will fix?
For example, does she just need more to be more comfortable talking to me again or there
are things that I should be doing to engage or more.
I've been trying to use the two magic questions, but sometimes the conversation doesn't really
get to a place that would make much sense.
Is this her version of hot cold behavior characteristic of riding the Dragon?
She's a very private person with her emotions, so it's hard to tell.
I'm worried that she's only responding to be polite since we're all more or less have
to be friends once college starts because we have the same.
We're friends.
I feel like if she interested she would respond.
Thank you so much claire.
Okay, clear.
So I think this could potentially just be the way that she communicates.
I mean if, if, if this is a new behavior then maybe that's something to consider, but it
sounds to me like this is just how she communicates.
She's just not a texting person and you know, some people just don't text that much and
just requires extra effort for them to text, requires extra effort for them to really have
a text conversation because maybe they just work through different modality better like
talking on the phone or meeting in person or even writing emails or something like that.
Sometimes texting just isn't how a lot of people communicate and I know that can be
frustrating for certain people when they are texting people, but it's just not how everybody
exists.
Right.
So you know, for example like English is my primary first language.
It's how to best communicate with me.
I can speak some Spanish.
I'm not particularly great at it, but I can speak some Spanish and it is possible for
me to have certain conversations in Spanish, but it's not the best way to contact me or
to communicate with me if you want to talk to me.
The best way to do that is by talking to me in English.
Okay.
So just you have to understand that if you come to somebody like me and try to have a
conversation with me in Spanish, I will do my best, but it's probably not going to be
on par with having a conversation with somebody who is completely fluent in Spanish.
Okay.
And so you can come to somebody like your ex with a text message conversation or something
like that and they'll probably do their best.
But if texting just isn't the main way that they keep in touch with people in the main
way that they communicate and the main way that comes naturally and instinctively to
them.
Then it's like trying to talk to me in Spanish.
You know, your ex is probably doing the best they can, but it's just not how they naturally
connect with people and so you probably be better served by either accepting this is
how your ex is able to communicate with you via text and saying, okay, is this something
I can accept?
If yes, stay with it.
If no, then hey, say so, deal breaker.
I want somebody that I can text with or you can say, okay, well what is my ex's main way
of communicating with people?
Is it through getting together in person is just talking on the phone is for being, getting
together for coffee, doing outdoor activities, like what is it?
And maybe you could try doing something like that instead of texting.
That is what I would suggest doing in your situation.
Okay.
Claire, so I hope this helps you out and keep us updated on how things go moving forward.
From here, our next question is from AA, AA writes in and says, hi clay.
Thank you so much for guiding me in the right direction last time and I hope that you could
give me some more advice in my situation.
My ex and I are in a long distance relationship situation.
We've been getting closer, but he has been discouraging me every now and then as he is
going through depression and making a big move into another country for a career change.
He is quite stressed these days.
We've kept our positive frequent interactions going, talking or texting almost everyday
for hours.
We've also had some sexual flirtation via video and he even asked me to come visit him
where he is moving and kind of expressed that he is in love with me, which I said I was
too, and he also sent me a gift in the mail.
I thought that we are on a good path until I mentioned our talk about meeting each other
again and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and he didn't feel ready to see me, so he
seems very keen to meet me when we were flirting on being sexual.
But if I mentioned meeting when we're just having a normal conversation, he kind of gets
scared and changes his mind.
We kept talking every day since then, but today he said he wasn't ready for a relationship
and since he is moving soon, our contact had to come to an end.
We had some bad fights in the past and he is afraid of our, of our relationship going
that direction again.
He says he notices my change and he does enjoy our interactions a lot, but because he has
a lot of mood swings and is feeling great moments of despair, it would affect me in
a bad way and he can not compromise his mental health.
He fears he might cause something negative, will have a fight and it'll bring him further
into depression.
He also says he feels stuck in this with me.
I have shown empathy and understanding for his fears and concerns and frustration.
What can I do to reassure him and to help him feel less stuck, inspire him to date me
again, and to guide us from there.
I'm feeling frustrated that he says he isn't ready, although I haven't asked for a commitment
or initiated a relationship.
Talk.
Thanks for your help.
Okay, so I think that he's probably sensing that you might have an ulterior motive, that
he thinks that you have a agenda when it comes to interacting with him, that you want to
be in a relationship, which is understandable.
You know, he said that he loves you.
You said that you love him and uh, that the two of you are gonna meet each other in, in
this, in this place that he's moving to.
He's probably taking that and remembering that and then saying, okay, now that my emotions
have changed, I'm not caught up in the moment.
Now I'm kind of a second guessing that I, that I want you to come and visit me.
Now he's now he's kind of pulling back a little bit.
So I think he's probably in writing the dragon when it comes to his emotional state and the
most important thing to do is to not get too caught up in emotional swings back and forth
because he's experiencing a lot of confusion right now and that is going to most likely
continue until, the interactions between the two of you reach a point that's going to really
pull him past that confusion point.
So in terms of what you can do to inspire him to want to date you again as number one,
you have to create a compelling future for him to step into.
Okay.
It's not just a matter of like, we're in a long distance relationship, you're gonna move
to another city and then we're going to be in a long distance relationship still.
It has to be something compelling to step into like, hey, let's create this life together
where we are eventually going to move together to the same city.
Is that something that we can do?
Like what kind of future do we have together?
You have to create a future to step into and this is something that, that, that you need
to do if he's going to start to actually see a future with you can't just be more of the
same.
And when it comes to frustration, that he, that he isn't ready for a relationship.
Well, you know, yeah.
It makes sense that he isn't ready for relationship is going through a big change in his life.
He doesn't really know what's going to happen.
Right.
You have to understand that, that even though you might not be moving to a new city, he's
going through a major life transition.
He's, he's leaving probably a lot of things that he's grown accustomed to behind and he
is stepping into essentially a new life in a new city and so he might not be ready for
a relationship until after he feels settled in this new city.
But the question is, are you going to be able to stay there and have an emotional connection
with him during this transition?
Or are you going to say, hey, you know, you gotta you gotta choose me now whether you're
ready to or not, take it or leave it.
And that's really a choice that you have to make yourself where I think he's at, he's
confused.
He's about to start a new life somewhere else.
He doesn't really know what he's stepping into and he needs more than just like, hey,
let's, let's be in a long distance relationship.
So he wants to have somebody be a part of his life.
He obviously feels for you.
He obviously is attracted to you and at some point in the right circumstances he obviously
wants to spend time with you.
So I think that he is definitely open to having you in his life.
I think he's definitely open to spending time with you I think is definitely open to having
you come and visit him.
I think it just has to be within the right context.
So focus your interactions on having a good emotional connection with him.
And I think as that happens you can suggest things like, hey, remember that time you talked
about us meeting together.
I don't know if you were serious or not, but I thought it'd be really fun if we went and
checked out this cool thing that wherever you're moving is known for.
I've always wanted to see it or something like that.
And you can just kind of like paint a little daydream thing and it doesn't have to be a
serious talk, just like a little daydream thing of like, oh yeah, you know, we got an
now maybe it's moving to Paris.
Like, Oh yeah, we, have wine and have a picnic at the top of the Eiffel Tower or something.
I mean obviously you can't do that, but you can just be kind of like whimsical and over
the top and stuff like that.
And then you can just kind of float the idea out there and actually build a positive emotional
connection to the point where he actually starts to fantasize about spending time with
you in the place and actually starts to associate spending time with you in the new place with
positive feelings.
And that can start to help to create a good vibe that, that will help him actually start
to envision himself spending more time with you.
Okay.
But you have to create a future that that might be something like that.
But also something that can translate into reality too.
Because people can only put up with fantasy for so long before they get frustrated with
it and want to bail on that and in terms of something that's actually there for them in
real life.
So, you know, try to find a way to, to wrap up this LDR situation and actually be in the
same place with this person at some point if you're serious about being in a relationship
with him.
Okay.
So I hope this helps you out AA and keep us updated on how things go moving forward.
Our next question is from Martin.
Martin writes in and says, Hi Clay, I hope I'm not too late with my question.
It will be about rebound relationships in relation to keeping contact with your ex or
giving space.
My ex is in a rebound relationship.
She jumped into it right after the breakup.
As expected, things were moving fast and so on.
The thing is is that she is being in a rebound relationship, makes communicating and connecting
harder as she wants to stop contact with me.
Because of that, sometimes our communication was good and sometimes she was distant or
cold.
There wasn't really much progress since the breakup as she tries to be in that new relationship
and has a problem with keeping in contact with me at the same time as a friend, as she
probably would still have some strong feelings for me.
My last update shows that we had a little bit of unpleasant encounter where I visited
her in her shop and then she texted me that she doesn't want me to surprise her like that.
After that I've stopped contact and she has not texted me sense as well.
My question or rather a couple of related questions are, one, should I keep pursuing
contact with my ex when she isn't a rebound relationship and it doesn't look too fond
on keeping contact with me as she is obviously in the honeymoon phase with her rebound or
should I check in on her from time to time to see what her state is?
Personally, I don't feel that I could do much when she's in a rebound relationship when
she really wants to move away from me and the bad feelings of our relationship left
with her and I'll be glad for any advice.
Thanks clay, as always, so whether or not you should stay in contact with her while
she's in a rebound relationship really depends on whether or not interacting with you is
going to feel good on an emotional level for you and for her and for the dynamic between
the two of you in general.
If interacting with you is going to feel bad on an emotional level, then the more that
you interact with her, the worse she will feel towards you and the worst the dynamic
between the two of you will get okay, so don't just think that any interaction is going to
be progress and that we should strive for interaction.
Any costs because of the interaction feels bad.
It's not going to help you.
It's going to make you move backwards and if not something that you want, then you should
probably stop interacting with her.
Okay?
If the interactions feel good and bring the two of you closer together, then that's something
that you should continue.
Right?
So interacting with her by surprising her at the store that she works in, that probably
wasn't the best thing to do.
That felt bad.
And that probably set you back a little bit, uh, and maybe continuing to be in contact
with her while she's in this rebound relationship is something that might feel bad as well too.
And if that's the case, then you want to stop contacting her.
Until interacting with her feels good.
Okay, so that means that you might want to pull back for awhile, maybe contact her, I
don't know, a month later or two months later, I don't know, whatever it might be, and see
how things go.
Or you might want to maybe change the way that you're interacting with or maybe the
way maybe it's not that you're interacting with her that feels bad.
Maybe it's the way that you're interacting with her that feels bad.
Maybe it's the way that your you or the way that you're talking to with the way that you
bring yourself to the interaction.
That can be something that you need to look at as well too, but you have to look at these
things and say, okay, is this something that's going to increase our interaction, our emotional
connection?
Or is this something that's going to decrease our emotional connection if it increases the
emotional connection than do that as much as you want to, but if it decreases the emotional
connection, there's time to stop whatever you're doing so that you don't cause more
damage and stop and reflect.
What is it that I could be doing differently?
What is it that might feel good on an emotional level?
What is it that's going to actually bring us closer together?
Because clearly whatever I'm doing isn't working.
Okay?
So these are the kinds of questions that you should be thinking about and using to help
you decide what you should be doing moving forward from here.
Okay, Martin, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated next week.
Okay, those have been our questions for this week.
Once again, this has been Clay with www.ModernLove.Life.
If you have liked this edition of the relationship inner game experience, please feel free to
give us a thumbs up on youtube.
Go ahead and subscribe to us.
So that you can get updates when we upload and post new content and please go ahead and
leave a comment down below letting me know what you think about the relationship inner
game experience.
Anyway, once again, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and I'll talk to you next time.
I hope this has helped you improve your relationship inner game.
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